Merry (NOT) Christmas

When I was dating HIM, I won a computer.

It was a used computer that had previously been used in a USU computer lab, but it was still in good condition.

I had my laptop, and since I didn't need the computer very much, I lent it to HIM.

At this point in time, we were very much planning on getting married. I didn't feel it was a big deal to let him use it until we could have it in our home together. We piled all of our music and pictures onto the computer with the understanding that we would store both of our things on my new (used) computer.

When we broke up, I got the computer back.

I haven't turned it on until today.

I got a iPod Touch for Christmas and, when I went to our home computer to gather music, I found that all of the music (except for my brother's) had been deleted from the computer. While trying to figure out how to get music from my old iPod to my new one, I realized something.

All of my music is on MY computer that I lent HIM!

Hooray!!

And all of my picture are there too!!! I haven't seen them in FOREVER!!

That happiness was fleeting, however, when I turned on my computer today.

EVERYTHING has been deleted from it. All of the pictures, documents, etc. Everything. Except for the music.

I should be greatful for that tender mercy, as I am about to start compiling new music onto my iPod.

But I can't seem to be happy about that.

I cried today as I searched for the pictures. Pictures I don't have anywhere else.

Pictures I will probably never see again.

Pictures of US... pictures of my family... pictures I had taken.

Those pictures meant a lot to me.

Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean I want to forget that the releationship happened. It was a huge part of my life. Each of those pictures was a story of moments we shared. I am sick to my stomach to think they are gone.

I don't even know what to do next.

Except for cry.

Because even though crying doesn't accomplish anything, the pain and hurt are so deeply embedded right now, that I don't know how else to release it.

Merry Christmas, Shirrel.

This year, you get the gift of loss.

A loss of irreplaceable pictures.

And a loss of even more trust in HIM.

I never imagined he could still hurt me so deeply, months after we said goodbye.

I feel so stupid.

My heart is telling me something that my head was trying to convince me of ages ago.

I should never have trusted HIM with something so priceless in the first place.

I hate myself.

I can't help crying over that too.

Happy Holidays everyone.

I will blog happier Christmas related thoughts when my heart isn't so shattered.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season.

As Christmas if quickly approaching, I wanted to give advice... both to you and to myself.

Stop. Remember what this season is all about. Spend time with those you love. Give your mom a hug.

Be joyful. Happy. Peaceful.

Don't let the season pass by without you taking the time to enjoy it.

Most importantly...

Smile.

Post Script

I thought I should be a little less vague in my debate about keeping the blog or not.

THIS place has been a release for me and I have started to feel better through the words I have written here. The sentences seem to flow from my finger tips when I turn on my computer to blog.

It is different than a journal because I feel like I am blogging with a purpose.

I decided to blog, rather than keep a journal, because I wanted to document my progress to the cyber world so others who are struggling can possibly find some help and comfort.

And I hoped that I would find that same help and comfort, both from MY words, as well the words of those who would hopefully comment on my blog.

I didn't want to include my name in the blog, because I haven't felt that this was about my identity.... My name has no importance to this blog or the struggles I have. I didn't want people to follow my blog because they knew who I was... rather, I wanted them to follow it because they knew what I was representing.

If I wanted a following of MY friends and family, this blog would have had my name in it somewhere.

ALSO, I have never wanted this blog to be a place where I come to talk about all of the things HE has done. This blog isn't about HIM, although a lot of what I am struggling with are directly related to him.

Lately, I have started to worry that the few people who read this blog aren't seeing this blog for what it is.

NOT a vent session on my life.

BUT a discussion (mostly with myself) about how to put one foot in front of the other and continue forward with me life.

I talk about the triumphs and the failures.

This blog isn't about anyone or anything other than ME and MY ups and downs of life.

I want to reiterate that.

I almost shut the blog down today because a person I have evaded to in a few of my posts confronted me about the posts... worried that they were being portrayed in a bad light.

I assured this person that the blog wasn't about them. AND that I was posting anonymously for a reason.

I don't post with my name. I have no links to this blog anywhere that is associated with me. AND I don't give out the link to this blog to people I know.

After this confrontation, I worried about the integrity of my blog.

Had it lost all anonymity? Here I thought I had kept it a secret, and this person had found out about it.

