Sunday, December 19, 2010

Let Christmas Begin!

Dear Blog,

I did not forget about you. I really didn't. I have just been so stressed because of finals.

First, I had to create an online portfolio for my class and halfway through searching for my work, I realized that everything I had was saved to a zip drive that somehow HE ended up with. Grrrr. Sometimes I wish THAT never happened. Although, I wouldn't have met you, Bloggy, or my BFFFF Joshie. Or any of my amazing roommates whom I love so much. So I guess I am ok with having to figure out an online portfolio with no work. You're welcome to look at it if you want.

https://sites.google.com/site/shirrelcooper/

Next, I had to study. I had to take the history test I was able to postpone because of the frostbite. It was such a hard test and I honestly thought I would fail it. I think I need to stop stressing. I got a 94%! Yay! So with that, I got a 4.0. Is it bad that I am so excited that my cumulative is a 3.91? :)

Finally, I have been stressing about Christmas. I have no idea what to get my family. And if you know me at all, I LOVE Christmas. I go all out for my presents. In fact, I put off buying my car this summer because I knew I wouldn't have that much money for Christmas presents. In any case, I am having the hardest time coming up with certain presents. Especially for my sister. She is picky and she is going on a mission. Both of those things limit my options. In any case, we are less than a week away from Christmas and I am still at a loss as to what to get her... Suggestions would be greatly appreciated if you have any. :)

Now that finals are over, I want to get back into the blogging thing. Especially because we're into the most amazing month of the year!

Until next time, be sure to spend a few minutes feeling the wonderful holiday spirit!

Loves!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Frostbite

I know this is disgusting, but I wanted to share. This is the remnants of my frostbitten foot. Today Josh and I (well, mostly Josh) cut away the dead skin--the absolutely disgusting, black/brown, hard, dead skin.


It didn't even hurt at all. And my foot looks much better now. AND I can now feel my heel when I walk!! YAY!

Note to self: Don't get frostbite again. It hurts. It's ugly. And you have to be freezing cold to get it. I see nothing good from any of this.

On a lighter note, the green slippers are doing well. I have actually started wearing them again.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Long Road To Evanston

By Shirrel Cooper

The frostbite on my foot is finally starting to fade, so I figure I should get around to telling the story. I really have been meaning to, I promise. But school has been crazy and I haven't been able to find a good, captivating beginning to the frostbite epoch.

I'll just stick with the easy.

Once upon a time, in a little (medium) sized town called Logan, there lived two college friends. (Well, technically there were more than two friends in Logan, but this story is focusing on these particular two.) They were named Shirrelie and Joshie.

Shirrelie and Joshie lived for adventure. They loved taking drives when they were bored and did crazy things like wade in the off-limits fountain on campus. One Thursday night, Joshie and Shirrelie even drove to Idaho Falls just because it sounded like fun. 

One fateful day, Joshie and Shirrelie were both looking for another adventure when Joshie suggested they drive to Evanston. 

"Evanston?" balked Shirrelie. "You HATE Evanston! Remember when your car broke down in Wyoming last year and you vowed never to set foot in Wyoming again? Remember the CURSE!!"

Joshie looked at Shirrelie and shrugged. "We went to Idaho. I think we need to go all directions. Tonight, lets go to Evanston."

Shirrelie couldn't fault his logic. And it was pretty surprising he had even suggested Wyoming. Who knew if she would ever drive to Wyoming with Joshie again.

"Ok," Shirrelie said. "Let's go to Evanston." 

So began the infamous adventure. A long drive from Logan to Evanston in which Shirrelie fell asleep. As much as Joshie had wanted an adventure, Shirrelie was bored of driving. And bored of Evanston. She did not want to drive back the way she came. The canyon at night was not a very adventurous or pretty drive. So Shirrelie did something she never should have done. She suggested a different route....

Through the Uintas. 

Maybe it was because Shirrelie forgets that Joshie is from Texas, or maybe it was just because Shirrelie was extra tired from the drive... but whatever the reason, Shirrelie suggested to drive the back roads back to Layton...to Logan. She knew it was midnight and she knew that it would be faster to go back through the canyon on the freeway, but Shirrelie just wanted an adventure. 

One fateful decision, and a willing driver, led Shirrelie and Joshie down the path to a moutainous road toward adventure. However, neither realized just how adventurous this adventure would become. 

Shirrelie watched out the window at the passing highway and the few deer along the side of the road, ignoring all thoughts of warning that should have been going through her head. She had mentioned to Joshie earlier that the road through the mountains might be closed, but neither Shirrlie nor Joshie paid the thought any mind. 

Perhaps that is why it was so easy for both to assume the same thought process when they saw the sign.

Road Closed: Not Maintained For Winter

"Joshie?" Shirrelie asked. "Should we turn around.?"

Joshie looked at the road just past the sign. There was no snow on it. And there did not appear to be any storm approaching. 

"Meh," Joshie said. "We should be fine." Shirrelie watched as Joshie drove around the sign and continued on toward adventure. 

But then it happened. 

The roads started looking wintery. And the flakes started falling. Every-so-often Shirrelie would ask Joshie if they should turn around. And each time Joshie would reply that the car was fine. The roads didn't seem bad at all. 

When the snow started getting particularly deep, Shirrelie made one final plea with Joshie.

"Joshie...It's getting bad. We should turn around. And we don't have cell phone service if we get stuck..."

Joshie was not yet willing to accept defeat. 

"Maybe it's better on the other side of this hill," he said. "If it's not, we'll turn around there." Shirrelie didn't think Joshie could turn around on the snowy road. The snow was getting deeper and he didn't have snow tires on his Rav4. 

"Ok..." Shirrelie said. But she didn't have much time to consider what would happen if they couldn't turn around. Joshie and Shirrelie never made it to the top of the hill. The poor car had slid off the road into a snow bank. As Joshie got out to survey the damage and attempt to dig out, the wind started blowing and the snow started falling. Shirrelie opened her door to try and help, but then she remembered that she was wearing sweats... and slippers....

"Shirrelie," Joshie said. "Stay in the car. You aren't dressed to help." Shirrelie complied, silently cursing her decision to wear her green fuzzy slippers instead of her shoes. But they were going for a drive... not a snow date. Thinking fast, Shirrelie emptied out the McDonald drinks they had bought in Evanston. 

"Here, Joshie," She said. "Here is something to dig with." Shirrelie smiled at her quick thinking and fast acting decision. Though she would later regret this, at the moment, she was relishing in the adventure. However, the feeling wouldn't last. An hour later, a wet and cold Joshie stumbled into the car.

"Shirrelie," he said. "I think we are going to have to spend the night." Shirrelie was not phased. Not initially. How fun, she thought, to be able to spend the night in the car. It was as she was settling in for the night that she realized how flawed this logic was.

Joshie and Shirrlie hadn't told anyone they were leaving Logan. Joshie and Shirrelie hadn't told anyone they were going to Evanston. And Joshie and Shirrelie were on a road that was closed for the winter. How were Joshie and Shirrlie going to be ok?

