I used to have another life.
I documented a good portion of this life in another blog.
The blog was created by my boyfriend of the time when we were planning on getting married. We had been dating for over a year at that point. I had read friends' blogs and was thrilled that he would set up a blog for me.
I blogged religiously.
When we broke up, I deleted the blog (it was one of the first things I did.) I never thought I would see our smiling faces and my posts ever again. It was a bit disheartening for someone who blogged faithfully for nearly a year, but I didn't want to explain the circumstances surrounding our breakup...
And the blog was a part of us. We were over. It made no sense to keep it floating around in the cyber world for all to read. As sad as I was to rid the world of my blog, it upset me more to keep it around.
I never thought I would see it again.
Imagine my surprise when, in creating THIS blog, I discovered that for up to 90 days after a blog is deleted, you can UNdelete it.
Of course curiosity got the best of me. I undeleted the blog for 5 minutes and looked through the place that had become my pride and joy. Then I deleted it again. But I couldn't fathom letting it go 90 days to be completely lost to the cyber world, like it never happened at all.
Our relationship happened, didn't it? And despite the pain I still feel over those 21 months, it WAS a part of me.
So I undeleted the blog again, set it so only authors (ME) could log into it, and decided that I am going to save it to a disc or print off all the pages and then store it with all of the other relationship stuff I have floating around.
It still hurts that our relationship over. And it hurts that for some reason we can't be friends. I was planning on marrying him. I told him everything. We spent every second we could together. There was nothing I wanted more, save HIM and his HAPPINESS.
But in looking at the blog and thinking about our relationship, I realize it had to end. And though it is still very painful, it was painful being with him too.
Love shouldn't hurt. But it did.
I am still trying to understand that aspect of our relationship. The part where I wasn't treated like a daughter of God.
In bringing back the blog (for me), I realized that it wasn't the truth. It was a love story I created for the blogging world. While I loved him (I still do, for that matter), it wasn't a healthy relationship. And a lot of those posts were made to look like happiness when they were really laced with pain and anger. So many of the dates I posted about were not the happy, loving excursions I wanted the world to see.
I needed to read between the lines in that blog.... look at it with all of the honestly I had tried so hard to hide. Bringing the blog back helped me do that.
And it helped me realize that THAT is part of me that I cannot forget...
If I forget I may let it happen again.
AND, it reminded me why I started THIS blog. It is why I am posting anonymously and why I am talking about things I have never talked about before.
I started this blog so I could be honest. With my family. With the blog world. With ME.
This blog is going to be a learning experience, because I still have so much more I have to be honest about. An entire relationship's worth.
It feels like a lifetime of things.
Photo courtesy of mgitsolutions.com.
I know exactly how you feel, my first boyfriend and i seemed absolutely the most perfect couple ever and it was randomly ruined by a break up i still have yet to understand the reason behind us breaking up. I can tell you though that it was three months after that break up i found another person who i've now been with for almost 3 years and we've been married for 6 months. So as hard as it is to let that other person you had loved for so long, it eventually fades and you'll find that true person who completes you. =)
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