After much soul searching today, I realized that I need this forum in my life.

I need my anonymous friends and supporters.

I need my blank canvas and keyboard.

And I need the "Publish Post" button, so I can send these words out to the cyber world and hopefully touch a life.

Especially because each and every one of these words is touching MY life.

After a day of vacillating back and forth, I realized that I can't shut down such a medicinal part of my life.

So blog world, thank-you for accepting me and allowing me to leave my mark on the Internet.

Thank-you for allowing me to keep my anonymity.

AND thank-you for recognizing that this blog isn't about the things that have been done to me, or the hurts caused...

Rather, this blog is about how I have dealt with the pain and the struggles.

This blog is about ME: Just A Nobody.

Goodbye?

I may be shutting down this blog.

I was stupid to think that talking about my struggles was a good idea.

Seriously.

I was wrong.

I am sorry.

I haven't decided yet.

BUT it is a definite possibility.

HIM Resurrected?

Today it happened again.

Well, actually yesterday... but I didn't find out until this afternoon.

Yep, that's right.

I got an email from HIM.

"Please come back. Please come see me. Please I have made a mistake and I know you think you have lost your best friend but you haven't. And I know you think you would be making a mistake with me and I'm sorry for that. Please just call me. Please."

My stomach dropped as I read this. My anxiety levels rose instantly.

I LOATHE what he does to me!! LOATHE!!

I have been doing so much better. I have let him go, realizing that if he wanted me he would act like it. He hadn't spoken to me since our last Sunday night talk where I told him if he didn't answer my questions on Monday, then he could expect to never see me again.

But then he emails me and it throws me.

My hearts starts beating rapidly and suddenly I feel nauseous.

How is it that after 3 months of NOT being with him, HE still has that power over me?

My chest hurts.

My hands are clammy.

I wish I could delete him and block him from my email accounts.

Unfortunately, I don't know if that is even possible.

We were so much a part of each other... this breakup has been hard.

It is hard to de-tangle ourselves from each other... and figure out where one of us begins and the other one ends.

For instance, I found a bunch of his Cd's in my room in a drawer the other day. It was totally shocking, because I had never seen him put the Cd's there. He must have done it when he surprised me by rearranging my room, months ago. I couldn't believe it. I can't seem to escape him completely.

He is still everywhere.

He still lingers.

It is so hard.

Today's email was just another reminder that he isn't completely gone from my life.

My sister's relationship just adds more pain to this whole mix. NOW is the time where I really need someone. I need to NOT be alone anymore. I need to be able to double date with her, hold the hand of my guy while she is holding her guy's hand, and have someone I can talk to.

I should go back to him.

I won't though.

It hurts too badly.

HE hurts me too badly.

Regardless of the fact that I am not contemplating restarting a relationship with him (although I do yearn for companionship) these constant reminders from HIM that he isn't going to leave my life without a fight are KILLING me. Because every time I hear from him, no matter how over him I thought I was, my mind opens up to the possibility of a relationship with him again.

And then I have to spend the next two days AFTER I hear from HIM convincing myself that I do NOT want him... and it is all in my head! Unfortunately, it often takes me days to get to the point of convincing myself I don't want him because he emails me for days at a time.

Don't email him back! my mind tells me.... YOU tell me...

But something inside my mind presses me to type a few misguided words and click the send button.

Then I am forced to check my email every few minutes after that until I hear from him.

Of course his email comes again.

THE nausea and chest pain inevitably follow suit. I tap out a quick response and the cycle begins again.

Often times I take to googling his name and picture while I wait for his reply.

After a few hours of this I am miserable.

MISERABLE.

WHY???

I thought I was past this. I thought WE were past this. We weren't talking. I was better. I was happy.

But no.

He had to email me today.

Err... YESTERDAY.

Humph.

At least the emails are coming fewer and far between.

I CAN make it.

I have to keep telling myself that.

And I have to keep praying.

I pray daily that I can make it completely through this trial.

That I can find someone else.

That I will be completely happy again.

That I will stop being afraid.

And that ALL of this.... the pain caused by HIM...

...will be worth it.

Sigh of relief!

Today was my last day of work!

I am SOOO happy!!

I can't even imagine working one more day with Creepy.

So I am done.

:)

I think I know why Creepy FREAKED me out so much.

