A Look Toward Tomorrow

Today I woke up to a severe "chewing out."

Colorful language decorated the text messages that had been sent to my phone.

You would think that time would lessen the shock these verbal beatings cause me.

But time hasn't. In fact, the time spent apart from the ex has actually softened me to them. We've been apart for 3 months now, I don't understand why he is still hurting me.

There was a time, when I was deeply embedded in the middle of the catastrophic mess called our relationship, that I actually began thinking in the language that was part of HIS everyday speech. While I never used the words, they were used on me so much, and with so much anger, it wasn't hard to imagine what I would say back to him if I didn't loathe the words to much.

It also was hard not to visualize the words. It got to the point where everything he said became the undeniable truth to me. I didn't believe people when they told me he was wrong.

It is still hard to believe he is wrong.

But I am getting better.

Better. What a word! I can't wait until the day where I don't see those words and associate them with me. For the longest time after he broke up with me I felt that my world was over. If I were all of THOSE things, then surely no other man would want me.

Because of this, when we broke up I thought I had lost my future. Suddenly the world was black and white. White: we were together and I had a plan. Black: I was alone and wasting away until my death.

It doesn't make sense, I know, but those words after such a long period of time mess with your mind.

I wish I was strong enough to have withstood all of that... and stood up for myself.

But I am not the confrontational type.

And I firmly believe that you become your actions. I acted the part; I became what he said. I lessened (well, I thought I lessened) the pain.

I long for the day when there are no more nasty words aimed at me. And I am no longer in trouble for everything. My heart, though healing, yearns for the moment when it is not only stronger for going through all of this, but happy again because this part of my life is officially over.

I have been struggling with deleting him from my facebook and phone, to the point where he can no longer find me or contact me. But I feel that I need to be 100% ready to do that. I need to be at a place where I am not going to look back and wonder.

I think I am getting to that point. I don't believe his words anymore, even though they're still very cutting.

And I am partially grateful for it.

As I heal, each hurtful comment, each terrible word, pushes me to be that much stronger. I want to prove him wrong and be the person I have always KNOWN I am. Not the person HE created.

And with each disgusting, degrading text message, I get that much closer to being at the point I have been working towards; the point where I can delete him, block him, and move on, with no regrets.

So yes, today I woke up to terrible words.

It was still painful.

But I am ENDING today stronger.

Because tomorrow is a new day. It isn't black or white. It is full of color.

And it is my day to do whatever I want with.

Not his.

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Blog World,

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of family, friends, and good food.

I hope you all found many things to be grateful for.

As for me...

I am grateful for my wonderful supportive family.

I am grateful for my cat.

I am grateful for my books.

I am grateful I have a loving Father in heaven who loves me.

I am grateful for so many more things.

But mostly...

I am grateful that I am where I am today, not in an abusive relationship, not being hurt.

I am grateful to be gaining self esteem with the help of all the people I love.

To you, I wish you the best holiday season, full of happiness and joy!

And I wish for you the strength and courage to do whatever you need to do to get there.

After all, now begins the season where we celebrate Him... the baby who was born to save us all.

Love you all!

Love,

Me. :)

Moving On

I have been having a hard time letting go of him.

And in order for me to move on (I mean, REALLY move on), I have to let go.

I keep thinking that eventually things will work out.

But then I think about everything that has happened and I know that I don't want everything to work out.

He doesn't talk to me much anymore.

And when he does it is only really, really mean things. I keep hoping that we will be able to stay friends, but I don't know if that is possible.

Everyone says I just need to delete him as a friend on facebook and block his number.

This scares me.

He has been a part of my life for forever (well, it seems that way).

But HOW am I EVER going to move on when I can't seem to stop looking at his facebook and checking my phone to see if he has texted me.

I know it is stupid! He said he wanted me back and I could go back to him if I really wanted to...

But I don't want to.

He treated me terribly.

He hurt me.

So I should just let go and forget him.

But it isn't that simple.

WHY isn't it that simple?

Sorry that this post is so jumbled and full of my venting, but I am really struggling. I am trying to move on, look toward the future, and never look back... but I am having a hard time of letting go of the past. THAT was my LIFE.

I feel like without THAT and HIM.... I HAVE no life.

