I am grateful for... Pumpkin Pie

Breakfast: Pumpkin Pie and Orange Juice

Snack: Pumpkin Pie

Lunch: Pumpkin Pie and Water

Snack: Chocolate Cream Pie

Dinner: Chicken Fried Rice

Dessert: Pumpkin Pie

Midnight Snack: Pumpkin Pie and Orange Juice

Oh how I love Thanksgiving! Especially when my mom "over-does" the pumpkin pies. :) I also love this special month of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for. I will give you my "top ten," even though I really could go on forever. These "ten" are in no particular order.

1. My Dad. I am so grateful for him and for the time we spend together. This year we have had the opportunity to spend a lot of one on one time going fishing, working on trucks, Christmas shopping, buying trucks, fishing shopping. I love him. I love talking to him. I love laughing with him. I love teasing him. He is truly one of my best friends and I am so grateful for him. His advice (he is the voice of reason), his listening ear, even his stories about what he's doing at work. I relish all of it. Thanks for everything, Dad. You are my hero.

2. My Mom. Where would I be without her? She is the one who is by my side through thick and thin (and rain and snow and ice--name that song). We have a special bond that only we share. I can read her like a book and I would do anything for her. And likewise, she is the only one who truly knows and understands me. Maybe it's because she's had my entire life to mother me. I am so lucky that God gave me to her. We are the perfect Mother-Daughter-Best Friend fit. I owe you everything, Mom. Without you, I wouldn't be here!

3. My Favorite. You know who you are. Where would I be without you in my life. You are the sunshine that brightens up my world. Even in my darkest moments, you can bring a smile to my face. I have never had something as wonderful and as mine as you are. You amaze me. You are so kind and compassionate, but you would kick every "muffin's" butt just to protect me. Don't worry, Lovie. I would kick their butt's too, to protect you. I am so grateful for My Favorite. I don't know how I became so lucky to have her sent to me. She is more than a best friend. She is my favorite.

4. Shantae. Words cannot express my gratitude for everything she has done for me/does for me. She is an amazing person who was willing to sacrifice her life so she could serve a mission. While it has been hard to be away from her, I have become so much closer to her in the process. Each letter we send to each other, each email, each update... I adore her. I love the fact that we are still close. I love the fact that we have been close my whole life. I was the lucky kid who grew up with a playmate and adoring sister in the same room. She was my confidante, and I hers. There were so many nights we forwent sleep so we could chatter well past midnight. I can't wait until she comes back so we can spend another night talking. I love you, Shantae. Thanks for always being there for me.

5. Shmooish. I love that we can still play super mario together and have a fun time. He is such an example to me of perseverance. He is so strong, but so sweet. I love my "little" brother and I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with him. He is crazy, hilarious, and so much fun to be around. But he has always been understanding. I know I am just your "big" sister, Shmoo, and I am not nearly as much fun as your friends, but I love you! I remember when you were born! You're the baby brother I never knew I always wanted. Thank you. Where would I be without you? Life would definitely be a lot less interesting!

6. My Squishy. How I love this cat. How I love her soft black fur and her scratchy tongue that does such a good job of waking me up in the morning. I love that she is so "willing" to drive with me to pick up Jenni. I love that she sleeps with me. I love that when I am sick she never leaves my side. She was the greatest birthday present I ever received and I count her among my greatest blessings.

7. My Education. I never thought I would actually make it to graduation. I always planned on it, but there were a few times where graduating just seemed to impossible a goal. I can't count the number of all-nighters I pulled, the number of tests I crammed for, or the number of papers I wrote (at least one a week for the last year and half I went to school). There were times I detested school. There were professors I loathed and there were classes I would much rather have skipped (some I did) but they were all worth the degree I now have. It seems weird to be grateful for my own accomplishment, but I can't help it. I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to get an education, but even more grateful that I had the foresight to act upon those opportunities and get an education.

8. My Home. I am so grateful that I have a place I can escape to when the rest of the world gets bad. I love my room and my bed. I am grateful for the spirit that is in my home and the peace it brings to me. I am grateful it's warm in the winter and cool in the summer and that it houses the people I love. I am grateful for the things inside of it that I often take for granted.

9. My Health. I can't lie and say I have the prefect health. But I am so grateful for what I do have. I have a body that can fight disease and infection. I have a mind that is open and ready to continue learning throughout my life. The small ailments I do have are minimal. I am grateful for these small trials. They are nothing in comparison to other health issues I could have.

10. The Gospel. I am grateful for the peace it brings me when life gets hard. I love reading the Book of Mormon and praying. These simple things bring me the greatest peace and happiness and for that I am eternally grateful.

Life is hard. But there are so many things in life that make it worth living. I hope you can find things in your life to be grateful for, too.

Hello Again

I am sorry I haven't written in so long. I know I am a fail at blogging, but it isn't because I dislike this blog. I just don't have very much to say in such a public forum. When I started this blog I wanted it to be private because I didn't want people to know that I, SHIRREL, was struggling with things. I wanted a place to vent my frustrations, but I didn't want to allow people who knew me know of my struggles. It sounds crazy, but I wanted a private place to struggle.

Now that this place is only frequented by people who know it is my blog, I feel that I have to censor myself. I hate it. I hate that I have so many things going on inside of me that I can't use this blog as an outlet for. So I don't blog. I don't even really talk about things. I keep everything locked inside and I try my best to be happy all the time.

