More to come...

I want you to know that I have frostbite.

From wearing slippers in the snow for an extended period of time.

Because I had no choice.

I hope your interest in piqued.

Because I plan on telling you the whole story.

Later.

When I am not so tired.

From walking (basically barefoot) in the snow.

Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

Yes.

I am in fact locked in my room.

And no.

I am not in here because of homework.

I just want to be left alone.

Do you ever get like that? Anxious/stressed to the point of self-destruction? Clearly not suicidal. Just...."I want to pull my own hair out"-type destruction. That's how I am right now. And I am fairly positive fellow suitemates would not understand.

I think if I could wish for anything in this world, it would be universal understanding. I think THAT is the key to world peace. And probably every other problem that exists out there.

(Well, maybe not my not having a new car. But I suppose nothing but a job would solve that for me.)

In any case. I put on my happy face this morning and set out to conquer the world with new resolve. I think my happy face fell off somewhere along the way to class, though. And that new resolve? I haven't even taken it out of the package. My old resolve... tattered and torn... I'm clinging to that for now.

And that is why I am here.

In my room.

Anxious.

My resolve to be happy has wained. My desire to prove to everyone that I am strong is nonexistent. I just want to curl up on my bed and have everyone leave me alone.

I don't think they understand that sometimes my past still hurts me. And I am living with anxieties because of that. When people ask me to do things that I don't seem happy to do, they assume it's because of laziness. Or maybe that I am antisocial. I wish they understood the complexities that surround my avoidance. I wish they understood me.

But alas.

Remember that resolve and happy face I carry with me so diligently? They cover up any sign that I would want to be understood. And I definitely do not want attention. Especially in that regard. So I will continue smiling and being positive and convincing people that I am always OK. Even though I am not.

Like right now.

And during those times when I am failing and people think I am just being snotty, I will hide in my room. Eat some chocolate. Possibly take a nap. And remember that they don't understand. And that's OK, too.

Because I need to find my resolve again.

And my happy face.

Thank-YOU

I cannot believe the overwhelming traffic I received to my blog since sharing it on facebook.

The hits to my blog skyrocketed. It was astounding.

I also cannot believe how many kind and amazing people genuinely care and let me know they were thinking of me. How therapeutic this was! How nice it was to get such a warm response from people I didn't even realize cared!

I almost wish I would have done this earlier.

My suite-mates were especially kind. They knew a little about my past, but none of them realized the extent of that relationship. They wanted to know more and told me that I should write a book about the experience. I was so worried about what people would think, but they soothed any fears I might have had. What did I deserve to have such amazing roommates?

This blog has been my sounding board. It has given me a place to go where I could share my deepest fears and my darkest moments. The past few days I have realized that perhaps I WILL touch somebody's life because of this.

Regardless, this blog has changed my life. And the people who I have talked to because of it. Thank-you. I just can't get over the fact that there is such overwhelming support out there. I wish I could hug everyone individually.

I also want to change up the blog a little more. I started out super anonymous. I would love to bring in some pictures and stories about me and my life. So here is to the future. I plan to keep writing. Especially about the hard times. But I am excited to be more open about me and my life beyond that painful time.

Starting with a few pictures here and there.

Speaking of pictures, don't judge today's too harshly. :) It has nothing to do with anything. Just one of my many adventures of late. 

It's Facebook Official

For those of you who are long-time followers of my blog (all three of you) I wanted to tell you my good news.

I got brave and put a link to my blog on my facebook page.

For those of you who are new. Please. Go back to the beginning of my blog and realize why this is so huge. Then you can continue reading this post as I explain more fully the reason I am proud of myself.

When I started this blog, it was to discuss the roller-coaster emotions associated with the demise of a terrible, abusive relationship. The fact that HE continued to text/email/facebook me. The pain associated with the swearing and belittling. And then the joys at the progress I had made. This blog has been my place to delve into emotions I did not want to talk about anywhere else.

Until HE found out about my blog. And started reading it. I almost deleted the blog after an email he sent me that really rattled me. I didn't, though, because I have never (nor will ever) mentioned his name. What right did he have to control my blog. It isn't my fault he recognized himself in reading my blog posts. Why would I shut it down? This blog was never about him. It was about me and my progress.

I still refused to broadcast the blog, though.

But in light of recent events, I feel totally and 100 percent justified in opening my life to other friends. I have linked my blog. Now other people can know about me and my experiences. And maybe, other people can relate. It is a horrible thing to relate to, and I pray that not many have suffered through similar situations. But if you have, especially if you are CURRENTLY living it, realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's a hard, hard road, but it does get easier.

I don't want to lie and say I have made it to the end of my hard road. I still have moments. But I am slowly peeling away the layers of pain and fear and moving past them. It's not always easy. Like when my guy friend tried to give me a hug in the car and I, without even thinking, said "don't hurt me." Poor Joshie. But at least he knows enough to not be offended by that.

Honestly, opening up my blog to the world and saying, "hey, this is me" is hard. I am not ashamed of my past. But it is hard when people don't understand. They sometimes say things that sting a little.But I think I need to work through that, too. Because people are generally kind and concerned. The few that aren't just don't understand.

So there you go. Thank-you to those of you who have stuck by me throughout my journey. Thanks for your kind words and your thoughtfulness. And thank-you for being here when I start my newest journey.

Answers

Today I offer you advice.

If you don't REALLY want to know something, then don't ask.

I cannot count the number of times my curiosity has gotten me in trouble. I think I want to know something. I think I really want to know. And then I find out what I wanted to know and I realize that I did not in fact want to know.

How many times has this happened in my life?

Too many times to count.

This morning I am deciding that I never want to know the answer to anything ever again. Ignorance is bliss. What I don't know can't hurt me. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Alright, so that last one was a bit much. But you get the idea. I have resigned myself from knowing things. And from answering questions. Unless it has to do with school work and my grade. Everything else in life is useless and unimportant.