Merry (NOT) Christmas

When I was dating HIM, I won a computer.

It was a used computer that had previously been used in a USU computer lab, but it was still in good condition.

I had my laptop, and since I didn't need the computer very much, I lent it to HIM.

At this point in time, we were very much planning on getting married. I didn't feel it was a big deal to let him use it until we could have it in our home together. We piled all of our music and pictures onto the computer with the understanding that we would store both of our things on my new (used) computer.

When we broke up, I got the computer back.

I haven't turned it on until today.

I got a iPod Touch for Christmas and, when I went to our home computer to gather music, I found that all of the music (except for my brother's) had been deleted from the computer. While trying to figure out how to get music from my old iPod to my new one, I realized something.

All of my music is on MY computer that I lent HIM!

Hooray!!

And all of my picture are there too!!! I haven't seen them in FOREVER!!

That happiness was fleeting, however, when I turned on my computer today.

EVERYTHING has been deleted from it. All of the pictures, documents, etc. Everything. Except for the music.

I should be greatful for that tender mercy, as I am about to start compiling new music onto my iPod.

But I can't seem to be happy about that.

I cried today as I searched for the pictures. Pictures I don't have anywhere else.

Pictures I will probably never see again.

Pictures of US... pictures of my family... pictures I had taken.

Those pictures meant a lot to me.

Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean I want to forget that the releationship happened. It was a huge part of my life. Each of those pictures was a story of moments we shared. I am sick to my stomach to think they are gone.

I don't even know what to do next.

Except for cry.

Because even though crying doesn't accomplish anything, the pain and hurt are so deeply embedded right now, that I don't know how else to release it.

Merry Christmas, Shirrel.

This year, you get the gift of loss.

A loss of irreplaceable pictures.

And a loss of even more trust in HIM.

I never imagined he could still hurt me so deeply, months after we said goodbye.

I feel so stupid.

My heart is telling me something that my head was trying to convince me of ages ago.

I should never have trusted HIM with something so priceless in the first place.

I hate myself.

I can't help crying over that too.

Happy Holidays everyone.

I will blog happier Christmas related thoughts when my heart isn't so shattered.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season.

As Christmas if quickly approaching, I wanted to give advice... both to you and to myself.

Stop. Remember what this season is all about. Spend time with those you love. Give your mom a hug.

Be joyful. Happy. Peaceful.

Don't let the season pass by without you taking the time to enjoy it.

Most importantly...

Smile.

Post Script

I thought I should be a little less vague in my debate about keeping the blog or not.

THIS place has been a release for me and I have started to feel better through the words I have written here. The sentences seem to flow from my finger tips when I turn on my computer to blog.

It is different than a journal because I feel like I am blogging with a purpose.

I decided to blog, rather than keep a journal, because I wanted to document my progress to the cyber world so others who are struggling can possibly find some help and comfort.

And I hoped that I would find that same help and comfort, both from MY words, as well the words of those who would hopefully comment on my blog.

I didn't want to include my name in the blog, because I haven't felt that this was about my identity.... My name has no importance to this blog or the struggles I have. I didn't want people to follow my blog because they knew who I was... rather, I wanted them to follow it because they knew what I was representing.

If I wanted a following of MY friends and family, this blog would have had my name in it somewhere.

ALSO, I have never wanted this blog to be a place where I come to talk about all of the things HE has done. This blog isn't about HIM, although a lot of what I am struggling with are directly related to him.

Lately, I have started to worry that the few people who read this blog aren't seeing this blog for what it is.

NOT a vent session on my life.

BUT a discussion (mostly with myself) about how to put one foot in front of the other and continue forward with me life.

I talk about the triumphs and the failures.

This blog isn't about anyone or anything other than ME and MY ups and downs of life.

I want to reiterate that.

I almost shut the blog down today because a person I have evaded to in a few of my posts confronted me about the posts... worried that they were being portrayed in a bad light.

I assured this person that the blog wasn't about them. AND that I was posting anonymously for a reason.

I don't post with my name. I have no links to this blog anywhere that is associated with me. AND I don't give out the link to this blog to people I know.

After this confrontation, I worried about the integrity of my blog.

Had it lost all anonymity? Here I thought I had kept it a secret, and this person had found out about it.

After much soul searching today, I realized that I need this forum in my life.

I need my anonymous friends and supporters.

I need my blank canvas and keyboard.

And I need the "Publish Post" button, so I can send these words out to the cyber world and hopefully touch a life.

Especially because each and every one of these words is touching MY life.

After a day of vacillating back and forth, I realized that I can't shut down such a medicinal part of my life.

So blog world, thank-you for accepting me and allowing me to leave my mark on the Internet.

Thank-you for allowing me to keep my anonymity.