Especially on this blog. I hate that I sound like this emotional wreck in here. Especially because I am not an emotional wreck. I just have battle wounds that I talk about on here. I have so much to say, so many things I want to vocalize. But I can't because I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one. The one who can't stop talking about herself and obsesses over everything.

AND because people who read this blog know me so well, they will undoubtedly know who I talk about, even if I refuse to mention names. I just don't want that. I don't want people asking me questions.

So there you have it. I am a loss for words so I don't write on this blog. And as much as I want/need/crave a place to vent and get feedback... I can't bring myself to open the door to my life. I don't know why.

Me

So I have officially become this person who refuses to tell people when they have hurt me. It's as if I have been told that it's my fault so many times, I can't bring myself to tell the anyone that I think it is their fault.

Recently I have struggled with the actions of a person who I thought was one of my closest friends. This person has broken promises made to me and treated me in a way that I feel is unacceptable for a friend. I want to tell this person how badly I have been hurt by these actions, but I can't bring myself to do it. I worry that it will make things worse. I worry that it will start a fight. I don't want to just be told that I am the one at fault and if I were different things would be different. I have really struggled with this. Sometimes I feel like I am just too nice and I take too much crap from people--letting them walk all over me. But other times I wonder if I really do have a problem. Am I the one who sabotages friendships and relationships? Would I be happier if I stopped being Shirrel and became someone else? Someone better?

I guess my question is this: How do I change and who would I become?

Whoever I become, it has to be better than the person I am now. It has to hurt less than being Shirrel.

Vague... I know

I am so frustrated.

I feel like I am invisible. Like I am not being heard and every explanation I utter is nearly always taken wrong.

I have spent the last few days trying to explain myself when all I want to do is scream, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!

But I don't. I continue to try and explain and defend myself and to patch up what little I have left of my life.

I know this is so much vagueness. Always vagueness. I feel like I can't explain fully which is equally as frustrating because maybe if I could share all the details of my latest struggle, someone could help me.

I hate that this blog has become such a depressing place. I don't mean it to be.

I am not going to take the blame for what I am going through, though. The only thing I did wrong was trust.

I am far too trusting of a person.

An abusers dream, really.

Ugh.

This isn't even about abuse. I don't even know what it's about. It's about pain and wanting so desperately to make sense of it all... It's about wanting to know when it's going to end... It's about wanting normalcy in my life... It's about missing my sister, my best friend, and not knowing where to turn.

I must seem like the world's most depressed person. I'm really not. This is the only place where I appear like this. It's the only place where I feel like I can let these feelings out. Outside of this blog and the blog world, I have to be someone else. I have to be happy and positive.

I should go to sleep. It's nearly two in the morning and my thoughts are churning like crazy.

Maybe sleep will help.

At least when I'm asleep it's ok that I'm invisible.

Self Destruction?

Some days I feel like I deserve abuse. I feel like I deserve the bad things that happen to me. It is hard to talk myself out of the pain I feel. Although I have been making great headway in doing positive things and thinking positive thoughts, I haven't done a good job in telling myself I deserve better.

Even now as I realize that I have become caught in a similar situation as I was with HIM, I can't seem to break away from the horrible self-degrading thoughts.

I think that is the worst problem with abuse. The abuser convinces their victim that they are worthless. Yes the pain--physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, emotional--is absolutely horrendous and definitely drains a person. But it is the mind games that leave you convinced that you deserve everything you are getting.

That just doesn't go away.

I convince myself fairly regularly that I deserve pain. "Clearly if I deserved better, the bad things wouldn't happen," I tell myself. A twisted attitude to have, I admit, but for some reason feeling like I deserve bad makes the bad easier to handle.

I have a friend who spreads the word about this blog anytime she hears of someone struggling with abuse. For those caught in the cycle--because it very much is a cycle that is incredibly hard to get out of--it is hard to feel like there is anyone else out there who understands, cares, or has even been through something similar. I think that is why I started this blog. I felt so alone and had nowhere to turn. Of course my family was supportive and loving, but I needed to share my feelings somewhere else.

Now, as this friend tells me that "I sent someone else to your blog," I feel the incredible need to say "you're not alone."

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

There are people who understand that feeling of being trapped. More people than you realize have felt similar pains of abuse. And there are people everywhere who are struggling to get out.

It is a struggle. It isn't something that just "goes away." Every step in the process is painful in and of itself, but every step is necessary for healing.

I am still healing. I am still traveling though steps. My personality has been detrimental to much of my healing process. My willingness to take the blame for everything and everyone in my life has left the abuse hard to get over. But is slowly getting better. I have learned what to do to avoid those self destructive thoughts. It's always a challenge, but it is needed.

Life is hard. It is a challenge. I have new hardships to share that have left me battered--new demons I have not yet conquered. But now isn't the time to share the most recent chapter in my life. The pain is still too fresh, and honestly, in this case my body has turned against me in a way unlike ever before. I suppose that after everything I have been through, my body could only handle so much.

I am not complaining, mind you. I just want to talk through my thoughts and feelings and, even though I am in a moment of hopelessness, share my knowledge that there IS hope.

Each day brings another chance for us to overcome, help someone else, and to rise above our trials. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I have meaning in this life and I have overcome so much. What right do I have to complain when I have been given so much? And beyond that, what right do I have to complain when I have broken out of an abuse cycle that many others are still struggling with?

