HIM Resurrected?

Today it happened again.

Well, actually yesterday... but I didn't find out until this afternoon.

Yep, that's right.

I got an email from HIM.

"Please come back. Please come see me. Please I have made a mistake and I know you think you have lost your best friend but you haven't. And I know you think you would be making a mistake with me and I'm sorry for that. Please just call me. Please."

My stomach dropped as I read this. My anxiety levels rose instantly.

I LOATHE what he does to me!! LOATHE!!

I have been doing so much better. I have let him go, realizing that if he wanted me he would act like it. He hadn't spoken to me since our last Sunday night talk where I told him if he didn't answer my questions on Monday, then he could expect to never see me again.

But then he emails me and it throws me.

My hearts starts beating rapidly and suddenly I feel nauseous.

How is it that after 3 months of NOT being with him, HE still has that power over me?

My chest hurts.

My hands are clammy.

I wish I could delete him and block him from my email accounts.

Unfortunately, I don't know if that is even possible.

We were so much a part of each other... this breakup has been hard.

It is hard to de-tangle ourselves from each other... and figure out where one of us begins and the other one ends.

For instance, I found a bunch of his Cd's in my room in a drawer the other day. It was totally shocking, because I had never seen him put the Cd's there. He must have done it when he surprised me by rearranging my room, months ago. I couldn't believe it. I can't seem to escape him completely.

He is still everywhere.

He still lingers.

It is so hard.

Today's email was just another reminder that he isn't completely gone from my life.

My sister's relationship just adds more pain to this whole mix. NOW is the time where I really need someone. I need to NOT be alone anymore. I need to be able to double date with her, hold the hand of my guy while she is holding her guy's hand, and have someone I can talk to.

I should go back to him.

I won't though.

It hurts too badly.

HE hurts me too badly.

Regardless of the fact that I am not contemplating restarting a relationship with him (although I do yearn for companionship) these constant reminders from HIM that he isn't going to leave my life without a fight are KILLING me. Because every time I hear from him, no matter how over him I thought I was, my mind opens up to the possibility of a relationship with him again.

And then I have to spend the next two days AFTER I hear from HIM convincing myself that I do NOT want him... and it is all in my head! Unfortunately, it often takes me days to get to the point of convincing myself I don't want him because he emails me for days at a time.

Don't email him back! my mind tells me.... YOU tell me...

But something inside my mind presses me to type a few misguided words and click the send button.

Then I am forced to check my email every few minutes after that until I hear from him.

Of course his email comes again.

THE nausea and chest pain inevitably follow suit. I tap out a quick response and the cycle begins again.

Often times I take to googling his name and picture while I wait for his reply.

After a few hours of this I am miserable.

MISERABLE.

WHY???

I thought I was past this. I thought WE were past this. We weren't talking. I was better. I was happy.

But no.

He had to email me today.

Err... YESTERDAY.

Humph.

At least the emails are coming fewer and far between.

I CAN make it.

I have to keep telling myself that.

And I have to keep praying.

I pray daily that I can make it completely through this trial.

That I can find someone else.

That I will be completely happy again.

That I will stop being afraid.

And that ALL of this.... the pain caused by HIM...

...will be worth it.