I am scared.
Yesterday my brother hurt my feelings. I lost my temper. Rather than telling him I was angry and trying to resolve the problem, I did what I learned to do from my relationship. I fled.
I ran out of the room, hot tears of anger flowing down my face. I threw the items I was carrying on the floor of the room my mom was sitting in as I sped to my room. She, of course, followed me.
It all happened so fast, her running to catch up to me, that I flinched when she grabbed my arm to find out what was wrong.
"Please don't hit me," I sad as I turned my head.
"HIT you?" She said, shocked. "When have I EVER hit you?"
She was right. She has never hit me.
I couldn't believe myself: the flinching, the fear. I still can't believe it!
What has happened to me? What did he do to me? I run from my brother. I am scared of my mother!
I have been trying so hard to get over him and to stop loving him... but this is so much bigger than all of that. I need to get over all that he has done to me, too. I think THAT is going to be so much harder.
I don't want to be terrified. But I am.
I hate me. I hate me!
I should hate him. But I can't.
I forgive him for creating me. I forgive him for treating me so horribly.
But I can't forgive myself .
I can't forgive myself for becoming this battered woman.
It breaks my heart to see, well I guess technically read, these things you feel about yourself. I've known you for a very long time and you have always been such a kind and talented person. I know that every person who has come in contact with you has become a better person for knowing you. I wish you the best of luck and there are so many people that are there for you, your family and people you probably haven't seen or talked to in years. Remind yourself every day of the unique and amazing young woman you are. You could even try writing it on your mirror (if you haven't already) so you see it every day as a reminder to yourself.
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