AND thank-you for recognizing that this blog isn't about the things that have been done to me, or the hurts caused...

Rather, this blog is about how I have dealt with the pain and the struggles.

This blog is about ME: Just A Nobody.

Goodbye?

I may be shutting down this blog.

I was stupid to think that talking about my struggles was a good idea.

Seriously.

I was wrong.

I am sorry.

I haven't decided yet.

BUT it is a definite possibility.

HIM Resurrected?

Today it happened again.

Well, actually yesterday... but I didn't find out until this afternoon.

Yep, that's right.

I got an email from HIM.

"Please come back. Please come see me. Please I have made a mistake and I know you think you have lost your best friend but you haven't. And I know you think you would be making a mistake with me and I'm sorry for that. Please just call me. Please."

My stomach dropped as I read this. My anxiety levels rose instantly.

I LOATHE what he does to me!! LOATHE!!

I have been doing so much better. I have let him go, realizing that if he wanted me he would act like it. He hadn't spoken to me since our last Sunday night talk where I told him if he didn't answer my questions on Monday, then he could expect to never see me again.

But then he emails me and it throws me.

My hearts starts beating rapidly and suddenly I feel nauseous.

How is it that after 3 months of NOT being with him, HE still has that power over me?

My chest hurts.

My hands are clammy.

I wish I could delete him and block him from my email accounts.

Unfortunately, I don't know if that is even possible.

We were so much a part of each other... this breakup has been hard.

It is hard to de-tangle ourselves from each other... and figure out where one of us begins and the other one ends.

For instance, I found a bunch of his Cd's in my room in a drawer the other day. It was totally shocking, because I had never seen him put the Cd's there. He must have done it when he surprised me by rearranging my room, months ago. I couldn't believe it. I can't seem to escape him completely.

He is still everywhere.

He still lingers.

It is so hard.

Today's email was just another reminder that he isn't completely gone from my life.

My sister's relationship just adds more pain to this whole mix. NOW is the time where I really need someone. I need to NOT be alone anymore. I need to be able to double date with her, hold the hand of my guy while she is holding her guy's hand, and have someone I can talk to.

I should go back to him.

I won't though.

It hurts too badly.

HE hurts me too badly.

Regardless of the fact that I am not contemplating restarting a relationship with him (although I do yearn for companionship) these constant reminders from HIM that he isn't going to leave my life without a fight are KILLING me. Because every time I hear from him, no matter how over him I thought I was, my mind opens up to the possibility of a relationship with him again.

And then I have to spend the next two days AFTER I hear from HIM convincing myself that I do NOT want him... and it is all in my head! Unfortunately, it often takes me days to get to the point of convincing myself I don't want him because he emails me for days at a time.

Don't email him back! my mind tells me.... YOU tell me...

But something inside my mind presses me to type a few misguided words and click the send button.

Then I am forced to check my email every few minutes after that until I hear from him.

Of course his email comes again.

THE nausea and chest pain inevitably follow suit. I tap out a quick response and the cycle begins again.

Often times I take to googling his name and picture while I wait for his reply.

After a few hours of this I am miserable.

MISERABLE.

WHY???

I thought I was past this. I thought WE were past this. We weren't talking. I was better. I was happy.

But no.

He had to email me today.

Err... YESTERDAY.

Humph.

At least the emails are coming fewer and far between.

I CAN make it.

I have to keep telling myself that.

And I have to keep praying.

I pray daily that I can make it completely through this trial.

That I can find someone else.

That I will be completely happy again.

That I will stop being afraid.

And that ALL of this.... the pain caused by HIM...

...will be worth it.

Sigh of relief!

Today was my last day of work!

I am SOOO happy!!

I can't even imagine working one more day with Creepy.

So I am done.

:)

I think I know why Creepy FREAKED me out so much.

He reminded me a lot of HIM. Weird. They are nothing alike...

Maybe it is just guys in general.

My sister, College Girl, (you can find a link to her blog on the side of this blog) told me yesterday that I am bound to end up with a good guy next because of all the creepy, terrible experiences I have had with HORRIBLE guys.

I promise, I will fill you in on more of these experiences later.

Some of them are even funny.

Bet you can't wait until I tell you about the blind date I went on where the guy proposed to me.

Awkward.

But I have to be fast because this isn't my computer.

So I will bid you all farewell and keep adding to my list of stories to tell you!

Until then, think happy Christmas thoughts!

Patience, friends!

My computer is sick. :(

So my posts, until it is fixed, will be fewer and more far between. I am sad... and sorry.

BUT my sister is home for Christmas break, so it only makes sense that I don't blog AS much.

Don't worry. I will be back. I promised you a story last I posted, and I will make sure you hear (read) it!

Just be patient.

And pray for my poor, sick computer!

Friends

I'm feeling really low today.