It was then that the panic started setting in. Poor Joshie. He never saw it coming. Shirrelie honestly believed she was going to die. And in her intense fear, she saw the need to speed up the process.

"Joshie!! I need to lay in the snow and die now because I don't want to die of starvation."

"You aren't going to die, Shirrelie."

"Joshie!! Nobody knows where we are! Nobody knows we're even out here! They won't miss us!"

"They'll miss us, Shirrelie."

"Joshie!! No one is going to drive down this road! It's CLOSED!! And I am going to starve!"

"You can eat these two fingers Shirrelie. You can eat my foot."

"Joshie!! I'm thirsty!"

And so the night continued. Joshie patiently keeping Shirrelie in the car, while Shirrelie's mind played the worse tricks imaginable on her. All while the wind and the snow swirled around outside the little SUV.

Joshie and Shirrelie should have been trying to get sleep. Instead, Joshie tried to convince the hysterical Shirrelie that she would live to see her family again.

And poor Shirrelie. She had to go to the bathroom in the snow. With no shoes. Because her fuzzy slippers were no protection from the cold and Shirrelie did not want to ruin them in a snow drift.

When light finally peaked over the trees the next morning, neither Joshie nor Shirrelie had slept much. Both were tired, hungry, thirsty, and a little (well, some more than others) scared. For some reason Shirrelie and Joshie thought that everything would be better when it was light outside. Neither were thinking that they would be even more snowed in after a night in the blizzard. 

"Joshie! We're going to die out here!

"No Shirrelie. I am going to try to dig us out again." Shirrelie decided to help this time. But Joshie and Shirrelie couldn't get enough of the snow away to get out. Shirrelie and Joshie had a decision to make. Stay in the car and wait... or walk back the way they came. Joshie knew that with Shirrelie's intense fear of dying in the car, they would both have to walk out. 

Joshie put his shoes on and gathered a few belongings. He got out of the car and stopped to help Shirrelie. That is when he noticed Shirrelie's feet. Shirrelie was unprepared for the mountain rendezvous and suddenly Joshie could tell. Shirrelie was wearing green slippers. Joshie had nothing to offer but an extra sweatshirt that Shirrelie had used to dry her feet on in the middle of the night. Making sure that Shirrelie was as bundled as was possible, Joshie began leading the way out of the mountains. 

The snow hadn't stopped falling and the wind hadn't stopped blowing, but both Shirrelie and Joshie continued to walk. At first both were optimistic, but as time passed, both grew weary. Shirrelie worried that they would never make it to cell phone service. Joshie worried that his car would not be dug out until summer. Shirrelie thought she was going to die. Joshie worried that Shirrelie would stop walking and he would have to carry her off the mountain. 

It is little wonder that Joshie ignored Shirrelie's complaints about her frostbitten feet.

"Shirrelie, your feet will be fine."

But Shirrelie knew the truth. Each painstaking step through the snow allowed for more ice to form around her heels. And each step on the forming ice grew more painful. It was all she could do to continue walking. That, coupled with the thick layer of ice under the falling snow, made the trek down the road treacherous and slow. At one point Joshie took Shirrelie's arm to urge her forward. 

After nearly three hours, Joshie and Shirrelie saw something in the distance. 

"Do you see that?" Joshie asked.

"I thought it was all in my head!" Shirrelie responded. But as they got closer it was evident. There was a truck and trailer directly in their path. As direct in their path as it was, both Joshie and Shirrelie felt like it took forever to reach the vehicle. And as they drew nearer, both realized that there was no one in the truck or trailer. 

"Joshie, I'm tired. I just want to sit down. And I have frostbite."

"You don't have frostbite, Shirrelie. And you aren't sitting down. We can rest against the trailer for a minute."

Then Joshie looked opposite the truck and trailer. On a raised mountainside road, a car was parked. And there were people inside. 

"Joshie. Just find out how much longer we have to walk. I'm tired."

Shirrelie watched as Joshie walked through the snow and knocked on the car window. She shivered waiting for him to return. But then Joshie was walking towards her and motioning for her to follow. 

"They're going to let us wait in their car, Shirrelie. Their family is going to try and dig us out."

Shirrelie and Joshie tried hard not to drip or shiver as they crowed in the back seat of this small family's car. Three children--Katelyn, Carlie, and Drew--and two parents--Kate and Andy--conversed with Joshie and Shirrelie as they slowly warmed up. Then Joshie went with Andy and the rest of the men to dig out the car. 

When Shirrelie and Joshie drove past the road closed sign that day, nearly nine hours after hiking in the snow, they both breathed a sigh of relief. But for Shirrelie, the adventure had not quite ended. She knew she had frostbite. The doctor was the next stop.

That night, after a big dinner and a nice warm bath (shower for Joshie), both Shirrelie and Joshie sat on the couch in awe. The miracles that had happened to get them off the mountain were astounding. And the wonderful people who had been sent to save them were amazing. And, to Shirrelie's surprise, Joshie had been right. They had made it People had missed her and she did survive. 

And Joshie admitted he was not right about everything. Shirrelie did have frostbite. And for that, he felt horrible. The green slippers were never a good match for the snow. Joshie wished he would have believed her. But then what could he do? 

Shirrelie and Joshie are still adventurous, but both are also more cautious. Neither ignore road signs anymore and both try to tell people when they are leaving for a drive. 

But most importantly--They have both vowed never to return to Evanston. 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

More to come...

I want you to know that I have frostbite.

From wearing slippers in the snow for an extended period of time.

Because I had no choice.

I hope your interest in piqued.

Because I plan on telling you the whole story.

Later.

When I am not so tired.

From walking (basically barefoot) in the snow.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

Yes.

I am in fact locked in my room.

And no.

I am not in here because of homework.

I just want to be left alone.

Do you ever get like that? Anxious/stressed to the point of self-destruction? Clearly not suicidal. Just...."I want to pull my own hair out"-type destruction. That's how I am right now. And I am fairly positive fellow suitemates would not understand.

I think if I could wish for anything in this world, it would be universal understanding. I think THAT is the key to world peace. And probably every other problem that exists out there.

(Well, maybe not my not having a new car. But I suppose nothing but a job would solve that for me.)

In any case. I put on my happy face this morning and set out to conquer the world with new resolve. I think my happy face fell off somewhere along the way to class, though. And that new resolve? I haven't even taken it out of the package. My old resolve... tattered and torn... I'm clinging to that for now.

And that is why I am here.

In my room.

Anxious.

My resolve to be happy has wained. My desire to prove to everyone that I am strong is nonexistent. I just want to curl up on my bed and have everyone leave me alone.

I don't think they understand that sometimes my past still hurts me. And I am living with anxieties because of that. When people ask me to do things that I don't seem happy to do, they assume it's because of laziness. Or maybe that I am antisocial. I wish they understood the complexities that surround my avoidance. I wish they understood me.

But alas.

Remember that resolve and happy face I carry with me so diligently? They cover up any sign that I would want to be understood. And I definitely do not want attention. Especially in that regard. So I will continue smiling and being positive and convincing people that I am always OK. Even though I am not.