I am very grateful for that.

And as for those self-deprecating thoughts, I will continue to work on that. Hopefully as I close this current chapter in my life, it will be easier to recognize that I don't deserve bad things--that they are just parts of life. Isn't life an interesting bag of tricks?

Happy Sunday, all. Keep on smiling. And wish me luck. I'd like to smile extra big for the remainder of this trial. A positive attitude changes even the worst situations.

Secret Regrets

New favorite website.

secretregrets.com

I regret you. I regret trusting you and letting you know the pain I had been dealing with. You used that against me and hurt me far worse than I could have ever imagined. And yet your words continued to sooth me and blind me to the truth until it was too late. I regret telling you I love you and letting you touch me that way. I never wanted you to, but I allowed it because the abuse was worse when I didn't comply. I regret not telling you to leave long before I did and I regret holding on for so long after I said goodbye. I regret allowing myself to fall into the same trap again and let someone new into my life to hurt me. I regret that I am not stronger and all men seem to think I am only good at being their punching bag. But the thing I regret most is that despite the fact that I claim to know I am worth more than you say I am, I DON'T. I regret that I secretly believe that everything you have told me is the truth, that I am worthless, and that I should be dead. If it wasn't so sick, I would regret that I was even born in the first place.

Scream

I have been screaming all day, but no sound has come out.

I have been crying, but the tears are a waste.

Any prayers or pleadings are falling on deaf ears.

It's like I am slowly being strangled and no one will step in to help me breathe.

My mind is racing and all I can think is "What about me? What about me? Please. Will someone just listen to ME?"

I hate coming here when I am broken. But I don't know where else to go. Maybe someone else will hear my cries...

Sticky

Today I feel like I am dripping.

Have you ever felt like that? Like everything is weighing on you so heavily that it physically feels like everything you are struggling with is dripping off your fingertips?

Or is that just me?

I wish I was in the mood to post something lighthearted. I hear posts about rainbows and bunnies are all the rage. I am just not into fluffy animals and refracted light right now.

So instead I will imagine the sticky stresses of life slowly dripping off my weighted down body. Hopefully if I stand really still they will drip faster. And maybe if I hold still long enough, it will all come off.

Or maybe I just need a bath.

Shades of Grey

It's interesting how actions can color impressions.

I'm not talking about our own actions coloring our own impressions. While that is certainly important and something we should all consider in our interactions with others, it is not the direction my mind is wandering today.

I am talking about how MY actions color what OTHER people think. I know that this is life--what we say and do has always (and will always) have an impact on what others think. But sometimes I think people should not judge so quickly in observing the way other people behave.

I'm making it sound like I have done something heinous. I haven't. But that doesn't change the fact that I firmly believe if you could see into my head... see my thoughts.... my soul... you would think of me differently.

Oftentimes I dream of pulling someone inside of me. Letting them look at the scars and the still healing wounds. I want them to see life through the glasses I wear; try to make sense of the contradictions that I barely understand about my life. I just wish they understood.

It seems the many in this world are convinced that everything is black and white. It's either right or wrong, and that is all it can be. But heaven help me, there are colors swimming around in everything. And, like it or not, there are a billion different shades of grey.

Today my life is a splattering of these colors. And so many different greys it is disgusting. There are blacks and whites in there, too, but the way they are bleeding into the other colors shows how complicated I am.

I think that's the point. And I think that is why I am frustrated right now.

There is more to me than meets the eye. Spend a lifetime with me and I still don't think you will completely understand. I should not be "judged" (for lack of a better word) on what you see on the outside. Until you know me, the deep dark parts of me... Until you see the colors and greys, I don't think you have the right to tell me who I am and what I'm thinking.

You may think you know. You may have a thousand impressions of me. But they are just impressions. Nothing more. They are not who I am.

I don't want to sound ranty. I am not upset or even angry. I am just intrigued. Intrigued that this whole world is run by what people think about others--whether their thoughts are right or wrong. I may be alone in this, but that doesn't seem fair.

Life is an interesting bag of tricks, isn't it. The world is so diverse filled with all types of people. I know I am not perfect and have no right even pretending to be. But I can say one thing. I know that when I see another human being... another child of God... I am only seeing a small fraction of that person.

What right do I have to base my entire opinion of that person on that impression?

Lonely

Have you ever had moments where you feel so incredibly alone and you have no idea where to turn? Days where you think "if I can just make it through to tomorrow, it will be ok" but you know that tomorrow probably won't be any better?

That's how I am feeling right now. I'm not depressed, thank goodness. And I am fairly positive, considering how hard of a time I am having right now. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to see some... relief.

There are too many details and stories I would have to go into for this to make any sense, but I wanted to share a little of how I am feeling. Alone.

Hooray for the little things in life that make it all worth it. The little words of advice and comfort. Pajamas and pillows. And the knowledge that nothing lasts forever. Someday I will look back at today and realize that this was worth it. I survived so I could obtain something amazing.

That is what I think about when I think about some of the previous stuff I went through.

Speaking of previous stuff, guess who has started harassing me again? Unknown Number.

Yeah.

That has made my blue-ish mood all the better.

Oh well. What can you do. Except for wait for tomorrow. Hope for the best. And count the blessing you do have.

