Nightmares

Is it bad that I still have nightmares?

About our relationship? About the bad things that happened? About HIM?

I hate it.

I feel normal and then I have a night full of flashbacks and terror and I wake up thoroughly depressed.

I wish I was better about not letting such bad nights get to me. But I can't help it. It makes everything worse. If I have anxiety about anything else, it magnifies it. I stress myself sick after nights with such horrible dreams. I wish I wasn't like that.

I feel like I have a new life--a life I never  imagined I would have for myself. I am a new person. I have new dreams, new goals, new friends. But part of me is still hopelessly stuck in the past.

I hate the past.

I learned a lot. I am grateful I was able to grow from it. But I hate that part of me still resides there.

The insecure and scared me resides there. And sometimes that girl comes back with a vengeance. I start questioning everything and everybody. I don't trust anyone. And I hurt.

It makes me SO MAD!!

Why am I still not normal?

Today was a bad day. I am going to admit that. Both to myself and to you. Maybe if I recognize that life isn't perfect and that I am still learning and growing and overcoming I will be more accepting of this lifelong process.

If anything, maybe it will make it so I never have another nightmare about HIM and THAT again.

On a happier side-note. My professor told me I should seriously consider graduate school and told me to stop by his office for more information.

I think I just might do that.