Like right now.

And during those times when I am failing and people think I am just being snotty, I will hide in my room. Eat some chocolate. Possibly take a nap. And remember that they don't understand. And that's OK, too.

Because I need to find my resolve again.

And my happy face.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Thank-YOU

I cannot believe the overwhelming traffic I received to my blog since sharing it on facebook.

The hits to my blog skyrocketed. It was astounding.

I also cannot believe how many kind and amazing people genuinely care and let me know they were thinking of me. How therapeutic this was! How nice it was to get such a warm response from people I didn't even realize cared!

I almost wish I would have done this earlier.

My suite-mates were especially kind. They knew a little about my past, but none of them realized the extent of that relationship. They wanted to know more and told me that I should write a book about the experience. I was so worried about what people would think, but they soothed any fears I might have had. What did I deserve to have such amazing roommates?

This blog has been my sounding board. It has given me a place to go where I could share my deepest fears and my darkest moments. The past few days I have realized that perhaps I WILL touch somebody's life because of this.

Regardless, this blog has changed my life. And the people who I have talked to because of it. Thank-you. I just can't get over the fact that there is such overwhelming support out there. I wish I could hug everyone individually.

I also want to change up the blog a little more. I started out super anonymous. I would love to bring in some pictures and stories about me and my life. So here is to the future. I plan to keep writing. Especially about the hard times. But I am excited to be more open about me and my life beyond that painful time.

Starting with a few pictures here and there.

Speaking of pictures, don't judge today's too harshly. :) It has nothing to do with anything. Just one of my many adventures of late. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It's Facebook Official

For those of you who are long-time followers of my blog (all three of you) I wanted to tell you my good news.

I got brave and put a link to my blog on my facebook page.

For those of you who are new. Please. Go back to the beginning of my blog and realize why this is so huge. Then you can continue reading this post as I explain more fully the reason I am proud of myself.

When I started this blog, it was to discuss the roller-coaster emotions associated with the demise of a terrible, abusive relationship. The fact that HE continued to text/email/facebook me. The pain associated with the swearing and belittling. And then the joys at the progress I had made. This blog has been my place to delve into emotions I did not want to talk about anywhere else.

Until HE found out about my blog. And started reading it. I almost deleted the blog after an email he sent me that really rattled me. I didn't, though, because I have never (nor will ever) mentioned his name. What right did he have to control my blog. It isn't my fault he recognized himself in reading my blog posts. Why would I shut it down? This blog was never about him. It was about me and my progress.

I still refused to broadcast the blog, though.

But in light of recent events, I feel totally and 100 percent justified in opening my life to other friends. I have linked my blog. Now other people can know about me and my experiences. And maybe, other people can relate. It is a horrible thing to relate to, and I pray that not many have suffered through similar situations. But if you have, especially if you are CURRENTLY living it, realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's a hard, hard road, but it does get easier.

I don't want to lie and say I have made it to the end of my hard road. I still have moments. But I am slowly peeling away the layers of pain and fear and moving past them. It's not always easy. Like when my guy friend tried to give me a hug in the car and I, without even thinking, said "don't hurt me." Poor Joshie. But at least he knows enough to not be offended by that.

Honestly, opening up my blog to the world and saying, "hey, this is me" is hard. I am not ashamed of my past. But it is hard when people don't understand. They sometimes say things that sting a little.But I think I need to work through that, too. Because people are generally kind and concerned. The few that aren't just don't understand.

So there you go. Thank-you to those of you who have stuck by me throughout my journey. Thanks for your kind words and your thoughtfulness. And thank-you for being here when I start my newest journey.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Answers

Today I offer you advice.

If you don't REALLY want to know something, then don't ask.

I cannot count the number of times my curiosity has gotten me in trouble. I think I want to know something. I think I really want to know. And then I find out what I wanted to know and I realize that I did not in fact want to know.

How many times has this happened in my life?

Too many times to count.

This morning I am deciding that I never want to know the answer to anything ever again. Ignorance is bliss. What I don't know can't hurt me. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Alright, so that last one was a bit much. But you get the idea. I have resigned myself from knowing things. And from answering questions. Unless it has to do with school work and my grade. Everything else in life is useless and unimportant.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sunday

Today is Sunday.

Technically it's the last day of Fall Break.

I have my homework finished for the week--amazingly--considering I took two days off to go camping with my family.

And now I am hiding out in my room, exhausted.

Wednesday I learned that I only have 13 credits left to take before graduation. Next semester is officially my last. I have even filed for graduation. Now, other than the classes I have to take, all that I have left to do is pay.

It is scary to think about the future. I am very much accustomed to my life. The thought of being completely grown up terrifies me.

With that in mind, I have been looking into grad school. I love learning and there is nothing stopping me from continuing with my education. I don't know where I would go. Already, things at my school are changing.

My sister, who I am currently living close to, is leaving to serve a mission. I can hardly believe it. I have mixed feelings about her decision. It will be really weird for her to be gone. My brother leaves in just over a year. It will be exceptionally weird to be a family of four for the few months they are both gone.

Unless I am married by then.

I don't think about marriage very often. I can't. It messes with my head. A woman in my ward told my mom that it is basically a death sentence if you aren't married at the age of 18. Wow. Apparently I should be dead or near dying. It's strange how all of my deepest, darkest fears have come true. I used to be terrified I'd be an old maid. Now look at me. I know I am a bit dramatic, but I can't help it. Some of the people I graduated with already have two children.

Unfortunately, the whole idea of DATING, the thing you need to do to get married, freaks me out. I still struggle. Even with my best friend, Josh, I have moments of utter fear. Which is odd because he has never yelled at me. It's crazy how patient he is with my anxiety attacks. Regardless, guys still terrify me. So, as far as I am concerned, I am destined to remain an old maid.

Which is why grad school poses such a real desire to me. I have nothing better to do with my life, I might as well continue learning. I don't know what I would do with a Masters Degree, but the thought of taking my education one step further leaves me feeling ... fulfilled.

I can't get ahead of myself, though. I still have a lot to finish this year. Classes this semester. Classes next semester. Christmas. Spring Break across the country. A long drive with Josh to Texas to move him home. And then hopefully on to Florida. A possible trip to Washington, D.C.

There is so much life to live. I can't get ahead of myself and be counting down to grad school ... just yet.

Maybe in the mess of everything, I will be able to find all of the secret, deep wishes, that my heart yearns for.

Regardless, I can't think about it. This last week was exhausting. And next week will be tiring, too. That is life.

Today is Sunday.

Technically it is the first day of the new week.

Isn't that interesting?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Nightmares

Is it bad that I still have nightmares?

About our relationship? About the bad things that happened? About HIM?

I hate it.

I feel normal and then I have a night full of flashbacks and terror and I wake up thoroughly depressed.

I wish I was better about not letting such bad nights get to me. But I can't help it. It makes everything worse. If I have anxiety about anything else, it magnifies it. I stress myself sick after nights with such horrible dreams. I wish I wasn't like that.

I feel like I have a new life--a life I never  imagined I would have for myself. I am a new person. I have new dreams, new goals, new friends. But part of me is still hopelessly stuck in the past.