About my Anxieties

I have anxiety. I am not talking about right this very second, (although, I am anxious... but that's not the point) I am talking about in general. It's probably apparent to those of you who frequent this blog, but I don't honestly know how many people know about it. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by it that I tend to keep it hush-hush.

But after a particularly bad week, full of high anxiety and stress, I just have this sudden urge to document it. Maybe open up a little bit. Perhaps even find that I am not alone--or a freak...

I have had anxiety from the time I was a baby (or so they tell me). Apparently I refused to allow anyone to hold me other than my mom from the time I was an infant. My poor dad--his first born cried every single time he held her. I wish I could go back and change that, but I was a baby... it wasn't my fault. Right?

I don't think my parents recognized my clinginess to my mom and my fears of new situations as anxiety when I was really little, but by the time I was in elementary it was pretty apparent. I couldn't have sleepovers with friends or family without coming home in the middle of the night. I had major freakouts when my parents went on vacations and left me and my siblings with babysitters (sorry Debbie, Amie, Deana, Heidi, Grandma...) Most of the times these issues were resolved as soon as my parents got home, so I think my parents just thought I was a mommy's girl.

However, when I was in third grade my anxiety took a turn for the worse.

It was the beginning of the school year and my mom was going to be going to girl's camp during my first week of third grade. It was a new school year, which is pretty anxiety causing in and of itself, but my mom was going to be gone. And the teacher seemed very unsympathetic to my illness.

I say illness because anxiety is something physical. For me, during bad anxiety moments, I throw up, shake, cry, and feel like I am being tortured. I tend to rock back and forth and not eat (I don't have much of an appetite) and plead for somebody--anybody--to make it stop. Why don't I take medication, you ask? More on that later.

Anyway, back to third grade. I think the first day of my mom being gone went ok, but I could be wrong. I know that by the middle of the week my anxiety was so bad that I just had to get home. As an 8-year-old, my teacher didn't allow me to call home unless she felt that I was physically sick. My solution was to go throw up in the bathroom (in which she said I had to prove it and show her the throw up before she would let me call home). This teacher frustrates me because I was clearly not ok. I was crying and rocking back and forth and she just thought I was looking for attention. I wasn't.

Back in the bathroom, I found that I couldn't throw up. So I stuck my finger in my throat and made myself. The teacher had followed me into the bathroom and was watching me over the stall door (I didn't find out until I turned around) and it was by the skin of my teeth that she let me call my dad. Luckily he came and got me. Unfortunately, that little stint went on my permanent record and for the rest of elementary teachers thought I was bulimic. Wrong.

I never went back to that class again and my parents realized that I wasn't "normal."

In fifth grade I had a similar experience, but I don't know what triggered it. I was terrified that my mom was going to die while I was at school and at the beginning of the school year I lost it. My fifth grade teacher wasn't very patient with my anxiety (I don't think she understood either) and after a few school counseling sessions and then a child-psychiatry session, it was determined that we needed to change teachers.

Luckily teacher number two worked well with my anxiety. He was very patient and he allowed me to call home during every recess to check on my mom. My mom also came down during lunch to prove she was alive. (What would I do without my mom? Seriously.) She had to drop me off at the school office every morning and every day a secretary would walk (drag) me to class, kicking and screaming. Oh anxiety. It was a nasty thing for a child to deal with.

This is the first point of the story in which medication comes into play. My parents prayerfully decided against it and found other means to work through my anxiety. They forced me to face my problems head on, but were always by my side helping me work through the anxiety. If they (particularly my mom) hadn't spent so much time helping me face my demons and helping me work through my fears, I would never have returned to public school after fifth grade. I would have missed out on so much.

I guess this is the point where I tell you my anxieties. I have really bad separation anxiety. I have it with a few people. My BFFFF, My sister, and my Mom. I also fear going to stores alone, new situations, driving, not being in control, large crowds of people--among other things. I have done well working through the things I need to in order to have a "normal" life. (I can drive and be in control of my anxiety, and I figured out school.) But I really try to avoid the things that cause me anxiety that I don't HAVE to do. (Shopping alone, for one). I am glad that I was able to take control of my anxiety.

Throughout junior high and high school my anxiety was always present, but this is the point in which I became fairly good at controlling it. I had moments, but for the most part I learned what worked for me. Even college turned out to be ok. the beginning of new things always sends me for a loop, but after the repetition of new school year or job, I tend to figure it out. I am not saying there weren't setbacks or hard times, but I have learned how to handle them.

My anxiety took a turn for the worse when HE came into my life and figured out how exactly he could make me anxious and then "fix" me. Getting through that mess was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, but it also brought up the question of medication again.When we broke up I was so devastated that I experienced anxiety/anxiety attacks unlike any I have ever had before. So much so that I asked for medication. The doctor I went to prescribed a depressant to calm my nerves, but it just made me numb to any feeling other than depression.

Since that time I have avoided becoming medicated. I am not saying medicine doesn't work for some people. But for me, the choice to deal with my anxiety with my family and a few close friends makes it all the more sweeter when I can overcome. When I get through a particularly rough patch I feel accomplishment. And I feel like I am a stronger person. I am not saying it doesn't suck during the anxiety. But the end is so much more sweet if I can say I overcame.

Currently I am going through some personal trials that have left my anxiety worse than it has been in a long time. It is hard to sleep and I haven't eaten more than a bite or two of ice cream and a soda in more than 72 hours. But I am living for the moments where I can catch my breath and I am very blessed to not be working right now.