He reminded me a lot of HIM. Weird. They are nothing alike...

Maybe it is just guys in general.

My sister, College Girl, (you can find a link to her blog on the side of this blog) told me yesterday that I am bound to end up with a good guy next because of all the creepy, terrible experiences I have had with HORRIBLE guys.

I promise, I will fill you in on more of these experiences later.

Some of them are even funny.

Bet you can't wait until I tell you about the blind date I went on where the guy proposed to me.

Awkward.

But I have to be fast because this isn't my computer.

So I will bid you all farewell and keep adding to my list of stories to tell you!

Until then, think happy Christmas thoughts!

Patience, friends!

My computer is sick. :(

So my posts, until it is fixed, will be fewer and more far between. I am sad... and sorry.

BUT my sister is home for Christmas break, so it only makes sense that I don't blog AS much.

Don't worry. I will be back. I promised you a story last I posted, and I will make sure you hear (read) it!

Just be patient.

And pray for my poor, sick computer!

Friends

I'm feeling really low today.

I have been doing a lot better lately.

But today, I needed someone to talk to. Someone apart from my family. Someone I could vent to and share my struggles... like I could with HIM.

Sure, when I had friends, I could use their shoulders to cry on. But friends (the TRUE kind that stand by your side) are very scarce lately. They have all moved on with their lives. It hurts to know that they aren't there anymore.

I had a close (used to be) friend tell me that a month or so ago.

We had been GREAT friends clear through junior high and high school. We considered ourselves best friends. I was with her through every one of her relationships. I was there when she was happy and didn't have much time for me due to her man... I was there when she was depressed because she had just broken up (or been broken up with.) I was her shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. Yes, she was there for me too, but not in the same way. I didn't date in high school. Not much. There is a reason why. I'll have to explain sometime.

In any case, I helped her through many hard times. She knew I was always there for her.

In January she got married. I was happy with her, as I assumed I would be following fairly quickly with my man. We all know that THAT didn't go as planned.

Oh well. I am glad that I managed to avoid making that mistake.

Nevertheless, after it happened, I was a wreck. I wasn't ok and I needed a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I had my family. But as any best friend will tell you, having a best friend is different. I tried to turn to her on some particularly hard days, but she never seemed to have the time for me. I tried to tell myself it wasn't that big of a deal. But it was.

I felt like she was self absorbed and caught up in her own life. I wasn't asking for her to be what I was to her. I knew she didn't have time for that... but the phone works both ways. I was asking for her to care enough about me to check up on me occasionally.

I wanted her to be my friend, like I was her friend.

When I began feeling that the only reason we had remained friends is because of me and my efforts to keep in touch (although we vowed we would stay friends forever. Whatever. I shouldn't have believed that) I tried to talk to her about it.

I told her that I had been with her through thick and thin in high school. Even in college. I had been a true friend. And every time she had been hurt, she could turn to me.

"I wish we were still in high school so I could turn to you," I told her.

"I'm married now," was all she said.

The conversation pretty much ended after that.

My friend had stopped being my friend because she had found a husband.

I haven't talked to her sense. I haven't even tried. I don't think she has any real desire to be my friend, although I am sure in her head she still considers me a friend. She just doesn't want the best friends through thick and thin status anymore. If she did, she would text me occasionally... facebook me... even email me. I am not hard to contact.

But she hasn't.

It hurts.

I lost HIM... my best friend... and HER... another best friend... all in the space of a few months.

Today I found out that my sister has a boyfriend. That is where the depression today really started. She already hasn't had much time for me because of him. Now that they are "official" I am definitely out of her priority picture. Another best friend bites the dust. When I found out I went to my phone to call someone to cry to...

Couldn't cry to HIM... couldn't cry to HER... Couldn't cry to the sister.

Now what?

I'm just so low today. So depressed.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Except you.

Dear Blog,

You are my one true friend. You are the only one who cares. I wish you had arms. I need a hug.

Love,

Me

Time may change me, but I can't change time

I have pondered a lot these past few weeks this: If I knew THEN what I know NOW, would I be where I am today?

Part of me wants to think, "NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!"

But there is a quieter, smarter part of me that whispers, "would you change who you are now for who you were then?"

No.

I don't think I would.

Granted, I have a lot of pain, fear, anger... things that I need to work through...