I hate the past.

I learned a lot. I am grateful I was able to grow from it. But I hate that part of me still resides there.

The insecure and scared me resides there. And sometimes that girl comes back with a vengeance. I start questioning everything and everybody. I don't trust anyone. And I hurt.

It makes me SO MAD!!

Why am I still not normal?

Today was a bad day. I am going to admit that. Both to myself and to you. Maybe if I recognize that life isn't perfect and that I am still learning and growing and overcoming I will be more accepting of this lifelong process.

If anything, maybe it will make it so I never have another nightmare about HIM and THAT again.

On a happier side-note. My professor told me I should seriously consider graduate school and told me to stop by his office for more information.

I think I just might do that.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lesson Learned ... For now

It has been over a year since I last spoke to HIM (on the phone or face to face) and I am still dealing with PTSD.

While definitely not as bad as the real PTSD, sometimes I still suffer from the things that happened in my past relationship.

Example: I still shut down in certain situations. Yesterday I was upset about a misunderstanding with one of my closest guy friends. He wanted to talk about it, but the irrational side of me wanted to hide. He asked if he could come find me. I said, "no." He came and found me anyway, and I immediately shut down. He just sat next to me and asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Wouldn't hug him goodnight when the silence became overwhelming and he decided to leave. And wouldn't admit that anything was wrong. I even told him that we couldn't be friends anymore. He just told me that he would always be my friend, but if I needed space, he would give it to me.

Eventually my dam broke and I told him exactly what was going through my head.

He apologized. And then we talked about how it really was just a misunderstanding. When I told him I was afraid he was going to yell, he just said that he wanted to hug me.

I hate the fact that I still struggle with the residual effects. But after yesterday, I don't feel as much like a leper.

He told him me this morning that he found my blog. It's not much of a secret anymore, but he worried that I would be upset that he read it.

"Of course not," I said. "But I am worried that you will think less of me."

He doesn't.

I always worry that people will look down on me for my past. But I am beginning to learn (from great friends) that my true friends won't look down on me. The Bffff kinds of friends actually think more highly of you when they realize what you survived.

It took me over a year to learn this.

(Although you and I both know that I am still learning and growing and struggling and may very well forget this at the first sign of contention.)

But right now ... I am happy to say that the truest friends love you no matter what.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Another Randoms Post

Yes, I know, randoms posts are the worst. But I don't have enough new things happening in my life to write an entire post. So you will have to bear with me.

1. I love my roommates. There are seven other girls I live with, and they are amazing. I don't know how they would feel about my blogging about them, so until I actually talk with them about it, I will leave them anonymous. Just know that they are all amazing girls. :)

2. I don't think Joshie will care if I blog about him because he is my bffff. Everyone thinks we're dating because we spend so much time together, but we're totally not. It's crazy weird how much fun we have together. He is an amazing friend.

3. I am learning all about html in a class I am taking and am working on building a website. Crazy!

4. Tonight I am going to the circus for my birthday. I have been asking for a circus trip for years and years and I finally got it! I am so excited. I have so much homework, but I don't even care because I am going to the circus.

5. I found a song that I feel describes my relationship with HIM. Yes, he is still HIM. I can't say his name for multiple reasons. The most important one is this: This blog is about me, not HIM. And I am mature enough not to drag his name through the mud. ALSO, I think I am over it. It makes me sad still, and I am still scared of things because of everything that happened, but I'm OK. Happy, even.

6. I am sick. I have been sick for over a week now. I had a high fever and got a festering fever blister (which explains last post. Sorry if I scared any of you. I was out of it when I wrote that.) Now, I am over the headache and fever crap and I have a nasty sore throat and cough, but whatever. I am just hoping I will get feeling better. This has not been good for my homeworking schedule.

7. Also, to go along with #6, the festering wound on my face is now a peeling scab. Please cross your fingers it doesn't scar. I have enough of those already.

8. I have bangs. It is weird and I don't know if I like them, but yesterday I got the urge to have (in my eyes annoying) bangs. Yesterday I liked them. Today I don't. I am thinking I will just shave my head and avoid the whole mess. Perfect.

9. My professor asked if he could use another one of my papers as an example, and then told me that he now has "a higher opinion of journalists since he met me." Nice. Totally made my day.

10. I got an A on my first science test of the year. Totally shocked me because I am not a science-y person. Yay me! Also, a shout out to the friend who helped me study! You know who you are, and THANKS!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Ouch

My face hurts.

It has a huge festering wound on it that is making me want to cry.

It's definitely a panic attack day, and I don't even know who I would talk to about it.

Seriously.

My lip is pretty swollen-y and sore, too.

Ugh.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and today was just a nightmare.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

History 4841

Last night ... or was it the night before ... (days tend to blend together whilst I'm studying it up and playing hard at school) ... I got an e-mail from my history professor.

Let me give you background on this history class before I share the e-mail's content.

I took a history class last semester--history 4840-- and fell in love with it. It was the ABSOLUTE hardest class I had ever taken up to that point, but that didn't matter. I was having a love affair with the class.

I had to read pages of pages of books a week, as well as watch 2 or 3 documentaries a week. I wrote 3 papers, and had 2 tremendously hard tests. Honestly, my every waking moment went into that class. But man, I learned so much.

When my professor decided to offer the second half of the class this semester, I was 100% on board. Even though he decided to up the workload to weed out the non-committed students. (As if this class were a walk in the park last semester?) I wasn't concerned. I just rearranged my schedule to be conducive to reading a hundred or so pages of books a week on top of the 3+ hours of documentaries. I also buckled down for the newly added "one paper is due a week."

Wow. It has only been 3 weeks and I am already ...  what's the word ... overwhelmed? ... In heaven? ... HAPPY?

Seriously. This class is the bomb. My ONE regret is that I am not spending time with my other classes.

I really do want to learn more about extra-terrestrials, Alien class! And computer class, I promise I will blog faithfully! I am just a little preoccupied with my new love. Woodrow Wilson. (Actually, of all the president's, he is probably one of my least favorite, but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyway, back on subject. The other day I received an e-mail from my professor asking if he could use my week one essay as an example on what an A paper looks like.

Wow.

Of course I said yes. And of course my mind was blown. ME?

WOW.

Then he uploaded my paper onto the class website with a list of why it was an A paper.

Wow again. I had no idea I did all those nice things he said in my paper. I had no idea I really gave the course content a lot of thought before sitting down to write it. (That's a lie, I really did. I just had no idea it showed.)

Needless to say, this little encounter definitely went to my head. I love writing, and I had amazing opportunities to work near talented writers and edit their stories this summer. But other than my mom and select high school teachers, I have never had such high praise of my written works.

:)

Whenever I think about it, I smile.

Speaking of smiling, I really need to blog about my amazing new friends.

Remind me about that, and I'll tell you all about it.

er...

If I can find the time! :)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The One Where I SAY My Name

For the more observant readers out there, I am sure you have noticed that I changed one crucial aspect of my blog.

That's right. I am no longer blogging anonymously.