I have recently started researching my condition(s) and I am learning that a lot more people in this world suffer from anxiety disorders than I thought. And I am learning new strategies to help me.

I know this was a long post, but I wanted to end by thanking my parents. My mom has always understood and treated my like I was normal. She has helped me through so much. And my dad has always been so calm and reassuring. I don't think I could have become so strong in this if I didn't have them.

It's also a shout-out to all the great teachers and friends who have helped me through the years. I never would have made it to here, a college graduate and happy adult, if it weren't for you.

Stuck

I am worried about my future.

To the extreme.

I am not supposed to be this stressed about arbitrary events and things that may or may not happen. But I am. Big time.

Maybe it's because I am done stressing about school and I have nothing else to occupy my time with. Maybe it's because I don't have a job. But honestly, I have had one of the hardest weeks in a long time. I haven't been sleeping and I have been crying over everything.

And I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Ugh.

I am the type of girl who likes to have her future figured out. I know what I am going to eat tomorrow for breakfast and lunch, for heaven's sake. I hate surprises and I can't stand the unknown. I feel like I am not in control when something unexpected happens so I plan my life to the second.

But I am quickly realizing I can't plan something when I don't know what I want.

There. I said it.

I don't have the slightest idea what I want. I graduated from college with a degree I don't really care to use. I decided two years into college (after all of the classes for my major had been taken) that I did not want to be a journalist. But I always figured I would just graduate and then go to grad school and get a degree in something I was more interested in. I couldn't stomach two years of wasted school.

But now what?

I have no clue. Law school? I don't have a clue what I would go to grad school for. English? History? But then what? TEACH? Ick. 

And to top that off, I have no idea where my personal life is headed. This is not supposed to be this complicated, but it is. I very much feel like whatever choice I make will lead to certain destruction. Which is silly, I know, but I don't want to make a decision and then fail.

I am terribly afraid of failure and of being hurt and of ruining my future. Which leaves me sitting on the couch scared to death to do anything.

Granted, it has been less than a month since I graduated. So I probably haven't screwed up my life too horribly bad yet.

Still. What happens if I make a mistake. (Don't answer it. I know the answer will be something close to "it will be OK" or "maybe you need to grow." I don't want to hear that right now. I want to stay here and worry, I guess.)

I guess my question is this. What happens if I want two things so incredibly bad but I don't think I can have both things at the same time? How do I choose which is more important? And how do I make myself OK with whatever decision I make?

Right now I feel like there are multiple roads in front of me that I can choose from. And I feel like I want to take more than one of them. But that isn't possible.

So I am sitting here and waiting and praying and hoping I can figure it out.

My mom told me today that if I am patient I will know which road to take. She seems extremely confident it will all work out. Mom's are like that, you know? Always the calm, reassuring one.

I just need to listen to her. And stop stressing.

I am going to California in 10 days. I should be stressing about sunburns and motion sickness; NOT a future that I don't even need to decide on right now.

Phew.

I think I need ice cream.

Internet Purge

I am facebook stalking, internet surfing, and blog hopping. And talking to myself because I am alone. All of this internet viewing has prompted me to make an internet list. A list of pet peeves, if you will.

1. Ugly babies. I know that technically all babies are beautiful because of their status as baby and I am going to cause an uproar by saying--Not all babies are cute. But some are ugly. And honestly, a lot of the ugly babies are the ones who have beautiful parents. I don't understand and if you asked me about your baby, I am sure I would say it was the cutest thing since sliced bread, but seriously, not all babies are created equal.*

*Just for saying that I am going to be the mother of the world's ugliest baby. I am going to knock on wood really fast.

2. Spelling/Grammar errors. There are some people in this world who should not have a blog. I am not going to name names, but if you can't spell simple words and you don't know the difference between your and you're, I really think you should delete your blog. I know, I know, I don' have to read your blog if it bugs me (I really do try to avoid the blogs with spelling and grammatical errors) but they are seriously everywhere. Can you spell check?

3. Facebook Statuses. Just because you care about something does not mean the rest of the blog/facebook reading world also cares. So what if you are in a fight with your best friend. Putting posts that allude to something but don't actually say anything are just plain frustrating. Wow. I am talking about this blog, aren't I? I have always been one to frustrate myself.

4. Pictures. For those of us who don't know everyone you are friends with, tag your photos. Especially if I am in the picture. I feel stupid tagging your pictures for you.

5. PRIVACY. This is the internet, folks. If you put stuff online, be prepared for anyone and everyone to be able to find it. If you have issues with that, don't get in the internet. I officially don't want another status about how facebook is changing this and that and the world will be able to access everything if you don't change this and that and turn around three times while uttering a magic spell. If you have issues with privacy, then I suggest you stay away from facebook.

6. Facebook games. No matter how many times you send me your requests to help you harvest onions for your purple cow, I will never, ever respond. I don't play facebook games. Please stop asking for my help. It's annoying. Doesn't the fact that I haven't responded in the years since you started sending me requests mean anything?

7. False Ads. I am a KSL addict and spend hours looking for deals, bargains, and interesting things. I am tired of emailing about things (the most recent being a puppy) and being told that "I am not located in Utah, but if you send me enough money to cover shipping, I will send you the moon, right to your doorstep. Just pay me the money first and the company I am going through will handle the rest." Are people really that stupid to send off for something that is too good to be true and that wreaks of scam?

