Colorful language decorated the text messages that had been sent to my phone.
You would think that time would lessen the shock these verbal beatings cause me.
But time hasn't. In fact, the time spent apart from the ex has actually softened me to them. We've been apart for 3 months now, I don't understand why he is still hurting me.
There was a time, when I was deeply embedded in the middle of the catastrophic mess called our relationship, that I actually began thinking in the language that was part of HIS everyday speech. While I never used the words, they were used on me so much, and with so much anger, it wasn't hard to imagine what I would say back to him if I didn't loathe the words to much.
It also was hard not to visualize the words. It got to the point where everything he said became the undeniable truth to me. I didn't believe people when they told me he was wrong.
It is still hard to believe he is wrong.
But I am getting better.
Better. What a word! I can't wait until the day where I don't see those words and associate them with me. For the longest time after he broke up with me I felt that my world was over. If I were all of THOSE things, then surely no other man would want me.
Because of this, when we broke up I thought I had lost my future. Suddenly the world was black and white. White: we were together and I had a plan. Black: I was alone and wasting away until my death.
It doesn't make sense, I know, but those words after such a long period of time mess with your mind.
I wish I was strong enough to have withstood all of that... and stood up for myself.
But I am not the confrontational type.
And I firmly believe that you become your actions. I acted the part; I became what he said. I lessened (well, I thought I lessened) the pain.
I long for the day when there are no more nasty words aimed at me. And I am no longer in trouble for everything. My heart, though healing, yearns for the moment when it is not only stronger for going through all of this, but happy again because this part of my life is officially over.
I have been struggling with deleting him from my facebook and phone, to the point where he can no longer find me or contact me. But I feel that I need to be 100% ready to do that. I need to be at a place where I am not going to look back and wonder.
I think I am getting to that point. I don't believe his words anymore, even though they're still very cutting.
And I am partially grateful for it.
As I heal, each hurtful comment, each terrible word, pushes me to be that much stronger. I want to prove him wrong and be the person I have always KNOWN I am. Not the person HE created.
And with each disgusting, degrading text message, I get that much closer to being at the point I have been working towards; the point where I can delete him, block him, and move on, with no regrets.
So yes, today I woke up to terrible words.
It was still painful.
But I am ENDING today stronger.
Because tomorrow is a new day. It isn't black or white. It is full of color.
And it is my day to do whatever I want with.
Not his.
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