Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

Yes.

I am in fact locked in my room.

And no.

I am not in here because of homework.

I just want to be left alone.

Do you ever get like that? Anxious/stressed to the point of self-destruction? Clearly not suicidal. Just...."I want to pull my own hair out"-type destruction. That's how I am right now. And I am fairly positive fellow suitemates would not understand.

I think if I could wish for anything in this world, it would be universal understanding. I think THAT is the key to world peace. And probably every other problem that exists out there.

(Well, maybe not my not having a new car. But I suppose nothing but a job would solve that for me.)

In any case. I put on my happy face this morning and set out to conquer the world with new resolve. I think my happy face fell off somewhere along the way to class, though. And that new resolve? I haven't even taken it out of the package. My old resolve... tattered and torn... I'm clinging to that for now.

And that is why I am here.

In my room.

Anxious.

My resolve to be happy has wained. My desire to prove to everyone that I am strong is nonexistent. I just want to curl up on my bed and have everyone leave me alone.

I don't think they understand that sometimes my past still hurts me. And I am living with anxieties because of that. When people ask me to do things that I don't seem happy to do, they assume it's because of laziness. Or maybe that I am antisocial. I wish they understood the complexities that surround my avoidance. I wish they understood me.

But alas.

Remember that resolve and happy face I carry with me so diligently? They cover up any sign that I would want to be understood. And I definitely do not want attention. Especially in that regard. So I will continue smiling and being positive and convincing people that I am always OK. Even though I am not.

Like right now.

And during those times when I am failing and people think I am just being snotty, I will hide in my room. Eat some chocolate. Possibly take a nap. And remember that they don't understand. And that's OK, too.

Because I need to find my resolve again.

And my happy face.