But those are just things. Things. They aren't me. They are things that I was taught to feel these past months. And with time, I can overcome them.

The person who I am, on the other hand.

She isn't who I was before this happened.

AND she is a better person that who I once was.

I learned a lot about myself because of the pain.

I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I have control of things that I didn't think I had control of.

I am more mature than I was at the beginning of this. When I met HIM, I was a shy, naive girl.

I have said those words multiple times before, but I can't help it.

Looking back at her and what her views of the world were, I want to smack her.

"YOU have no idea," I would tell her.

"YOU THINK you know EVERYTHING!"

I would tell her that she is selfish. She thinks about herself and how to make herself happy more than she thinks about others.

I would tell her that she needed to stop caring so much about what other people think.

I would tell her to be more confident.

I wasn't confident. I wasn't strong... not in the way I should have been.

I had convictions, and I stood up for myself.

But not the way I do now.

I'm a different person than that girl who stumbled into HIS life almost exactly 2 years ago.

It is still hard. I am still growing and trying to be happier. But those are just THINGS.

ME?

I am a better person than I was before this happened. The PAIN... the ANGUISH... the FEAR..? WERE they worth it?

SERIOUSLY?

yes.

If I knew then what I know now, would I be where I am today?

no. Honestly... I don't think I would have taken on that challenge.

I would have done things differently. Easier.

BUT I never would have known the person who I could have been... the person I am still trying and working hard to become.

I would have missed out.

I'm glad I didn't know then.

As hard as it was (and is), I think it this challenge has its silver lining.

You Don't Know ME

I feel like a leper.

It is hard not too. When people find out about my abusive relationship, they treat me differently. I feel like they are looking down on me. They act like somehow I deserve it.... because I put up with it.

Today I went to lunch with an old friend... someone who I met before I started dating HIM. I told her that no one really understands... and I feel like it is my fault all of this happened because I started dating him.

Her response?

Silence.

I KNOW that I started dating him... BUT it isn't as black and white as everyone seems to think it is.

First of all, it didn't start out as an abusive relationship.

The abuse started months into the relationship. For us, it was after we had started planning a future together.

And then when it starts, you don't even realize it is happening.

People don't realize that abuse starts off subtly. For heavens sake, I am not an idiot. If he had just slapped me one day out of the blue, I would have left! But the small, subtle acts sometimes don't even register. You come up with excuses for the things that make you uncomfortable and hurt your feelings... and then HE always smooths things over and makes it seem like it wasn't anything at all.

Love is sometimes blind... especially when the person who is blinding you is so good at acting.

By the time you realize that it isn't all in your head and that it is very much out of hands, you are trapped.

TRAPPED.

But people don't realize it. They assume that abuse starts off strong from the beginning and only weak women stay in these relationships. In their heads, weak women seek out abusive men.

I suppose that sometimes this is the case.

But for me it wasn't.

I didn't look for that. In fact, we talked about abuse when we first started dating. He knew I was scared of it and wouldn't put up with it at all. But like I said before, abuse doesn't start in the form of abuse.

I wasn't weak either. I stood up for myself. But as anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you, it is hard to stand up to someone who is twice your size.

By the time you realize that you need to leave, you are scared. Scared because of all of the things he has been telling you for months... things that you couldn't help but start to believe.

Things like: "If you were better, this wouldn't have happened." And, "You are lucky to be with me, no other man would put up with all of the stuff I put up with because of you."

But people don't realize that. People with perfect relationships don't understand what THIS is like and how THIS happens.

I wish they did, because I am not a leper. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, at the beginning of it all, I felt like I was doing the RIGHT thing. If I didn't have such a strong feeling that I was where I needed to be, I wouldn't have stayed. But people don't realize this.

This is another facet of the pain I have been going through because of this relationship. The fact that nobody understands. It is hard to be lonely for HIM. But I am getting over that.

Being lonely for some comfort and understanding from people who I used to be close to... THAT is something that is overwhelmingly difficult.... something I don't know how to get over.

I guess this is just another side effect of that relationship.

I really wish the healing process was easier...

My heart yearns for empathy and understanding, although I have stopped expecting it. I don't talk about the relationship, as much as possible, for that reason. Well, except for here. THIS blog helps me so much. You have no idea what it is like to sort out the twisted thoughts that are bouncing around in your head.

