You Don't Know ME

I feel like a leper.

It is hard not too. When people find out about my abusive relationship, they treat me differently. I feel like they are looking down on me. They act like somehow I deserve it.... because I put up with it.

Today I went to lunch with an old friend... someone who I met before I started dating HIM. I told her that no one really understands... and I feel like it is my fault all of this happened because I started dating him.

Her response?

Silence.

I KNOW that I started dating him... BUT it isn't as black and white as everyone seems to think it is.

First of all, it didn't start out as an abusive relationship.

The abuse started months into the relationship. For us, it was after we had started planning a future together.

And then when it starts, you don't even realize it is happening.

People don't realize that abuse starts off subtly. For heavens sake, I am not an idiot. If he had just slapped me one day out of the blue, I would have left! But the small, subtle acts sometimes don't even register. You come up with excuses for the things that make you uncomfortable and hurt your feelings... and then HE always smooths things over and makes it seem like it wasn't anything at all.

Love is sometimes blind... especially when the person who is blinding you is so good at acting.

By the time you realize that it isn't all in your head and that it is very much out of hands, you are trapped.

TRAPPED.

But people don't realize it. They assume that abuse starts off strong from the beginning and only weak women stay in these relationships. In their heads, weak women seek out abusive men.

I suppose that sometimes this is the case.

But for me it wasn't.

I didn't look for that. In fact, we talked about abuse when we first started dating. He knew I was scared of it and wouldn't put up with it at all. But like I said before, abuse doesn't start in the form of abuse.

I wasn't weak either. I stood up for myself. But as anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you, it is hard to stand up to someone who is twice your size.

By the time you realize that you need to leave, you are scared. Scared because of all of the things he has been telling you for months... things that you couldn't help but start to believe.

Things like: "If you were better, this wouldn't have happened." And, "You are lucky to be with me, no other man would put up with all of the stuff I put up with because of you."

But people don't realize that. People with perfect relationships don't understand what THIS is like and how THIS happens.

I wish they did, because I am not a leper. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, at the beginning of it all, I felt like I was doing the RIGHT thing. If I didn't have such a strong feeling that I was where I needed to be, I wouldn't have stayed. But people don't realize this.

This is another facet of the pain I have been going through because of this relationship. The fact that nobody understands. It is hard to be lonely for HIM. But I am getting over that.

Being lonely for some comfort and understanding from people who I used to be close to... THAT is something that is overwhelmingly difficult.... something I don't know how to get over.

I guess this is just another side effect of that relationship.

I really wish the healing process was easier...

My heart yearns for empathy and understanding, although I have stopped expecting it. I don't talk about the relationship, as much as possible, for that reason. Well, except for here. THIS blog helps me so much. You have no idea what it is like to sort out the twisted thoughts that are bouncing around in your head.

Today I just wish the blog could talk back and give me the support and acceptance I have been looking for... but haven't found.

On days like today, I feel like it would be better to be a leper.