Friends

I'm feeling really low today.

I have been doing a lot better lately.

But today, I needed someone to talk to. Someone apart from my family. Someone I could vent to and share my struggles... like I could with HIM.

Sure, when I had friends, I could use their shoulders to cry on. But friends (the TRUE kind that stand by your side) are very scarce lately. They have all moved on with their lives. It hurts to know that they aren't there anymore.

I had a close (used to be) friend tell me that a month or so ago.

We had been GREAT friends clear through junior high and high school. We considered ourselves best friends. I was with her through every one of her relationships. I was there when she was happy and didn't have much time for me due to her man... I was there when she was depressed because she had just broken up (or been broken up with.) I was her shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. Yes, she was there for me too, but not in the same way. I didn't date in high school. Not much. There is a reason why. I'll have to explain sometime.

In any case, I helped her through many hard times. She knew I was always there for her.

In January she got married. I was happy with her, as I assumed I would be following fairly quickly with my man. We all know that THAT didn't go as planned.

Oh well. I am glad that I managed to avoid making that mistake.

Nevertheless, after it happened, I was a wreck. I wasn't ok and I needed a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I had my family. But as any best friend will tell you, having a best friend is different. I tried to turn to her on some particularly hard days, but she never seemed to have the time for me. I tried to tell myself it wasn't that big of a deal. But it was.

I felt like she was self absorbed and caught up in her own life. I wasn't asking for her to be what I was to her. I knew she didn't have time for that... but the phone works both ways. I was asking for her to care enough about me to check up on me occasionally.

I wanted her to be my friend, like I was her friend.

When I began feeling that the only reason we had remained friends is because of me and my efforts to keep in touch (although we vowed we would stay friends forever. Whatever. I shouldn't have believed that) I tried to talk to her about it.

I told her that I had been with her through thick and thin in high school. Even in college. I had been a true friend. And every time she had been hurt, she could turn to me.

"I wish we were still in high school so I could turn to you," I told her.

"I'm married now," was all she said.

The conversation pretty much ended after that.

My friend had stopped being my friend because she had found a husband.

I haven't talked to her sense. I haven't even tried. I don't think she has any real desire to be my friend, although I am sure in her head she still considers me a friend. She just doesn't want the best friends through thick and thin status anymore. If she did, she would text me occasionally... facebook me... even email me. I am not hard to contact.

But she hasn't.

It hurts.

I lost HIM... my best friend... and HER... another best friend... all in the space of a few months.

Today I found out that my sister has a boyfriend. That is where the depression today really started. She already hasn't had much time for me because of him. Now that they are "official" I am definitely out of her priority picture. Another best friend bites the dust. When I found out I went to my phone to call someone to cry to...

Couldn't cry to HIM... couldn't cry to HER... Couldn't cry to the sister.

Now what?

I'm just so low today. So depressed.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Except you.

Dear Blog,

You are my one true friend. You are the only one who cares. I wish you had arms. I need a hug.

Love,

Me