I think that is the reason I can't let go.

And that is the reason I can't move on.

Hard to Admit...

This post is going to be a hard one for me to write.

Because I will be admitting that I stayed in a relationship with someone who destroyed parts of me.

And not only did I stay with him. I defended him. I accepted the fact that it was all my fault and that I deserved everything I got.

When we began dating, everything was wonderful. But after a few months, things started getting sour. We started to fight more and more. But I ignored it. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I thought disagreements came with the territory.

I guess disagreements do... What happened with us.... shouldn't have.

I am a very stubborn person. But I hate yelling and swearing. When I was little my dad used to lose his temper a lot (now he is a big old softy, and I haven't heard him raise his voice in years) so I developed a fear of it.

When someone starts yelling at me, I shut down. I stop talking, looking at the person yelling, and I start apologizing profusely.

I don't know when it started, but I turned into my guy's punching bag.

If I said or did the wrong thing, he would yell and scream... swear... call me names. He had lists of things I was doing wrong. And no matter how I tried to change for him, I could never be good enough to make the anger stop.

He didn't like my family to be around when he lost his temper, so he would take me for long drives where he would rip me apart. I had to sit and listen because I had no where to go.

Just talking about this makes me cry.

What makes this so hard, is that he never thought he was doing anything wrong.

He would say things like, "I had a bad day at work, you should be understanding."

"You are pushing my buttons on purpose."

"You want to make me mad."

I never did anything to defend myself, which made him mad a lot of times. But after my childhood experiences, arguing back was extremely difficult for me. So I just sat and took it.

There were 3 times I did fight back, however.

He said something really rude about my mom. I slapped him. I could have cared less what he said about me, but how dare he say anything about her.

He started horrible things about me and a date I was planning to surprise him. It was after a long day of abuse and I was mentally tired. I was trying to do nice things for him, but I still wasn't good enough. I dumped a 32 oz drink on him. We were in my car and he freaked. He pulled over and I tried to run away because I knew what was coming. Luckily some people drove by and saw what was going on. They kept asking if I was ok and asking if I wanted them to call the cops. I should have said yes, but he kept telling them that I was mentally disabled and he was the only one who knew how to deal with me. Ouch. We almost broke up that night. Now I wish we did.

Last, after he called me stupid in front of my entire extended family on a vacation I had invited him to. I was hurt and ran into my room. Of course he followed me, yelling and screaming about how I made him look bad. I pushed him.

I feel terrible for these 3 things. It shows how immature I was (and can be). But sometimes it was hard to take everything in he was saying about me and believe it.

Now I can see the toll those 20 some odd months played on me.

I am not the same person I was when I met him. I am not the naive little girl who thought so highly of herself.

I feel ruined. I don't trust myself. I don't like myself. And even though I know it isn't true, I feel like all of this is my fault.

He used to say that he was the only person who would ever put up with me; that no one else would ever want to be in a relationship with me.

He told me regularly I was lucky because he wasn't like most men. He would put up with my issues.

As I write this, I worry that this was all in my head. But I know it isn't. He just had a way of making me think that everything was my fault. That he was perfect. And that I was the one with the problems.

It's really hard to write. It is really hard to not believe that is true.

I never thought I had issues until he came into my life. I didn't think I was such a bad person until I listened to him tell me that everyday... and it had to be true, right? Otherwise he wouldn't lose his temper with me on a daily basis.

It is really hard to post this because I feel like I have barely touched the surface on our relationship or the abuse. And I am scared of what you will think.

Because I know what I think about myself.

I just wish I could make sense of all of this and just forget it.

And I wish I didn't believe him.

Creepy, Creepy, Creepy

Today I am not in the mood to talk about my past. (Although I am having a pretty hard time with the fact that I am INCREDIBLY lonely!!)

Today I want to talk about the CREEPY guy who started working with me on Sunday. I worked today with him and today was worse than the first time we worked together! If it keeps getting worse, how am I going to survive?!

Let me back up. Creepy guy is 19 and is (according to everything I know about him) a dead beat. The first time we worked together he had no qualms about telling me that he had his drivers license revoked, was fired from his last job, and lost his virginity to a girl who ended up being a jerk.

I think if he were only annoying I could handle him... but I think he likes me!