It was a spur of the moment decision. I had to create a blog for one of my classes and decided I would rather use my blogger account to create the blog. I figure most of you know me anyway.

With this change, comes my request.

My blog isn't going to change. Not in appearance. Not in content. The only thing that is different is the seven letters following the "posted by."

I ask that you don't change either. Keep reading. Keep commenting. Keep being so helpful. I only ask that you change your letters following the "posted by" when you do comment.

I would love to know who you are. Please. I am no longer going to remain anonymous. The time has come to break out and be open and honest.

I don't think I am going to say much more in my posts.

But I think the addition of my name makes my blog more real.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

What A Wonderful World

Today as I was walking to my class, I couldn't stop smiling.

The sun was shining. It was warm. I could feel a slight breeze rustling through my hair.

What a beautiful day, I thought. I am so happy! I love my classes. I love my new friends.

How far I have come from a year ago. Some days I just can't get over it! My life isn't perfect, by any means. I still struggle. There are things I wish I could change. And some days the sun isn't shining nearly as brightly as it was today.

But overall, my life is good. Really good, even.

This weekend I am going fishing with my family. In a couple of weeks I am going on a mini-vacation for my birthday. Isn't it awesome how you can have a place where you are always loved? My family and home is definitely that place for me.

I love that.

How can I ever doubt my blessings when I have so many?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Post Where I almost Said My Name

Today I am blogging from my new college digs.

Although, technically I have been here for almost a week now.

My stuff has been here longer.

I love my room.

I love my rug.

I love my bed.

And my fridge.

I am making so many new friends and I am loving my classes.

Also: I just put in my paperwork for graduation! How awesome does that sound? ME, a college graduate!

I accidentally put my name in that last sentence which would have been bad for the "this-is-my-anonymous-blog" blog.

So I am going to say goodbye for now and write to you later when I have more important things to say!

Loves!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Life Lessons Learned

The following is a glimpse of things I learned from my internship this summer.

1. Patience is a virtue.

2. People aren't always what they seem.

3. You should always take opportunities that are placed in front of you--even if you aren't certain why.

4. Double- and triple-checking is a good thing.

5. Repetition is one of the keys to learning.

6. Friends come in all shapes, sizes and ages. And they all have something to teach you.

7. Trust is gained through time. But is vital.

8. Points and pica's are different things, but 1 of each of them is the most common.

9. We all make mistakes; luckily there is a way to fix them.

10. Normal things don't make the news.

11. Anxiety attacks are controllable with hard work and determination.

12. Honesty is the best policy. Always.

13. (801) is not correct. 801- is.

14. "10 p.m. tonight" is redundant.

15. The Standard-Examiner has 2 sections: One for Davis and one for Ogden. Both have different stories.

16. The oil spill went on far too long.

17. President Obama takes too many vacations for the leader of our country.

18. There are too many corrupt people in this world--Especially our government.

19. Paper airplanes made out of "newspaper proofs" paper fly very far.

20. "Dinosaurs" may tell dumb jokes, but they have a lot to teach in regards to life.

Today was my last day at my internship. It was bittersweet. Obviously I learned a lot more than this short list. I only hope I can remember everything, as well as the friends I made, forever. I am so grateful for the wonderful opportunity I had to work there. I will have to tell you more about it later.

When I'm not too sad to talk about it.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Sad Story ... With A Happy Ending

Once upon a time ... on Saturday ... my sister told me my camera wouldn't turn on.

"What?" I said. "It just worked on my trip to Yellowstone! Maybe it is just the battery."

I immediately turned to plug in my battery. I didn't think the battery was dead, but I had to give it a try.

Meanwhile, I thought back to the last times I used my camera.

I recently returned from a trip to Yellowstone and Jackson Hole. It was a spur-of-the-moment, let's take a weekend vaca because I have been so flipping busy this summer, trip. My sister and I went.

I loved it! I took pictures of Old Faithful, Buffalo, waterfalls, my sister and boiling water.

Oh, and a Montana restaurant that hold special memories for my family.

We went swimming. We walked in the rain. We even found the waterfall that our friend almost fell in to!

We walked around Jackson Hole. I remembered the last time I was there, with college friends!

We talked. I told my sister secrets. She told me secrets. We laughed.

And all the while, my camera was by my side.

With the battery plugged in, I left for work, trying to keep hope that my battery really was dead and my camera really was OK.

Unfortunately, I knew it really was broken. When I got home that night and put the fully charged battery into my camera, it still wouldn't work. I was heartbroken.

All day Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I need a camera. It is important to me. I don't have the money. But I need it for school.

The swirling continued throughout Sunday and into Monday.

I started researching and debating. I tried to ignore my need to get a camera. I went shopping for school. I ate dinner. And I decided that I was not going to get a camera.

I also decided that I wanted to go to Best Buy and look at the cameras I had been researching. I wasn't going to by anything though. Just look.

Well, at 7:30 p.m. on Monday night, I bought this.


I love it!

I don't even regret it.

I still miss my other camera. But this black beauty is perfect for my next vacation--my BIRTHDAY TRIP!!

And it has some amazing features.

So while I was severely depressed that my camera died, all is right in the world now. Long live this camera.

And may we all live happily ever after.

The end.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Fish ... or something else


I started this blog as a place where all of the words that swim around inside my head can be released (or caught, I guess, since we're kind of talking about fish ... er ... just go with me).

That having been said, I have to be in the mood to to blog. There has to be something I am thinking about in order for me to write. And it has to be something worth posting here.

I had an anonymous reader once ask me to send him/her my drafts. I thought long and hard about that. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. For two reasons.

1. How could I remain anonymous if I were sending someone something via e-mail?
2. There was a reason I didn't post the drafts in the first place. I felt hypocritical e-mailing them.

This past week I have been traveling, working, puking and sleeping. All thoughts and emotions, though definitely there (and often sitting--against my will--on my shirt sleeve (who came up with that saying anyway)), have not been worth mentioning on this blog. I have felt neither the desire to share my deepest, darkest sufferings (Anguish, joy? Pick an emotion, I am sure I felt it) nor the desire to face your input on my feelings. In fact, I dreaded what you would surely say to me.

Thus, my blog went untouched.

I didn't even try to post something.

Until now.

I'm not going to post about all of afore mentioned things. The time is still not right for that.

But I feel the need to blog.

I don't really know what to say--what I am going to say--but my fingers are typing. Someone needs to hear my words.

Me?

Right now I am at work. I am sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten in a while and I am sitting alone. I have a party that I have to go to when I leave here and I am (if I might say) looking exceptionally cute in my blue top and curly hair. I forgot my jewelry and my jacket, so I feel a bit cold and naked.

But I am OK.

I want so desperately for you to know that despite everything that happened this week, I will wake up tomorrow and I will continue moving forward.

Do tragic things happen?

Yes.

Am I hurting right now?

Definitely.

But tomorrow is another day. I have family and friends who love me. I have goals and hopes and dreams. And even the darkest nights--the worst nightmares--end.

Today I woke up with a new sense of confidence. I pray that it will last as I weather the storms that frequent my life.