I have been doing a lot better lately.

But today, I needed someone to talk to. Someone apart from my family. Someone I could vent to and share my struggles... like I could with HIM.

Sure, when I had friends, I could use their shoulders to cry on. But friends (the TRUE kind that stand by your side) are very scarce lately. They have all moved on with their lives. It hurts to know that they aren't there anymore.

I had a close (used to be) friend tell me that a month or so ago.

We had been GREAT friends clear through junior high and high school. We considered ourselves best friends. I was with her through every one of her relationships. I was there when she was happy and didn't have much time for me due to her man... I was there when she was depressed because she had just broken up (or been broken up with.) I was her shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. Yes, she was there for me too, but not in the same way. I didn't date in high school. Not much. There is a reason why. I'll have to explain sometime.

In any case, I helped her through many hard times. She knew I was always there for her.

In January she got married. I was happy with her, as I assumed I would be following fairly quickly with my man. We all know that THAT didn't go as planned.

Oh well. I am glad that I managed to avoid making that mistake.

Nevertheless, after it happened, I was a wreck. I wasn't ok and I needed a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I had my family. But as any best friend will tell you, having a best friend is different. I tried to turn to her on some particularly hard days, but she never seemed to have the time for me. I tried to tell myself it wasn't that big of a deal. But it was.

I felt like she was self absorbed and caught up in her own life. I wasn't asking for her to be what I was to her. I knew she didn't have time for that... but the phone works both ways. I was asking for her to care enough about me to check up on me occasionally.

I wanted her to be my friend, like I was her friend.

When I began feeling that the only reason we had remained friends is because of me and my efforts to keep in touch (although we vowed we would stay friends forever. Whatever. I shouldn't have believed that) I tried to talk to her about it.

I told her that I had been with her through thick and thin in high school. Even in college. I had been a true friend. And every time she had been hurt, she could turn to me.

"I wish we were still in high school so I could turn to you," I told her.

"I'm married now," was all she said.

The conversation pretty much ended after that.

My friend had stopped being my friend because she had found a husband.

I haven't talked to her sense. I haven't even tried. I don't think she has any real desire to be my friend, although I am sure in her head she still considers me a friend. She just doesn't want the best friends through thick and thin status anymore. If she did, she would text me occasionally... facebook me... even email me. I am not hard to contact.

But she hasn't.

It hurts.

I lost HIM... my best friend... and HER... another best friend... all in the space of a few months.

Today I found out that my sister has a boyfriend. That is where the depression today really started. She already hasn't had much time for me because of him. Now that they are "official" I am definitely out of her priority picture. Another best friend bites the dust. When I found out I went to my phone to call someone to cry to...

Couldn't cry to HIM... couldn't cry to HER... Couldn't cry to the sister.

Now what?

I'm just so low today. So depressed.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Except you.

Dear Blog,

You are my one true friend. You are the only one who cares. I wish you had arms. I need a hug.

Love,

Me

Time may change me, but I can't change time

I have pondered a lot these past few weeks this: If I knew THEN what I know NOW, would I be where I am today?

Part of me wants to think, "NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!"

But there is a quieter, smarter part of me that whispers, "would you change who you are now for who you were then?"

No.

I don't think I would.

Granted, I have a lot of pain, fear, anger... things that I need to work through...

But those are just things. Things. They aren't me. They are things that I was taught to feel these past months. And with time, I can overcome them.

The person who I am, on the other hand.

She isn't who I was before this happened.

AND she is a better person that who I once was.

I learned a lot about myself because of the pain.

I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I have control of things that I didn't think I had control of.

I am more mature than I was at the beginning of this. When I met HIM, I was a shy, naive girl.

I have said those words multiple times before, but I can't help it.

Looking back at her and what her views of the world were, I want to smack her.

"YOU have no idea," I would tell her.

"YOU THINK you know EVERYTHING!"

I would tell her that she is selfish. She thinks about herself and how to make herself happy more than she thinks about others.

I would tell her that she needed to stop caring so much about what other people think.

I would tell her to be more confident.

I wasn't confident. I wasn't strong... not in the way I should have been.

I had convictions, and I stood up for myself.

But not the way I do now.

I'm a different person than that girl who stumbled into HIS life almost exactly 2 years ago.

It is still hard. I am still growing and trying to be happier. But those are just THINGS.

ME?

I am a better person than I was before this happened. The PAIN... the ANGUISH... the FEAR..? WERE they worth it?

SERIOUSLY?

yes.

If I knew then what I know now, would I be where I am today?

no. Honestly... I don't think I would have taken on that challenge.

I would have done things differently. Easier.

BUT I never would have known the person who I could have been... the person I am still trying and working hard to become.

I would have missed out.

I'm glad I didn't know then.

As hard as it was (and is), I think it this challenge has its silver lining.