8. YouTube videos. Stop putting "Funniest ..." in the title. I won't look at it. Chances are it isn't the funniest. In fact, most of the time it is the stupidest. If it's actually funny, get me to watch it a different way. 

9. Ebay. Do people really think they can get that much money for what they are selling? Do people really spend that much on used items? Or the new ones, for that matter. I see things on ebay that I could get from Walmart for half of what ebay sellers are charging. I don't even understand. 
--And on an ebay side note, if you are selling a car, why isn't there a number I can call you at? I don't want to bid on a car after viewing 4 fuzzy pictures you uploaded. Wouldn't you sell more if you allowed for contacting the seller via phone call?

10. Email viruses. I am tired of getting emails from "friends" that are really just viruses in disguise. It's kind of unnerving that I have to screen my emails, right down to my own contacts list. 

Ok, so it sounds like I can't stand the internet, but I really don't hate all of the things I vented about. I just hate certain things about them. 

What about you? Do you have any internet pet peeves?

Post Post:
My poor computer is being fixed right now so I have no pictures or ways to get pictures onto this post. Not that there are a whole lot of pics to include in a vent. But I really do want to start documenting my life more adequately (including pictures) rather than these brief monthly updates that I worry bore you all to death.

Class of 2011

It's official!

I graduated from COLLEGE!!!

WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

Yes. I am quite ecstatic! After four years of working towards this I have a Bachelor of Science in Journalism from Utah State University.

I don't even know what to do next!

Law school?

Masters degree?

I'd love to teach history on a college level.

Whatever my future holds, this is the first step and I am stoked!

Pictures to come later. But for now I just wanted to check in and let you know of my latest accomplishment. I  can't believe I was able to keep all of this together amidst everything that has happened in my life. I can't believe I made it through this final semester and all the hard classes I had to take. And I can't believe I don't have to take another final.

:)

Yep.

I am happy.

I am a college graduate.

And I am going to Disneyland in less than a month with my awesome family and my BFFFF, Yachie (Josh)!

Could life get any better? I submit that it canNOT!

I think you need to know

Sometimes when I look at you I can't help but think you deserve more.

You probably won't ever read this. You probably don't even remember I exist. But I remember you.

I watched you from afar.

I grew up with you. I admired you. I thought you were one of the coolest things since sliced bread.

I was happy to call you friend.

I don't want to say you screwed up your life. It is your life and you know better than I where you are.

And sometimes the places we end up are because of another.

We trusted wrong.

I realize this. And I am not blaming you for where you are now. For all I know you are perfectly content.

But I am curious.

Are you happy?

Is this where you want to be?

I want to blame it on the pain I know you felt. I watched it happen. I never told you I was there. I was too afraid that you would think I wasn't minding my own business or something. Maybe I wasn't. Or maybe you wouldn't be where you are now if I had been there.

We were friends.

But I have always been painfully shy. And it has never been easy for me to let go of fears of rejection. So instead I just watched from here as you got hurt over there.

I guess I am speaking out now to tell you that while you can't go back, you can go forward. You don't have to stay there. Not like this. You never wanted this.

Or has that changed?

I thought it had changed for me, too. I thought that where I was is where I wanted to be. It was a terribly dark and lonely place, but I HAD to justify my existence in that hell. Saying I wasn't happy would be admitting I had made a terrible mistake. I understand if you don't want to admit that. But I see your pain.

It is so easy to allow more pain come into you life when you already feel beaten.

It was always at my lowest moments that I would voluntarily sink lower.

I didn't think it was voluntary, mind you. But looking back I recognize it was. I was so low I became numb and allowed the pain to continue to worsen. Oftentimes the fact that the pain was different was enough to convince me that this decision would be a good one. And then it wasn't. And I hurt again.

Did you do that? Are you doing it?

Or is this where you want to be with your life?

I want you to be happy.

But more than anything I don't want you to regret this. And while I definitely don't think I have all the answers, part of me thinks you will regret this. Or at least you will question your actions. And there will be more pain.

I don't want this for you.

I felt it.

I want you to get out now.

I'm in a better place now. There is not as much pain associated with my decisions. Life is certainly not easy. But it is peaceful. I want you to be here. With me. Sifting through the tornado torn ravages of past decisions. But recognizing the beauty of life beyond the storm.

I don't want your life stormy anymore.

How can I help?

Friend. I am here for you. I feel like we were both confronted with similar storms. I won't say that my storm was anything compared to yours. But I can empathize. I want to empathize. I want to help.

You deserve more, you know. This is your life and you are in control of it. I think you forgot. I think you forgot your worth.

Well stop. Stop right now.

You deserve more. And until you recognize that you will be stuck in this storm. It's a hard place to get out of, but trust me, it is worth it.

Especially when you recognize how amazing you are. Because you are.

Amazing.

Strong.

Beautiful.

And so much more.

You probably don't remember me. And you probably won't read this. But maybe someone else will tell you how I feel. Because you need to know.

There is a whole, big world out there for you to discover.

There is a life you have yet to live.

There are happinesses that are going to come to you if you can just hold on. Trust me. I know.

And maybe someday I can give you a hug. And tell you I was here. Because I want to. I still think the world of you. Despite everything.

You know what?

I think you know that too.

5 Weeks Until Graduation

I am wasting time. You know--watching TV instead of reading for school.

