I finally did it...

I'm really shaky as I write this post.

I deleted HIM as a friend on facebook.

I also blocked his number.

It is really hard because I really wanted to know what was going on with him all the time. I checked his facebook account multiple times a day. I always wanted to know what he was thinking and what girls were talking to him.

It was hardly healthy.

Three days ago I started talking to him again... I mean really talking to him. We texted quite a lot for 2 days straight. It just made me feel worse. He (although he said otherwise) had appeared to have moved on. He had a new group of friends, new girls that he could ask out, and new found happiness.

It was hard to hear.

Then he said that I needed to either go back with him or move on because it was killing him.

I told him that if he actually acted like he wanted me back, maybe I would come back.

He never responded to this.

And then I started thinking.

He never responds to that when I say it. I told him that I felt like he had already moved on and was just trying to convince me otherwise.

He never responded to this either.

Today when I got onto facebook his status was something full of happiness with nothing to do with me.

Although I don't really want him back, I was holding on. I didn't want him to find happiness because I haven't found that happiness yet. I wanted to be the only way he would be happy. I know that is selfish, but he always told me that I was his only joy.

He was always saying that I was the only one he could ever love and that he would never be able to live without me. He said he was never happier than when he was with me.

Clearly I should have realized that those were all lines.

Otherwise his actions would have been a thousand times different.

In any case, this morning when I woke up and did the traditional check of his facebook, I realized that I cannot do this to myself anymore.

I need to move on.

I don't want him back.

And I really don't want to text him anymore because all he does is swear at me, chew me out, and blame me for all of his problems.

Now I need to stop thinking about him and worrying that he is happier than I am. Because none of that matters.

I need to start thinking about myself and how to make myself a better and happier person. And I need to stop thinking that he is the only one for me. Now I can't think that way. He doesn't exist anymore in my world.

I am starting to shake less as I ramble about my feelings.

It is still really hard to take... the fact that I really did it.

It makes me want to laugh and cry all in the same breath.

I am hoping that since I took the final step I can find happiness and contentment again. I hope that this final act of letting go will open a door to new friends, new opportunities, and a new relationship.

I just hope that this means it is finally going to get easier. Not harder because I can't do my customary check-ups.

So wish me and my shaky hands good luck.

I will keep you posted.