Today

It's one of those days. 

A day where I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart is going to burst from the pain permeating my chest. 

It's a day where the old scars don't feel much like scars, but still open, festering wounds. Today it feels like there is blood pooling under my rib cage. I don't know why it aches so desperately, but today is one of those days. 

A day where I wonder how I can possibly make it through to tomorrow, and why in the H. E. double hockey sticks I can feel this soul wrenching anguish when the only thing I ever did wrong was love. I'm beginning to believe that is the ultimate sin--loving to much. 

Woe unto the one who gives so totally and completely of his heart for surely it shall be wrenched from him, leaving him in anguish and total hell. Woe unto the lover for he shall be cast down into a loveless world. 

It's probably a good thing I am not in charge of writing scriptures. I fear they would be full of self contempt and sorrow. What good could possibly come from that?

I am sorry to ramble on. Pain, anguish. Sorrow, contempt. You do not come here to witness my pity party. Neither do I purposely inflict you with one. But dear blog, I am in so much pain right now and I did not know where else to turn. I feel like my life is one giant mistake that I will forever be punished for. I guess today I can't see the light. 

Actually, I haven't been able to see the light very much lately and it scares me. I want to be free of this self inflicted bondage and the turmoil that comes with self mutilation and self loathing, but I can't seem to look past my faults and reconize that there is a daughter of God worthy of incredible happiness locked deep inside. Today I don't even know if God believes that's true. 

Why else would a kind loving Father in heaven ignore his child's heartfelt pleadings? Today I soaked my carpet with my tears and allowed my pain to escape my throat. Maybe I couldn't hear God because of my sobs. Or maybe not. Maybe I really am unworthy of blessings and happiness and freedom from the pain of an abusive relationship. Maybe I need to learn more from that situation. 

Or maybe not. 

Can you hear me?

Please. 

Today it's one of those days. You've had them, too. You just want to sink into the carpet and cease to exist. Just for one or two days. Today my eyes just can't seem to stop leaking. 

I probably shouldn't have put makeup on today. Or clothes. My pajamas handle tears better than this white shirt. 

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even got out of bed this morning. 

Dear Heart: Please stop aching. For me? 

Please?

It's one of those days. 

Yep. 

I think I need a hug.