You Don't Know ME

I feel like a leper.

It is hard not too. When people find out about my abusive relationship, they treat me differently. I feel like they are looking down on me. They act like somehow I deserve it.... because I put up with it.

Today I went to lunch with an old friend... someone who I met before I started dating HIM. I told her that no one really understands... and I feel like it is my fault all of this happened because I started dating him.

Her response?

Silence.

I KNOW that I started dating him... BUT it isn't as black and white as everyone seems to think it is.

First of all, it didn't start out as an abusive relationship.

The abuse started months into the relationship. For us, it was after we had started planning a future together.

And then when it starts, you don't even realize it is happening.

People don't realize that abuse starts off subtly. For heavens sake, I am not an idiot. If he had just slapped me one day out of the blue, I would have left! But the small, subtle acts sometimes don't even register. You come up with excuses for the things that make you uncomfortable and hurt your feelings... and then HE always smooths things over and makes it seem like it wasn't anything at all.

Love is sometimes blind... especially when the person who is blinding you is so good at acting.

By the time you realize that it isn't all in your head and that it is very much out of hands, you are trapped.

TRAPPED.

But people don't realize it. They assume that abuse starts off strong from the beginning and only weak women stay in these relationships. In their heads, weak women seek out abusive men.

I suppose that sometimes this is the case.

But for me it wasn't.

I didn't look for that. In fact, we talked about abuse when we first started dating. He knew I was scared of it and wouldn't put up with it at all. But like I said before, abuse doesn't start in the form of abuse.

I wasn't weak either. I stood up for myself. But as anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you, it is hard to stand up to someone who is twice your size.

By the time you realize that you need to leave, you are scared. Scared because of all of the things he has been telling you for months... things that you couldn't help but start to believe.

Things like: "If you were better, this wouldn't have happened." And, "You are lucky to be with me, no other man would put up with all of the stuff I put up with because of you."

But people don't realize that. People with perfect relationships don't understand what THIS is like and how THIS happens.

I wish they did, because I am not a leper. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, at the beginning of it all, I felt like I was doing the RIGHT thing. If I didn't have such a strong feeling that I was where I needed to be, I wouldn't have stayed. But people don't realize this.

This is another facet of the pain I have been going through because of this relationship. The fact that nobody understands. It is hard to be lonely for HIM. But I am getting over that.

Being lonely for some comfort and understanding from people who I used to be close to... THAT is something that is overwhelmingly difficult.... something I don't know how to get over.

I guess this is just another side effect of that relationship.

I really wish the healing process was easier...

My heart yearns for empathy and understanding, although I have stopped expecting it. I don't talk about the relationship, as much as possible, for that reason. Well, except for here. THIS blog helps me so much. You have no idea what it is like to sort out the twisted thoughts that are bouncing around in your head.

Today I just wish the blog could talk back and give me the support and acceptance I have been looking for... but haven't found.

On days like today, I feel like it would be better to be a leper.

Side Effects

I shudder at who I have become.

I am scared.

Yesterday my brother hurt my feelings. I lost my temper. Rather than telling him I was angry and trying to resolve the problem, I did what I learned to do from my relationship. I fled.

I ran out of the room, hot tears of anger flowing down my face. I threw the items I was carrying on the floor of the room my mom was sitting in as I sped to my room. She, of course, followed me.

It all happened so fast, her running to catch up to me, that I flinched when she grabbed my arm to find out what was wrong.

"Please don't hit me," I sad as I turned my head.

"HIT you?" She said, shocked. "When have I EVER hit you?"

She was right. She has never hit me.

I couldn't believe myself: the flinching, the fear. I still can't believe it!

What has happened to me? What did he do to me? I run from my brother. I am scared of my mother!

I have been trying so hard to get over him and to stop loving him... but this is so much bigger than all of that. I need to get over all that he has done to me, too. I think THAT is going to be so much harder.

I don't want to be terrified. But I am.

I hate me. I hate me!

I should hate him. But I can't.

I forgive him for creating me. I forgive him for treating me so horribly.

But I can't forgive myself .

I can't forgive myself for becoming this battered woman.

I'm. Moving. On.

I made my decision.

Six o'clock came and went yesterday.

And I stuck to what I knew (and know) to be right in my heart.

I think it is over.

On Sunday night he told me that if I didn't see him on Monday then I would never talk to him again. At first I was freaked. How could I do that? I wanted him, didn't I? I had planned on marrying him, and maybe if I held on then we could get back together.

But he was different on Sunday night. He wasn't the same person I had fallen in love with. I wasn't attracted to him... I no longer felt the love for him that I had felt the day he left. He said things that made me uncomfortable. He told me things about him that had changed, that I never thought would change.

But mostly, it was what he refused to tell me that freaked me out.