I also pray for you. I know there are storms in your life too. Don't falter. Be strong. Stay true to who you are. Always remember that each decision you make holds eternal consequences--for good or bad. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I think you forget, too.

Think before you speak; before you say something hurtful. You will regret it. I always do.

Don't worry so much. It will all work out.

Right now, I don't feel like anything is every going to work out. I hurt. I'm sad and angry.

But I digress.

I'm OK. And tomorrow is another day.

Bring it on, baby.

Bring it on.

P.S. Stay tuned for an upcoming post about the vacation I mentioned earlier in this post. It's full of driving, rain, crappy hotels, and Buffalo!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dear Unknown Number...Again;

Next time I answer the phone, please do more than shuffle/breathe/wait and hang up.

Or (as I said last time) STOP CALLING!!

You called me during work ... I actually answered ... And YOU didn't even have the decency to talk to me.

Um ... Need I remind you, that you were the one who called me!

If you don't want to talk to me, then here's an idea ... DON'T CALL ME!!!!

If you can't tell, I'm not happy about this.

Sincerely,

Frustrated Me

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Musings

A year ago today was one of the best days of my life. Eleven months ago today was one of the worst.

School starts in 30 days. I am oddly excited.

My brother has a fever. And a cough. I want to catch it so I can call in sick to work.

I am going to grow my hair out. I have decided that. Although I think I am going to keep the bangs.

I am watching a show about paper folding. Wow. Some people have way too much free time.

Immigration debate? I am sick of hearing about it. I am also sick of democrats and republicans. Why can't people just get along.

Hillary Clinton got married today. To her long-time boyfriend. Whom she lives with. If a couple already acts married, why does everyone make a big deal about them getting married?

My scalp itches underneath my French braids.

I have to work tomorrow. I hate working on Sundays. I also hate the fact that I have to work seven days straight before I get a day off.

I feel like parents tell you what they think you want to hear. Why don't they understand that I just want the truth?

I also want to go to the circus for my birthday. Does anyone else find it sad that I have asked for it every year since I was little... but have never got it?

I love Les Miserables.

I feel bad when I post random posts like this one. I know you want to read something more interesting than this. There are just days that I need to empty my mind before I can go to sleep.

I need to start going to sleep earlier.

My hand hurts. I also spent the day freezing cold. It is winter at my work all year long.

Once upon a time I had a pet duck. I really want another one.

Tonight my mind is racing. The colors and words and paragraphs are flying around the crevices and I can't seem to stop everything. It would take me hours to write all the words.

I want to go back.

I want to go forward.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I cried. I took a bath. I ate chocolate. I cried. I cry. I ramble. I wish. I pray. I hope. I hate. I hate me.

Dear reader,
If you have got this far, I apologize. There is no rhyme or reason for this post. My fingers are just typing what my heart wants to say... what my mouth can't find the words for. It doesn't help that I am completely alone.

Isn't it exciting to think it is going to be winter soon? Christmas is coming! And snow!

My birthday is also coming. That makes me sick, though. I hate that I am getting so old.

Right now I wish I could travel back in time. Just for a day. There are things that I want to do.

I am going to say goodbye now. And hopefully I will find something more profound... and more eloquent to say tomorrow.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Dear Unknown Number;

Please, either STOP CALLING ME or LEAVE ME A FREAKING MESSAGE. You ALWAYS call me when I am at work or asleep. I can't call you back because your number is UNKNOWN (duh).

It's driving me crazy.

The first time you called, it was weird, but not abnormal. "Wrong number," I thought to myself.

The second time I started to get a little suspicious.

BUT now that we're getting to the fifth or sixth missed "unknown number" call in a just a few weeks, I am thinking that your phone calls aren't random and are in fact planned.

STOP.

Or tell me who the heck you are and what you want.

Love,

Me.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Wedding Announcement Rant

I used to think that you had to be friends with a person to receive their wedding announcement.

I now realize I was wrong. People don't care how they know you. As long as they know you, you are going to get a wedding announcement.

Why?

SO they can tell everyone they are no longer single.

Case in point:
I was friends-ish with a guy from high school. I'll call him "Brad." Well, when I was a junior, he decided we weren't friends. Had I not run into him after high school, we probably never would have spoken to each other again.

Unfortunately, that is not how life works. We met up in a class in college. He had a crush on my good friend and I (against my will) became the go-between. After the class ended, our "relationship" (notice I used quotes) ended. I haven't seen or heard from the kid in over two years (possibly three).

Well, today I received an e-mail from him to me (just me, none of this mass e-mail junk) requesting my address so he could send me an announcement of his wedding, even if I "couldn't make it to the reception."

What the heck!

Seriously.

We weren't (aren't) friends. Why would I be interested in receiving an invite to his reception? I already knew he was getting married. We are facebook friends (which really means nothing, except I was privileged to get that information before the e-mail.) In fact, "Brad" put me in some of the worst, un-friendly situations I have ever been in.

Except, I know why he e-mailed me. And I know why I will shortly be receiving an invite to a wedding reception that I have no intention of going to. HE wants ME to know that HE is HAPPY and engaged. He could care less whether I show up to his reception. Honestly, there are a lot of people he is sending the invite to that make no difference to him. He just wants everyone to know about his good fortune.

End of case in point.

Here are my thoughts (as if you haven't been reading them already).

Only send wedding announcements to your friends and family members. Not people you just want to gloat to.

WTH!

Aren't weddings about those you love, anyway?

This isn't the first announcement I have received that has meant little to me. Sometimes I think people just send announcements to everyone they have ever talked to.

I am SO not this way. HECK, I don't even want a lot of people to come to my wedding.

Honestly, I might just blog/e-mail/facebook after I get married.

"Just wanted to let you know So-and-So and I got married last week. If you are reading this, you are obviously not close enough to me to have garnered an invite. Take that as a good thing. I respect you enough not to torture you and make you feel obligated to come to something and buy something for someone you weren't even that great of friends with. If you disagree, please keep it to yourself. Clearly ours was a one-sided relationship."

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Do YOU dream?


I do everything in my power NOT to. Except at night (which I have very little control over), my dreams are very non-existent.


“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later”


That is currently my facebook status.

Trust me, I feel that way 100 percent. All the time.

It isn't really a recent occurrence. I probably started feeling this way a year ago... Now it is my life's motto. I realized that my dreams are not coming true, they are probably not possible, and life is going to happen the way it's going to happen no matter what I do or don't do.

So what's the point? Exactly. I give up.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic. I'm really not. I am just done trying to make things happen that don't stand a chance of happening in the first place. How much pain and heartache would I have saved myself if I had always lived by that rule? An exponential amount, I'm telling you.

No worries. I am stronger because of it. And NOW I finally learned my lesson. No more dreams. No more wishing/hoping/begging/rearranging. I'm just going to let life happen. I am going to numb myself and let the fire and ice that is my life wash over me.

Maybe some day some of my dreams will have come true. Perhaps they will allow me to "hook up with them."

Or maybe not.

Either way, I am done following them.