Today I just wish the blog could talk back and give me the support and acceptance I have been looking for... but haven't found.

On days like today, I feel like it would be better to be a leper.

Side Effects

I shudder at who I have become.

I am scared.

Yesterday my brother hurt my feelings. I lost my temper. Rather than telling him I was angry and trying to resolve the problem, I did what I learned to do from my relationship. I fled.

I ran out of the room, hot tears of anger flowing down my face. I threw the items I was carrying on the floor of the room my mom was sitting in as I sped to my room. She, of course, followed me.

It all happened so fast, her running to catch up to me, that I flinched when she grabbed my arm to find out what was wrong.

"Please don't hit me," I sad as I turned my head.

"HIT you?" She said, shocked. "When have I EVER hit you?"

She was right. She has never hit me.

I couldn't believe myself: the flinching, the fear. I still can't believe it!

What has happened to me? What did he do to me? I run from my brother. I am scared of my mother!

I have been trying so hard to get over him and to stop loving him... but this is so much bigger than all of that. I need to get over all that he has done to me, too. I think THAT is going to be so much harder.

I don't want to be terrified. But I am.

I hate me. I hate me!

I should hate him. But I can't.

I forgive him for creating me. I forgive him for treating me so horribly.

But I can't forgive myself .

I can't forgive myself for becoming this battered woman.

I'm. Moving. On.

I made my decision.

Six o'clock came and went yesterday.

And I stuck to what I knew (and know) to be right in my heart.

I think it is over.

On Sunday night he told me that if I didn't see him on Monday then I would never talk to him again. At first I was freaked. How could I do that? I wanted him, didn't I? I had planned on marrying him, and maybe if I held on then we could get back together.

But he was different on Sunday night. He wasn't the same person I had fallen in love with. I wasn't attracted to him... I no longer felt the love for him that I had felt the day he left. He said things that made me uncomfortable. He told me things about him that had changed, that I never thought would change.

But mostly, it was what he refused to tell me that freaked me out.

He told me that I needed to come back to him so I could save him.

"Save you?" I asked. "What do you need me to save you from."

"Myself," he said. Apparently he has been doing things that would give me nightmares. But he wouldn't tell me what. Try as I might, he wouldn't budge. He said if I loved him I would take all of him... problems and all.

I had taken his problems for nearly 2 years and helped him work through them. I had seen it all. Trust me. I had nightmares from the things he HAD told me. The fact that he wouldn't tell me what this was scared me to death. And it made me realize that my decision to stop contact with him was the best one.

I can't save him. Trust me. I tried for months. I worked me butt off. I endured months of abuse, name calling, yelling, swearing, pain, and anguish ALL in the NAME of saving him. But it NEVER worked. HE never got better. It isn't my job to FIX him. I can't fix him. It took me over a year to figure this out.

Despite my revelation, I hadn't made up my mind.

I decided that I would sleep on it. And I told him that unless he told me what it was the he needed to be saved from, I wouldn't even consider seeing him again.

Six o'clock came and went and he never emailed me.

He still hasn't emailed me.

I think it is officially over. He didn't want me like he said he did. And I didn't want him the way he turned out to be. (Still don't, actually.)

I still love him. But the HIM I met 2 years ago.

Two years ago when I was young, naive, and very innocent.

The older, wiser, less innocent, and more time hardened ME doesn't love the person he has become. Time has taught me a lot. I am a different person than when I started this whole journey.

I am grateful. I learned a lot about myself. I'm still learning. I am still finding inner strength that I never knew I had.

I hope that one day another man will see my strength and want that in his life forever.

Six o'clock came and went yesterday. I didn't talk to him. He didn't talk to me. The world didn't end.

BUT in those few minutes, I took a GIANT leap in being completely over HIM.

Bring it on, WORLD. Bring. It. On.

The end...?

If I want HIM back, I need to go to him by 6 p.m. tonight.

He'll be home all day.

He won't tell me the truth.

I don't trust him.

But I am extremely lonely.

I feel like my heart is going to give out due to the pain.

I don't know what to do.

And yet I know exactly what to do.

I really would rather die than be here right now.

Today

My life feels very stuck.

Empty.

Isn't it interesting how we all have to face different trials on this earth?