He told me that I needed to come back to him so I could save him.

"Save you?" I asked. "What do you need me to save you from."

"Myself," he said. Apparently he has been doing things that would give me nightmares. But he wouldn't tell me what. Try as I might, he wouldn't budge. He said if I loved him I would take all of him... problems and all.

I had taken his problems for nearly 2 years and helped him work through them. I had seen it all. Trust me. I had nightmares from the things he HAD told me. The fact that he wouldn't tell me what this was scared me to death. And it made me realize that my decision to stop contact with him was the best one.

I can't save him. Trust me. I tried for months. I worked me butt off. I endured months of abuse, name calling, yelling, swearing, pain, and anguish ALL in the NAME of saving him. But it NEVER worked. HE never got better. It isn't my job to FIX him. I can't fix him. It took me over a year to figure this out.

Despite my revelation, I hadn't made up my mind.

I decided that I would sleep on it. And I told him that unless he told me what it was the he needed to be saved from, I wouldn't even consider seeing him again.

Six o'clock came and went and he never emailed me.

He still hasn't emailed me.

I think it is officially over. He didn't want me like he said he did. And I didn't want him the way he turned out to be. (Still don't, actually.)

I still love him. But the HIM I met 2 years ago.

Two years ago when I was young, naive, and very innocent.

The older, wiser, less innocent, and more time hardened ME doesn't love the person he has become. Time has taught me a lot. I am a different person than when I started this whole journey.

I am grateful. I learned a lot about myself. I'm still learning. I am still finding inner strength that I never knew I had.

I hope that one day another man will see my strength and want that in his life forever.

Six o'clock came and went yesterday. I didn't talk to him. He didn't talk to me. The world didn't end.

BUT in those few minutes, I took a GIANT leap in being completely over HIM.

Bring it on, WORLD. Bring. It. On.

The end...?

If I want HIM back, I need to go to him by 6 p.m. tonight.

He'll be home all day.

He won't tell me the truth.

I don't trust him.

But I am extremely lonely.

I feel like my heart is going to give out due to the pain.

I don't know what to do.

And yet I know exactly what to do.

I really would rather die than be here right now.

Today

My life feels very stuck.

Empty.

Isn't it interesting how we all have to face different trials on this earth?

And how another person's trial can seem so easy compared to the one you are going through?

I am sure they don't feel like their trial is a cake walk.

Still...

I am not trying to sound bitter or angry.

I'm not.

I'm just confused...

Lost.

Lonely.

And not sure how to fix it.

I finally did it...

I'm really shaky as I write this post.

I deleted HIM as a friend on facebook.

I also blocked his number.

It is really hard because I really wanted to know what was going on with him all the time. I checked his facebook account multiple times a day. I always wanted to know what he was thinking and what girls were talking to him.

It was hardly healthy.

Three days ago I started talking to him again... I mean really talking to him. We texted quite a lot for 2 days straight. It just made me feel worse. He (although he said otherwise) had appeared to have moved on. He had a new group of friends, new girls that he could ask out, and new found happiness.

It was hard to hear.

Then he said that I needed to either go back with him or move on because it was killing him.

I told him that if he actually acted like he wanted me back, maybe I would come back.

He never responded to this.

And then I started thinking.

He never responds to that when I say it. I told him that I felt like he had already moved on and was just trying to convince me otherwise.

He never responded to this either.

Today when I got onto facebook his status was something full of happiness with nothing to do with me.

Although I don't really want him back, I was holding on. I didn't want him to find happiness because I haven't found that happiness yet. I wanted to be the only way he would be happy. I know that is selfish, but he always told me that I was his only joy.

He was always saying that I was the only one he could ever love and that he would never be able to live without me. He said he was never happier than when he was with me.

Clearly I should have realized that those were all lines.

Otherwise his actions would have been a thousand times different.

In any case, this morning when I woke up and did the traditional check of his facebook, I realized that I cannot do this to myself anymore.

I need to move on.

I don't want him back.

And I really don't want to text him anymore because all he does is swear at me, chew me out, and blame me for all of his problems.

Now I need to stop thinking about him and worrying that he is happier than I am. Because none of that matters.

I need to start thinking about myself and how to make myself a better and happier person. And I need to stop thinking that he is the only one for me. Now I can't think that way. He doesn't exist anymore in my world.

I am starting to shake less as I ramble about my feelings.

It is still really hard to take... the fact that I really did it.

It makes me want to laugh and cry all in the same breath.

I am hoping that since I took the final step I can find happiness and contentment again. I hope that this final act of letting go will open a door to new friends, new opportunities, and a new relationship.

I just hope that this means it is finally going to get easier. Not harder because I can't do my customary check-ups.

So wish me and my shaky hands good luck.

I will keep you posted.