So I decided I should update.

Last week I got my grad stuff. I can't believe I will be a college graduate in 5 weeks. I am pretty excited. I can't believe my hard work has actually paid off (well... not quite. I still have time to flunk out! haha)

As happy as graduating will be, I am most excited for the California trip I have planned. Josh and I were planning on leaving after graduation, but since my brother is graduating from high school this year as well, she wanted to know if we would mind combining the vacation with the family one. Luckily Josh is basically part of the family (my dad says hi to him before me, for heavens sake) so he didn't mind too much. Plus, he has never been to Disneyland before. What better way to be introduced to Disney magic, than to go with a family. :) Meanwhile, 5 Disney trips in 5 years. I AM sad that Hawaii over the summer didn't plan out, but brother wanted Disney. I was placated by the fact that Mom promised we would go over Christmas instead. (Brother and Sister will be on a mission--so it makes sense.)

Shantae is doing well. She leaves to Nauvoo in less than two weeks. I can hardly believe it. It has been nice writing her. I miss her a lot, but she is doing well.

Um, I have been having health problems. Fun. haha. Although, if you know me, this is no real surprise. As of now, other than my shoulder (I have another appointment scheduled for when school gets out) we are fairly positive that I have an ulcer. Apparently I worry myself sick. Don't look so shocked. haha. It just puts a damper in things because I can't let my stomach get empty either or else I deal with excruciating pain.

Hmmm...

I think that is it. I don't think there is anything else new.

So over and out for today.

Don't Flatter Yourself

This is the post where I say "Don't flatter yourself."

You know who you are. And after what you did and said, two things need to be stated.

First: This blog is not a documentary about my life. I do not have the time nor the energy needed to document every last second of my existence. I know that overwhelmingly I come here to vent my frustrations about life, but even those are just a day's worth of feelings. They are nothing more than that--feelings. They are not who I am, what I feel all the time, and they are about something that only three or four people in this world even know about. You don't know what I am talking about. So don't pretend you do. You don't know me. You never have.

Second. There are vitally important things in my life that have never surfaced on this blog. And as of now, I am not sure that they even will. This blog is a public forum and now that I have released my identity, I don't feel right about attaching more names to this blog. This blog is not a family blog or a relationship blog. It is a blog where I share my feelings. Just because my feelings sometimes focus on loneliness and pain does not mean that I am alone or in a constant state of depression. On the contrary, I have been happier recently than I have ever been before. Pain and loneliness are attached to life. I don't want to get religious, but feeling like God isn't listening can bring loneliness even if you are being held by the one you love.

My trials in life have nothing to do with you--that ship has sailed. Even the residuals are finally going away. There is definitely less flinching around my poor Josh and fears of being screamed at have almost all dissipated. I know I don't talk about my successes near as much as I should, but I have a hard time publicly attaching these successes with the person who has made it possible. Just because I don't talk about him does not mean that he is not there. Like I said before--this isn't about him. Just like it wasn't about you. This blog is about me.

There are so many more things I wish I could say--some mean, some full of pity for you. As "anonymous" as you have been since I started this blog, I am not stupid or naive enough to believe you haven't been keeping track of me through this blog. I think you are the one who needs to move on--not me. I don't mean physically (we both know that that has already happened) but emotionally. I don't know what you are looking for in reading my blog so religiously, but whatever it is, it isn't healthy. I don't know or care what is going on in your life. I haven't known and haven't cared since I blocked your attempts to get me back. My future is bright and I will have everything I have ever dreamed of--more than you could have ever given me. The only reason I can see for all of your "anonymous" stalking can be summed up in one word: Regret.

Well get over it.

I have repeatedly ignored all of the crap you have posted and emailed but this is the last straw.

You are nothing to me. You mean nothing to me. And you are not a part of my life or my blog. Whatever abuse you inflicted on me and whatever pain you caused are my pains and as such are my right to talk about. But that does not mean, nor has it ever meant, that I am not over you and that I want you back.

So seriously.

Don't flatter yourself. And leave me the heck alone.

Because I am done.

Today

It's one of those days. 

A day where I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart is going to burst from the pain permeating my chest. 

It's a day where the old scars don't feel much like scars, but still open, festering wounds. Today it feels like there is blood pooling under my rib cage. I don't know why it aches so desperately, but today is one of those days. 

A day where I wonder how I can possibly make it through to tomorrow, and why in the H. E. double hockey sticks I can feel this soul wrenching anguish when the only thing I ever did wrong was love. I'm beginning to believe that is the ultimate sin--loving to much. 

Woe unto the one who gives so totally and completely of his heart for surely it shall be wrenched from him, leaving him in anguish and total hell. Woe unto the lover for he shall be cast down into a loveless world. 

It's probably a good thing I am not in charge of writing scriptures. I fear they would be full of self contempt and sorrow. What good could possibly come from that?

I am sorry to ramble on. Pain, anguish. Sorrow, contempt. You do not come here to witness my pity party. Neither do I purposely inflict you with one. But dear blog, I am in so much pain right now and I did not know where else to turn. I feel like my life is one giant mistake that I will forever be punished for. I guess today I can't see the light. 

Actually, I haven't been able to see the light very much lately and it scares me. I want to be free of this self inflicted bondage and the turmoil that comes with self mutilation and self loathing, but I can't seem to look past my faults and reconize that there is a daughter of God worthy of incredible happiness locked deep inside. Today I don't even know if God believes that's true. 

