Time may change me, but I can't change time

I have pondered a lot these past few weeks this: If I knew THEN what I know NOW, would I be where I am today?

Part of me wants to think, "NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!"

But there is a quieter, smarter part of me that whispers, "would you change who you are now for who you were then?"

No.

I don't think I would.

Granted, I have a lot of pain, fear, anger... things that I need to work through...

But those are just things. Things. They aren't me. They are things that I was taught to feel these past months. And with time, I can overcome them.

The person who I am, on the other hand.

She isn't who I was before this happened.

AND she is a better person that who I once was.

I learned a lot about myself because of the pain.

I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I have control of things that I didn't think I had control of.

I am more mature than I was at the beginning of this. When I met HIM, I was a shy, naive girl.

I have said those words multiple times before, but I can't help it.

Looking back at her and what her views of the world were, I want to smack her.

"YOU have no idea," I would tell her.

"YOU THINK you know EVERYTHING!"

I would tell her that she is selfish. She thinks about herself and how to make herself happy more than she thinks about others.

I would tell her that she needed to stop caring so much about what other people think.

I would tell her to be more confident.

I wasn't confident. I wasn't strong... not in the way I should have been.

I had convictions, and I stood up for myself.

But not the way I do now.

I'm a different person than that girl who stumbled into HIS life almost exactly 2 years ago.

It is still hard. I am still growing and trying to be happier. But those are just THINGS.

ME?

I am a better person than I was before this happened. The PAIN... the ANGUISH... the FEAR..? WERE they worth it?

SERIOUSLY?

yes.

If I knew then what I know now, would I be where I am today?

no. Honestly... I don't think I would have taken on that challenge.

I would have done things differently. Easier.

BUT I never would have known the person who I could have been... the person I am still trying and working hard to become.

I would have missed out.

I'm glad I didn't know then.

As hard as it was (and is), I think it this challenge has its silver lining.