Dear World,

I am so confused about how to survive here.

It is very painful.

I hurt.

And I am lost.

I guess I know what direction I am supposed to go. I know where it is I want to end up. But I don't know how to do it.

I keep praying that it will get easier and that I'll figure everything out.

But I am not so sure anyone is listening to me.

I need to go to Disneyland.

Everything is better in Disneyland.

Maybe then I could figure it out.

World, I just don't know anymore. I need help.

Is there anyone out there who is listening...

Or who even cares?

Please let me know.

Love,

Just A Nobody

It was a bad night...

Last night he told me to "grow some balls and come back."

Last night I wanted to come back.

Back to him.

Back to us.

Back to relationship.

I miss it.

I still want it back.

I still want him back.

I cry a lot on days like this.

Because I don't know how to stop the pain.

Or the loneliness.

I can't make it better.

I can't forget the good times.

I can't stop loving him.

Why doesn't anyone understand?

Happy?

It is really hard to admit this, because I told everyone else that I wouldn't be happier being away from him.

I said I would loathe being alone.

I said that I needed to be with him.

While I DO hate being alone...

I don't NEED to be with him to be happy.

In fact, it is easier to be happy now that I am not getting in trouble for everything I do or don't do.

I still cry a lot. But that doesn't mean that overall I am not happy.

It just means that I want to overcome this and the feelings he created.

And I want to prove to him that another man will love me and want me. Sometimes I still doubt that.

Yes I am lonely and sad that this had to happen... that this all played out this way.

I'm sad that it still hurts.

But I am happy that I made it through with my wonderful family by my side.

I'm happy that it is getting easier...

It is hurting less.

Now....

If I could just get past this completely and find the man HE says I can never get.

Then I think things would be perfect!

A Look Toward Tomorrow

Today I woke up to a severe "chewing out."

Colorful language decorated the text messages that had been sent to my phone.

You would think that time would lessen the shock these verbal beatings cause me.

But time hasn't. In fact, the time spent apart from the ex has actually softened me to them. We've been apart for 3 months now, I don't understand why he is still hurting me.

There was a time, when I was deeply embedded in the middle of the catastrophic mess called our relationship, that I actually began thinking in the language that was part of HIS everyday speech. While I never used the words, they were used on me so much, and with so much anger, it wasn't hard to imagine what I would say back to him if I didn't loathe the words to much.

It also was hard not to visualize the words. It got to the point where everything he said became the undeniable truth to me. I didn't believe people when they told me he was wrong.

It is still hard to believe he is wrong.

But I am getting better.

Better. What a word! I can't wait until the day where I don't see those words and associate them with me. For the longest time after he broke up with me I felt that my world was over. If I were all of THOSE things, then surely no other man would want me.

Because of this, when we broke up I thought I had lost my future. Suddenly the world was black and white. White: we were together and I had a plan. Black: I was alone and wasting away until my death.

It doesn't make sense, I know, but those words after such a long period of time mess with your mind.

I wish I was strong enough to have withstood all of that... and stood up for myself.

But I am not the confrontational type.

And I firmly believe that you become your actions. I acted the part; I became what he said. I lessened (well, I thought I lessened) the pain.

I long for the day when there are no more nasty words aimed at me. And I am no longer in trouble for everything. My heart, though healing, yearns for the moment when it is not only stronger for going through all of this, but happy again because this part of my life is officially over.

I have been struggling with deleting him from my facebook and phone, to the point where he can no longer find me or contact me. But I feel that I need to be 100% ready to do that. I need to be at a place where I am not going to look back and wonder.

I think I am getting to that point. I don't believe his words anymore, even though they're still very cutting.

And I am partially grateful for it.

As I heal, each hurtful comment, each terrible word, pushes me to be that much stronger. I want to prove him wrong and be the person I have always KNOWN I am. Not the person HE created.

And with each disgusting, degrading text message, I get that much closer to being at the point I have been working towards; the point where I can delete him, block him, and move on, with no regrets.

So yes, today I woke up to terrible words.

It was still painful.

But I am ENDING today stronger.

Because tomorrow is a new day. It isn't black or white. It is full of color.

And it is my day to do whatever I want with.

Not his.

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Blog World,

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of family, friends, and good food.

I hope you all found many things to be grateful for.

As for me...

I am grateful for my wonderful supportive family.

I am grateful for my cat.

I am grateful for my books.

I am grateful I have a loving Father in heaven who loves me.

I am grateful for so many more things.

But mostly...

I am grateful that I am where I am today, not in an abusive relationship, not being hurt.

I am grateful to be gaining self esteem with the help of all the people I love.

To you, I wish you the best holiday season, full of happiness and joy!

And I wish for you the strength and courage to do whatever you need to do to get there.

After all, now begins the season where we celebrate Him... the baby who was born to save us all.