Why else would a kind loving Father in heaven ignore his child's heartfelt pleadings? Today I soaked my carpet with my tears and allowed my pain to escape my throat. Maybe I couldn't hear God because of my sobs. Or maybe not. Maybe I really am unworthy of blessings and happiness and freedom from the pain of an abusive relationship. Maybe I need to learn more from that situation. 

Or maybe not. 

Can you hear me?

Please. 

Today it's one of those days. You've had them, too. You just want to sink into the carpet and cease to exist. Just for one or two days. Today my eyes just can't seem to stop leaking. 

I probably shouldn't have put makeup on today. Or clothes. My pajamas handle tears better than this white shirt. 

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even got out of bed this morning. 

Dear Heart: Please stop aching. For me? 

Please?

It's one of those days. 

Yep. 

I think I need a hug.    

FHIM?

Angry.

Seriously seeing red.

I don't even have the words to describe the thoughts running through my head. I can't even believe it. Ugh.

Why is life so much more complicated than it should be?

And why can't I talk to anyone?

No one would understand anyway. Seriously the guy has the wool pulled over everybody's eyes. No. No HIM. Another him, though. Just as jerk-face-y. Except this guy I WANT to pulverize. He hurt someone I love. I would go through a thousand more relationships with HIM if I could fix what other him did to my best friend.

Other him needs a name. Hmmm.

Suggestions are welcome. OHIM? HHIM? SHIM? FHIM?

Ok. So the last one is uncalled for. I won't erase it though. I'm too angry.

Wish me luck sleeping tonight.

Loves.

Farewell to a Sister

My lovely sister is now in the MTC.

It is super trippy.

It is hard. I miss her. And I keep coming up with things I have to tell her. The email I wrote her yesterday ended up being 4 pages long. Wow. I never thought I had that much to say in real life. Apparently if you leave I will have more to say to you.

School has been uneventful. Except I have been driving back and forth between Layton and Logan. It has been super overwhelming. I did it initially because I wanted to spend every available moment I could with Shantae. Now I have been driving back and forth because I have been super homesick. It is weird admitting that. I have lived in Logan for how long now? It just feels empty without Shantae across the hall. I am sure all of my roommates think I am psychotic, but I can't help it. Things just seem better with my cat and my bed at home.

It doesn't help that my room at school is super hot. I don't even understand why my room has to be ten degrees warmer than the rest of the apartment. I get so hot at night. But when I open my window I freeze. And I have to listen to people outside all night. Some days I just can't handle the uncomfortableness of it all and I find myself in my car again... driving home.

No worries, though. I think I am just a little homesick because I am Shantae-sick... if that makes sense?

Anyway. I know I always promise this, but I am going to try and update this more. I love this blog and I have so many things I would love to talk about here. I just get side tracked.

Well, happy Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday! Yay!

Loves!

A Post From Bed

This is going to be a post from my Touch, as I am still in bed with my door closed and my light off pretending to be a sleep.

I am asking you to overlook all spelling and grammar errors that come with a handheld screen posting.

I apologize for slacking in my blogging. I feel like my life has been nothing but stress. Even Christmas break held an abnormal amount of stress for me. And now that the semester has started, stress seems to be pouring in from all corners of my life. It is overwhelming.

Today I channeled that stress at other people. I facebook stalked this morning to my heart's content, thinking mean thoughts about the people I was choosing to look at.

I looked at the jerk who hurt my sister. He seems to be so happy. I wanted to send him a nasty message outlining exactly how awful I think he is and telling him that I warned him not to hur her... I think that now he must pay.

I looked at a girl who is a lot younger than me but who is engaged. I know this shouldn't bother me, but she has always been kind of stuck up and her posts about how perfect her life was made me want to scream. My life is so far from perfect. It is good, yes. I recognize all o have. But I do want more. I don't talk about it much, but I want to get married. I want to start a family and move into the next stage of my life. I know I'm graduating, but somedays it seems so... uneventful. Almost old news. Everyone gets excited for people getting married. Why does no one seem to care about the hours I put in to get my degree?

I looked through friends pictures and compared myself to them. "They are so skinny compared to me," I said. "They are so beautiful." I wanted each of their lives. It didn't seem fair that o was given the life I have and today I let myself be bitter.

And then I sunk even lower as I remembered that my sister, my very best friend, will be gone in less than two weeks. I let the anguish over that overwhelm my senses. My best friend is leaving and I feel like we aren't close friends anymore and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Eighteen months is a long time. And right now, I feel like she is more worried about getting things with her missionary in line than with making sure we're ok. It's ok, though. As long as she's happy. I love her.

And that's where my bitterness kind of washed away. I stopped thinking about everyone else and listened to my cat snore at the foot of the bed.

I have a life. How lucky I am for that? I have a family who loves me And friends who care abou me. I love my cat and my teddy bear and I am graduating in a few months, despite EVERYTHING I have gone through. I have a bffff who would do anything for me and a mother who supports me in everything. Honestly, I don't want for anything. Not really. I am grateful for everything that I have. Including the bad things. Without those, I would have no idea how great my life is now.

And honestly. I think I am happier than most people because of that. :)

Oh silly Blog.

I come to you to complain and you inevitably make me feel better.

I need to blog more.

Life is good.