I am hoping it is all in my head...

But he is SOOO HANDSY!!!

Today he bumped into me on purpose more times than I can count.

He put his hand on the small of my back whenever I stopped to talk to him.

He rubbed my shoulder and back.

He gave me hugs.

He would purposely touch my hand when I handed him something.

ALL THAT on top of the fact that he is always teasing me, giving me a hard time, etc.

What is it with guys? Do I have to spell it out to him that I am not interested in having anything with him at all.... EVER?! I want to say something, but I am worried that his "feelings" for me are all in my head and he is just being nice.

I need to become a nun. As of right now I am so fed up with guys and my life, maybe a religious change would be good for me.

My Other Blog

I used to have another life.

It came in the form of a relationship.

I documented a good portion of this life in another blog.

The blog was created by my boyfriend of the time when we were planning on getting married. We had been dating for over a year at that point. I had read friends' blogs and was thrilled that he would set up a blog for me.

I blogged religiously.

When we broke up, I deleted the blog (it was one of the first things I did.) I never thought I would see our smiling faces and my posts ever again. It was a bit disheartening for someone who blogged faithfully for nearly a year, but I didn't want to explain the circumstances surrounding our breakup...

And the blog was a part of us. We were over. It made no sense to keep it floating around in the cyber world for all to read. As sad as I was to rid the world of my blog, it upset me more to keep it around.

I never thought I would see it again.

Imagine my surprise when, in creating THIS blog, I discovered that for up to 90 days after a blog is deleted, you can UNdelete it.

Of course curiosity got the best of me. I undeleted the blog for 5 minutes and looked through the place that had become my pride and joy. Then I deleted it again. But I couldn't fathom letting it go 90 days to be completely lost to the cyber world, like it never happened at all.

Our relationship happened, didn't it? And despite the pain I still feel over those 21 months, it WAS a part of me.

So I undeleted the blog again, set it so only authors (ME) could log into it, and decided that I am going to save it to a disc or print off all the pages and then store it with all of the other relationship stuff I have floating around.

It still hurts that our relationship over. And it hurts that for some reason we can't be friends. I was planning on marrying him. I told him everything. We spent every second we could together. There was nothing I wanted more, save HIM and his HAPPINESS.

But in looking at the blog and thinking about our relationship, I realize it had to end. And though it is still very painful, it was painful being with him too.

Love shouldn't hurt. But it did.

I am still trying to understand that aspect of our relationship. The part where I wasn't treated like a daughter of God.

In bringing back the blog (for me), I realized that it wasn't the truth. It was a love story I created for the blogging world. While I loved him (I still do, for that matter), it wasn't a healthy relationship. And a lot of those posts were made to look like happiness when they were really laced with pain and anger. So many of the dates I posted about were not the happy, loving excursions I wanted the world to see.

I needed to read between the lines in that blog.... look at it with all of the honestly I had tried so hard to hide. Bringing the blog back helped me do that.

And it helped me realize that THAT is part of me that I cannot forget...

If I forget I may let it happen again.

AND, it reminded me why I started THIS blog. It is why I am posting anonymously and why I am talking about things I have never talked about before.

I started this blog so I could be honest. With my family. With the blog world. With ME.

This blog is going to be a learning experience, because I still have so much more I have to be honest about. An entire relationship's worth.

It feels like a lifetime of things.

Photo courtesy of mgitsolutions.com.

Welcome

I am welcoming myself to my new blog because, as I see it, I will most likely be the only one reading this.

For right now, I plan to blog anonymously. I am hoping that with time I can put a name and a face to this blog. I can't quite leave my solitude yet.

I guess I should introduce myself... even though it is very hard. I can't do details yet, but I will tell you who I am.

I am 22.

I am female.

I am attending a university.

I am majoring in journalism... and perhaps law.

I am quiet.

I am shy.

I am sarcastic.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I am lonely.

I am depressed.

I am an abuse survivor.

I am loving.

I am religious.

I am happy.

I am me.

As I said before, I don't plan on attracting many followers. This blog is more of a journal for me than for everyone else. But if YOU are actually reading this, I hope that through this blog, you can get to know me as I get to know myself.

Oh. And comments are always welcome.