Dreams are overrated anyway.

Too much time ... Too much energy ... NO pay back.

Just THINKING about the dreams I had two years ago makes me sick. What did my hours of daydreaming, discussing, deciding, imaging and planning get me?

Pain.

So let's recap.

I'm sick of following my dreams. (Heck, I am SICK of dreaming.)

I am going to ask them where they are going. (Or rather, someday I might wonder what happened to my dreams.)

And I am going to hook up with my dreams later. (Really, I just hope someday I will look back on everything and say, "Hey, I'm content.")

What about you? Do YOU dream?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Ugh

What a horrible day.

What a horrible week!

And it isn't even over yet...


Monday, July 12, 2010

Dreams

Last night I had a dream I had two dads and two moms.

Not step parents, but 4 biologically connected to me parents.

It was perfectly normal. Everyone else did, too. It wasn't even a problem to the me in dreamland. It was like having multiple sets of grandparents, except the parents all birthed you... Yeah, I'm not sure how that's possible either.

This morning it took me a few minutes to realize that I did indeed have one mom and one dad. One set of parents, one set of siblings, one cat, one frog, and one me. It was refreshing. Now I didn't have to figure out which parent was married to which parent... or if they were all married to each other... (I'm kind of sad I woke up before I figured all of this out.)

Oh dreams. Sometimes they make you long for what you don't have. They leave you with an I'm-longing-for-this-so-incredibly-bad taste in your mouth. And other times, they make you happy to be awake.

Today I am happy to be awake.

And I am happy to know who I am and who my parents are... and who they are married to... (each other, in case you weren't following this post.)

I am happy to know that I am loved. Even when I am not in the best mood, or I don't say the nicest things.

Aren't families great?

(WOW. That could be an entire blog post in and of itself. Especially because MY family--although there are times I want to kill them--is the best family. I could give you at least 100 reasons why. I hope you could give me 100 reasons why your family is the greatest, too. (Although, I must say I would have to disagree.))

Tonight I think I am going to find something better to dream about (as if I have a choice.)

Maybe I will dream about a day when I won't have to dream anymore because all of my dreams will have come true....

Or cake...

Actually, I'm not going to lie, I'd like to see how my sleepy brain finishes last night's dream.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Right Now...

My hair is in pigtails.

I have remnants of today's mascara smeared across my face... and under my fingernails.

I am eating a candy bar.

I am thinking about work tomorrow.

I am half-heartedly watching Bones. It is about a bride who died.

I am debating whether to clean my room tonight, or tomorrow... And whether to get a glass of milk.

I am worrying about school.

I am wishing for things: love, friendships, happiness, a car.

I am remembering: where I was last year. Where I was two years ago. December 16, 2008.

I am wondering about boys (dates?) from back then. HIM... Others...

Where are they now? Are they happy?

I am wondering about other friends from days gone by.

I am really debating getting milk.

I am hoping for the future. A better tomorrow. A happy graduation. A happily ever after.

I am thinking about you.

What are you doing at 12:46 a.m.? Hopefully what I should be doing--

--Sleeping.

Eh.

Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow night.

Until then, I will continue doing/thinking/wondering/worrying/wishing.

And getting milk.

Monday, July 5, 2010

To Anonymous, With Love

I am sorry I haven't written for so long!

It isn't for want of trying. On the contrary, I have composed many a posts in my absence. They have all just seemed... so... negative. And therefore, no blog posts have actually been published.

What have I been up to, you ask?

Hmmm...

I have been working constantly. My job consists of editing, paginating, editing some more, writing a little, and editing. It's exhausting. Sometimes (like tonight) my brain hurts and my eyes burn from all of the editing. Is it any surprise that when I get home, I have next to no desire to turn on a computer and stare at more words? But, on the upside, I always know what is going on in the world now.

Other than work, I have been reading (crazy, I know, but reading for pleasure is much different than reading for editing purposes). I have been watching relaxing shows, like House and Bones. I have also been sleeping. With working full time, my free time tends to fall into the "relaxation" category.

I always get to this point in the post where I feel like I am boring everyone (all one of you) out there who reads this and I save it to drafts and go to bed. But since I had a complaint that I haven't written in a while, I am going to continue onward.

I will leave you with a few little tidbits:

1. I recently saw Toy Story 3 and LOVED it.
2. I interviewed for a job (for when school starts) last week. Cross your fingers for me!
3. I am going fishing tomorrow.
4. A few more of my joints have started bothering me, but I bailed on my doctor's appointment so I still don't know what is wrong with me. Call me chicken (and overworked).
5. I eat ice cream every day after work.
6. I am going to buy a passport. (Is buy the right word? Should I say apply for a passport?)
7. I have a pet frog.

Anyway, I hope all is well with you! I'll try to keep you more updated. You should do the same for me!

Now, I am off to sleep. (Or to finish my movie, whichever comes first). Goodnight!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Rose

I am staring at the roses that are blooming outside my window.

The largest one is off-white and much larger than the other roses. I wonder if the other roses feel inferior to such a magnificent beauty.

Part of me wants to cut its stem and bring the rose to my room. But alas, there is no breeze in my room to capture the silky petals. I fear the rose would feel lost.

It's hard not to stare as it sways in the soft, morning breeze.

The window is open a crack so I can feel the same wind the flowers are feeling. I can also hear the birds chirping and the planes flying to and from Hill Air Force Base.

It's easy to get lost in the simplicity.

Oh that I were a rose dancing in the fresh summer sun and the crisp, warm breeze. How I wish I could join the birds as they fly from tree to tree in my backyard.

Instead I will pacify myself by listening and watching.

And maybe later... when nobody is watching... I will let the breeze capture my hair as I dance in the beautiful summer warmth.

Happy Summer! How will you celebrate?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Strength


Today I know I am stronger than I think.

There are three reasons how I know.

1. I look at people I was friends with/knew at earlier points in my life, and many of them are in places that they never thought they would be in. Today I was invited to the wedding of a friend I had at church and school. I know who she is marrying, and I know that she is selling herself short. She isn't the first friend I have watched throw away her dreams in order to chase momentary happiness. I was there once. Just like my friend, I thought my happiness was eternal. Now, I know it was momentary. For months I have felt so weak. Looking at her today, I know I am stronger than I think. I didn't sacrifice my eternal dreams for in-the-moment happiness.

2. Last week I called on an internship I had read about on facebook. A year ago I would have balked at the thought of calling a complete stranger and inquiring about a job position. Last week I not only did this, but I showed up for the interview, impressed the interviewer, and got the job. I still have anxiety. Even as I write this I worry about tomorrow and the future of my career in journalism. But I am not letting that anxiety control me anymore. Today I even applied for an RA position at school. A year ago I never would have dreamed of taking a housing position and living away from friends. But now, I realize that I am stronger than I think. My anxiety and insecurities do not control me.