And how another person's trial can seem so easy compared to the one you are going through?

I am sure they don't feel like their trial is a cake walk.

Still...

I am not trying to sound bitter or angry.

I'm not.

I'm just confused...

Lost.

Lonely.

And not sure how to fix it.

I finally did it...

I'm really shaky as I write this post.

I deleted HIM as a friend on facebook.

I also blocked his number.

It is really hard because I really wanted to know what was going on with him all the time. I checked his facebook account multiple times a day. I always wanted to know what he was thinking and what girls were talking to him.

It was hardly healthy.

Three days ago I started talking to him again... I mean really talking to him. We texted quite a lot for 2 days straight. It just made me feel worse. He (although he said otherwise) had appeared to have moved on. He had a new group of friends, new girls that he could ask out, and new found happiness.

It was hard to hear.

Then he said that I needed to either go back with him or move on because it was killing him.

I told him that if he actually acted like he wanted me back, maybe I would come back.

He never responded to this.

And then I started thinking.

He never responds to that when I say it. I told him that I felt like he had already moved on and was just trying to convince me otherwise.

He never responded to this either.

Today when I got onto facebook his status was something full of happiness with nothing to do with me.

Although I don't really want him back, I was holding on. I didn't want him to find happiness because I haven't found that happiness yet. I wanted to be the only way he would be happy. I know that is selfish, but he always told me that I was his only joy.

He was always saying that I was the only one he could ever love and that he would never be able to live without me. He said he was never happier than when he was with me.

Clearly I should have realized that those were all lines.

Otherwise his actions would have been a thousand times different.

In any case, this morning when I woke up and did the traditional check of his facebook, I realized that I cannot do this to myself anymore.

I need to move on.

I don't want him back.

And I really don't want to text him anymore because all he does is swear at me, chew me out, and blame me for all of his problems.

Now I need to stop thinking about him and worrying that he is happier than I am. Because none of that matters.

I need to start thinking about myself and how to make myself a better and happier person. And I need to stop thinking that he is the only one for me. Now I can't think that way. He doesn't exist anymore in my world.

I am starting to shake less as I ramble about my feelings.

It is still really hard to take... the fact that I really did it.

It makes me want to laugh and cry all in the same breath.

I am hoping that since I took the final step I can find happiness and contentment again. I hope that this final act of letting go will open a door to new friends, new opportunities, and a new relationship.

I just hope that this means it is finally going to get easier. Not harder because I can't do my customary check-ups.

So wish me and my shaky hands good luck.

I will keep you posted.

Dear World,

I am so confused about how to survive here.

It is very painful.

I hurt.

And I am lost.

I guess I know what direction I am supposed to go. I know where it is I want to end up. But I don't know how to do it.

I keep praying that it will get easier and that I'll figure everything out.

But I am not so sure anyone is listening to me.

I need to go to Disneyland.

Everything is better in Disneyland.

Maybe then I could figure it out.

World, I just don't know anymore. I need help.

Is there anyone out there who is listening...

Or who even cares?

Please let me know.

Love,

Just A Nobody

It was a bad night...

Last night he told me to "grow some balls and come back."

Last night I wanted to come back.

Back to him.

Back to us.

Back to relationship.

I miss it.

I still want it back.

I still want him back.

I cry a lot on days like this.

Because I don't know how to stop the pain.

Or the loneliness.

I can't make it better.

I can't forget the good times.

I can't stop loving him.

Why doesn't anyone understand?

Happy?

It is really hard to admit this, because I told everyone else that I wouldn't be happier being away from him.

I said I would loathe being alone.

I said that I needed to be with him.

While I DO hate being alone...

I don't NEED to be with him to be happy.

In fact, it is easier to be happy now that I am not getting in trouble for everything I do or don't do.

I still cry a lot. But that doesn't mean that overall I am not happy.

It just means that I want to overcome this and the feelings he created.

And I want to prove to him that another man will love me and want me. Sometimes I still doubt that.

Yes I am lonely and sad that this had to happen... that this all played out this way.

I'm sad that it still hurts.

But I am happy that I made it through with my wonderful family by my side.

I'm happy that it is getting easier...

It is hurting less.

Now....

If I could just get past this completely and find the man HE says I can never get.

Then I think things would be perfect!