Love you all!

Love,

Me. :)

Moving On

I have been having a hard time letting go of him.

And in order for me to move on (I mean, REALLY move on), I have to let go.

I keep thinking that eventually things will work out.

But then I think about everything that has happened and I know that I don't want everything to work out.

He doesn't talk to me much anymore.

And when he does it is only really, really mean things. I keep hoping that we will be able to stay friends, but I don't know if that is possible.

Everyone says I just need to delete him as a friend on facebook and block his number.

This scares me.

He has been a part of my life for forever (well, it seems that way).

But HOW am I EVER going to move on when I can't seem to stop looking at his facebook and checking my phone to see if he has texted me.

I know it is stupid! He said he wanted me back and I could go back to him if I really wanted to...

But I don't want to.

He treated me terribly.

He hurt me.

So I should just let go and forget him.

But it isn't that simple.

WHY isn't it that simple?

Sorry that this post is so jumbled and full of my venting, but I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, look toward the future, and never look back... but I am having a hard time of letting go of the past. THAT was my LIFE.

I feel like without THAT and HIM.... I HAVE no life.

I think that is the reason I can't let go.

And that is the reason I can't move on.

Hard to Admit...

This post is going to be a hard one for me to write.

Because I will be admitting that I stayed in a relationship with someone who destroyed parts of me.

And not only did I stay with him. I defended him. I accepted the fact that it was all my fault and that I deserved everything I got.

When we began dating, everything was wonderful. But after a few months, things started getting sour. We started to fight more and more. But I ignored it. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I thought disagreements came with the territory.

I guess disagreements do... What happened with us.... shouldn't have.

I am a very stubborn person. But I hate yelling and swearing. When I was little my dad used to lose his temper a lot (now he is a big old softy, and I haven't heard him raise his voice in years) so I developed a fear of it.

When someone starts yelling at me, I shut down. I stop talking, looking at the person yelling, and I start apologizing profusely.

I don't know when it started, but I turned into my guy's punching bag.

If I said or did the wrong thing, he would yell and scream... swear... call me names. He had lists of things I was doing wrong. And no matter how I tried to change for him, I could never be good enough to make the anger stop.

He didn't like my family to be around when he lost his temper, so he would take me for long drives where he would rip me apart. I had to sit and listen because I had no where to go.

Just talking about this makes me cry.

What makes this so hard, is that he never thought he was doing anything wrong.

He would say things like, "I had a bad day at work, you should be understanding."

"You are pushing my buttons on purpose."

"You want to make me mad."

I never did anything to defend myself, which made him mad a lot of times. But after my childhood experiences, arguing back was extremely difficult for me. So I just sat and took it.

There were 3 times I did fight back, however.

He said something really rude about my mom. I slapped him. I could have cared less what he said about me, but how dare he say anything about her.

He started horrible things about me and a date I was planning to surprise him. It was after a long day of abuse and I was mentally tired. I was trying to do nice things for him, but I still wasn't good enough. I dumped a 32 oz drink on him. We were in my car and he freaked. He pulled over and I tried to run away because I knew what was coming. Luckily some people drove by and saw what was going on. They kept asking if I was ok and asking if I wanted them to call the cops. I should have said yes, but he kept telling them that I was mentally disabled and he was the only one who knew how to deal with me. Ouch. We almost broke up that night. Now I wish we did.

Last, after he called me stupid in front of my entire extended family on a vacation I had invited him to. I was hurt and ran into my room. Of course he followed me, yelling and screaming about how I made him look bad. I pushed him.

I feel terrible for these 3 things. It shows how immature I was (and can be). But sometimes it was hard to take everything in he was saying about me and believe it.

Now I can see the toll those 20 some odd months played on me.

I am not the same person I was when I met him. I am not the naive little girl who thought so highly of herself.

I feel ruined. I don't trust myself. I don't like myself. And even though I know it isn't true, I feel like all of this is my fault.

He used to say that he was the only person who would ever put up with me; that no one else would ever want to be in a relationship with me.

He told me regularly I was lucky because he wasn't like most men. He would put up with my issues.

As I write this, I worry that this was all in my head. But I know it isn't. He just had a way of making me think that everything was my fault. That he was perfect. And that I was the one with the problems.

It's really hard to write. It is really hard to not believe that is true.

I never thought I had issues until he came into my life. I didn't think I was such a bad person until I listened to him tell me that everyday... and it had to be true, right? Otherwise he wouldn't lose his temper with me on a daily basis.

It is really hard to post this because I feel like I have barely touched the surface on our relationship or the abuse. And I am scared of what you will think.

Because I know what I think about myself.

I just wish I could make sense of all of this and just forget it.

And I wish I didn't believe him.