3. I look at choices I make on a daily basis and how hard some of them are. I see my strength in these hard decisions, because I don't run away from the choices I am faced with. I joined a choir so I could meet friends, despite having a horrendous experience. I even made a friend. I enrolled in school again, even though I didn't want to have that stress in my life. I conquered the stress and managed an A average. I stand up for myself, something I never would have done a year ago. I go to countless doctor appointments and endure pain because I know it is something I have to do. My next appointment is next week. I quit a job where I was being sexually harassed even though the manager neither supported my decision nor made it easy for me to do. Today, I know I am stronger than I think because I stand up for myself and accomplish things, no matter how hard they may be.

Some days I need to remind myself of my strength.

Today I am proud of myself.

Look above for three reasons why.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things You Never Knew About Me


1. I am addicted to Bones. I watch it every chance I get.

2. I HATE the show The Hills. Yet, I am oddly addicted to it and watch it nearly as often as I watch Bones. It is a waste of my life, but I am drawn to the drama.

3. I have an internship this summer at the Standard Examiner. In only one year, I will be graduated and have a career.

4. I have an odd suntan line on my forehead because I missed a spot while putting sunscreen on. It makes me laugh when I look in the mirror.

5. I have overly sensitive skin that breaks out in rashes if I even think about it. As I post this, I can't stop scratching.

6. Ever since falling down the stairs at school, I am terrified of them. I approach every stair with more caution than is probably necessary.

7. I buy a book nearly every time I go to the store--even if there are still books on my shelf that I haven't read. At this point in time, I have more books stashed on my two shelves and around my room than I can even count... and I haven't even read them all.

8. I am majoring in journalism, but I don't want to be a journalist.

9. I have junk food hidden throughout my room for snacking while homeworking and for keeping out of reach of my family members.

10. Being alone in the dark scares me. Sometimes it takes me hours to fall asleep because I keep hearing noises.

11. I hate cereal. It is vile.

12. Secretly, I love chick flicks and books that end happily-ever-after. I just refuse to admit it because I don't feel that I will ever be happy.

13. I am afraid of large crowds. It makes me feel claustrophobic and gives me panic attacks.

14. I don't have a plan for my future. I like people to believe that I know who I am and where I am going, but lately, I am just wandering around aimlessly. I only pretend to know what I want out of life.

15. I love Tenacious D's song "Tribute."

16. I have a list of songs that I feel describe me/Him, our breakup, and my life now. "You Don't Know Me" and "Foundations" are two of my favorites.

17. I am an avid blog-stalker. I am also an avid blog editor. Spelling and grammar mistakes drive me crazy.

18. I hate shopping. Unless it is for books or toys.

19. I hate Harry Potter. I am probably one of the only people, and just admitting this is bound to get me stoned.

20. I love when I get comments. I don't feel so alone when I know there is someone out there who knows I exist.

21. This is my 61 post. It may not sound important, but with my Him and Me blog, I blogged 61 times. I can't believe I have matched that. To me, this post is an anniversary of sorts.

22. I can't handle ending lists on an odd number. Unless it is a five.

23. I love Greek. It's the best show since Gilmore Girls.

24. I have bangs.

25. I hate that my list is in no apparent order. If I wasn't so lazy I would go back and rework and reorder the things you never knew about me. Instead I will leave you a final thing you never knew about me. I am a perfectionist. But I am also lazy. Today my laziness trumps my perfection tendencies.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Wow.

So much to say.

Last I talked to you I was getting ready to fly to the great state of California to do some whirlwind vacationing. Oh vacation. Is it just me, or are vacations more hectic than real-life? I try to pack everything in, sacrificing sleep and sanity, all in the name of fun and relaxation.

Of course I ended up at Disneyland again. If you know anything about me, you know that my heart lies in that park. My poor feet, however, suffered. Who knew that days of walking through California and Disneyland would leave me with blisters and blood? Definitely not me! Especially because I wore old, comfortable shoes.

Great food, great friends, and great memories. And now I am looking forward to the next big vacation. Clearly I am obsessed. It seems like all I want to do lately is hop on a plane and end up somewhere far, far away.

Next I have been planning on Chicago. That should be fun, considering I have only been there once for a few hours.

After that, probably Washington D.C. or Hawaii. Florida has also been put on the table, but I think as time passes we are leaning away from that option.

Maybe I should turn this blog into a travel blog?

I have also been looking into getting a passport and traveling farther than the confines of the United States of America. Traveling makes me happy, makes me feel free, and lessens my anxieties.

It's funny that I am so obsessed with traveling when my family has always been more conservative.

In other news, I had an internship interview that I am waiting to hear back about. Part of me really wants it, but the other part of me hopes I don't get it. It stresses me out. I guess what is supposed to happen will happen.

No matter what, I am going to be planning a new, exciting vacation. I'll have to celebrate in a year anyway. I will be graduated! Wooohoooo!!

Random ending note. I never know how to end these posts.

Like now.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Happy Memorial Day

Today I helped my parents do yard work. Well, help is a relative term for someone who is terrified of bugs and hates dirt... But I did spend the day in the beautiful outdoors keeping my mom and dad company while they tackled the gardening demons.

The rest of the family was gone. I relish the time I get to spend alone with my mom and dad. Crazy, I know, but it is always fun to be alone with two people I care about immensely. The time I got today with them was no different. What a great day!

Life lately has been... stressful. I have a list of things I am worried about and that are making me sick. I hate that about me--the fact that I can obsess and worry about things until I am physically ill. It doesn't help that I have a hard time sleeping at night. I hate that I can't control my anxiety as completely as I would like.

But I am hanging in there, waiting for peaceful days like today when I don't worry.

I leave for my trip in two days. At this point in time it is actually less than two days away; our flight is Wednesday morning. I haven't let myself get really excited for the trip yet because I know the second I let myself get truly worked up, it will be over. Isn't that how most trips are? You countdown forever and then it lasts for what seems like merely seconds?

I hate that feeling of "now it is all going to be over." Perhaps that is why I never let myself get truly attached to anything. I don't like the sadness that comes with the end. This is evident in my relationships with people.

Especially now.

I have always been somewhat reserved, but someone once convinced me to let go and trust. I did. Whole-heartedly. The demise of THAT relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever had to get over (get through?).

I think that is the reason I relish the moments I have with my parents... like today. They are two of the few people I trust totally and completely. I know they will never leave me. Even in death, I know that we will be together again.

I just wish I could trust people outside of my family.

What would it be like to be normal again?

But then again, are any of us really normal? I think if everyone was perfectly normal, this world would be a bland one indeed. Ha ha. I know my family would not be as great if we were all "normal."

Anyway, it is dinner time. And I am starving. :) So I will talk to you later!

I hope you had a happy Memorial Day. The next time you hear from me I will be well-vacationed and hopefully tanner (more tan?)

Until next time!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Bucket list? Or something like it...

I was reading a friend's blog and stole this nifty idea. She stole it from her friend, so I don't feel exceptionally terrible. Anyway, it is a list of things you should do before you die. I have bolded the things I have done already. Although, I am not sure if I will ever complete the list.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant...
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (do my own movies count?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating?
88. Had the chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Wow, I still have such a long way to go if I ever want to finish this list. You should copy and paste and do this yourself. I am sure you will have a lot more than I did!