Creepy, Creepy, Creepy

Today I am not in the mood to talk about my past. (Although I am having a pretty hard time with the fact that I am INCREDIBLY lonely!!)

Today I want to talk about the CREEPY guy who started working with me on Sunday. I worked today with him and today was worse than the first time we worked together! If it keeps getting worse, how am I going to survive?!

Let me back up. Creepy guy is 19 and is (according to everything I know about him) a dead beat. The first time we worked together he had no qualms about telling me that he had his drivers license revoked, was fired from his last job, and lost his virginity to a girl who ended up being a jerk.

I think if he were only annoying I could handle him... but I think he likes me!

I am hoping it is all in my head...

But he is SOOO HANDSY!!!

Today he bumped into me on purpose more times than I can count.

He put his hand on the small of my back whenever I stopped to talk to him.

He rubbed my shoulder and back.

He gave me hugs.

He would purposely touch my hand when I handed him something.

ALL THAT on top of the fact that he is always teasing me, giving me a hard time, etc.

What is it with guys? Do I have to spell it out to him that I am not interested in having anything with him at all.... EVER?! I want to say something, but I am worried that his "feelings" for me are all in my head and he is just being nice.

I need to become a nun. As of right now I am so fed up with guys and my life, maybe a religious change would be good for me.

My Other Blog

I used to have another life.

It came in the form of a relationship.

I documented a good portion of this life in another blog.

The blog was created by my boyfriend of the time when we were planning on getting married. We had been dating for over a year at that point. I had read friends' blogs and was thrilled that he would set up a blog for me.

I blogged religiously.

When we broke up, I deleted the blog (it was one of the first things I did.) I never thought I would see our smiling faces and my posts ever again. It was a bit disheartening for someone who blogged faithfully for nearly a year, but I didn't want to explain the circumstances surrounding our breakup...

And the blog was a part of us. We were over. It made no sense to keep it floating around in the cyber world for all to read. As sad as I was to rid the world of my blog, it upset me more to keep it around.

I never thought I would see it again.

Imagine my surprise when, in creating THIS blog, I discovered that for up to 90 days after a blog is deleted, you can UNdelete it.

Of course curiosity got the best of me. I undeleted the blog for 5 minutes and looked through the place that had become my pride and joy. Then I deleted it again. But I couldn't fathom letting it go 90 days to be completely lost to the cyber world, like it never happened at all.

Our relationship happened, didn't it? And despite the pain I still feel over those 21 months, it WAS a part of me.

So I undeleted the blog again, set it so only authors (ME) could log into it, and decided that I am going to save it to a disc or print off all the pages and then store it with all of the other relationship stuff I have floating around.

It still hurts that our relationship over. And it hurts that for some reason we can't be friends. I was planning on marrying him. I told him everything. We spent every second we could together. There was nothing I wanted more, save HIM and his HAPPINESS.

But in looking at the blog and thinking about our relationship, I realize it had to end. And though it is still very painful, it was painful being with him too.

Love shouldn't hurt. But it did.

I am still trying to understand that aspect of our relationship. The part where I wasn't treated like a daughter of God.

In bringing back the blog (for me), I realized that it wasn't the truth. It was a love story I created for the blogging world. While I loved him (I still do, for that matter), it wasn't a healthy relationship. And a lot of those posts were made to look like happiness when they were really laced with pain and anger. So many of the dates I posted about were not the happy, loving excursions I wanted the world to see.

I needed to read between the lines in that blog.... look at it with all of the honestly I had tried so hard to hide. Bringing the blog back helped me do that.

And it helped me realize that THAT is part of me that I cannot forget...

If I forget I may let it happen again.

AND, it reminded me why I started THIS blog. It is why I am posting anonymously and why I am talking about things I have never talked about before.

I started this blog so I could be honest. With my family. With the blog world. With ME.

This blog is going to be a learning experience, because I still have so much more I have to be honest about. An entire relationship's worth.

It feels like a lifetime of things.

Photo courtesy of mgitsolutions.com.

Welcome

I am welcoming myself to my new blog because, as I see it, I will most likely be the only one reading this.

For right now, I plan to blog anonymously. I am hoping that with time I can put a name and a face to this blog. I can't quite leave my solitude yet.

I guess I should introduce myself... even though it is very hard. I can't do details yet, but I will tell you who I am.

I am 22.

I am female.

I am attending a university.

I am majoring in journalism... and perhaps law.

I am quiet.

I am shy.

I am sarcastic.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I am lonely.

I am depressed.

I am an abuse survivor.

I am loving.

I am religious.

I am happy.

I am me.

As I said before, I don't plan on attracting many followers. This blog is more of a journal for me than for everyone else. But if YOU are actually reading this, I hope that through this blog, you can get to know me as I get to know myself.

Oh. And comments are always welcome.