5 Weeks Until Graduation

I am wasting time. You know--watching TV instead of reading for school.

So I decided I should update.

Last week I got my grad stuff. I can't believe I will be a college graduate in 5 weeks. I am pretty excited. I can't believe my hard work has actually paid off (well... not quite. I still have time to flunk out! haha)

As happy as graduating will be, I am most excited for the California trip I have planned. Josh and I were planning on leaving after graduation, but since my brother is graduating from high school this year as well, she wanted to know if we would mind combining the vacation with the family one. Luckily Josh is basically part of the family (my dad says hi to him before me, for heavens sake) so he didn't mind too much. Plus, he has never been to Disneyland before. What better way to be introduced to Disney magic, than to go with a family. :) Meanwhile, 5 Disney trips in 5 years. I AM sad that Hawaii over the summer didn't plan out, but brother wanted Disney. I was placated by the fact that Mom promised we would go over Christmas instead. (Brother and Sister will be on a mission--so it makes sense.)

Shantae is doing well. She leaves to Nauvoo in less than two weeks. I can hardly believe it. It has been nice writing her. I miss her a lot, but she is doing well.

Um, I have been having health problems. Fun. haha. Although, if you know me, this is no real surprise. As of now, other than my shoulder (I have another appointment scheduled for when school gets out) we are fairly positive that I have an ulcer. Apparently I worry myself sick. Don't look so shocked. haha. It just puts a damper in things because I can't let my stomach get empty either or else I deal with excruciating pain.

Hmmm...

I think that is it. I don't think there is anything else new.

So over and out for today.

Don't Flatter Yourself

This is the post where I say "Don't flatter yourself."

You know who you are. And after what you did and said, two things need to be stated.

First: This blog is not a documentary about my life. I do not have the time nor the energy needed to document every last second of my existence. I know that overwhelmingly I come here to vent my frustrations about life, but even those are just a day's worth of feelings. They are nothing more than that--feelings. They are not who I am, what I feel all the time, and they are about something that only three or four people in this world even know about. You don't know what I am talking about. So don't pretend you do. You don't know me. You never have.

Second. There are vitally important things in my life that have never surfaced on this blog. And as of now, I am not sure that they even will. This blog is a public forum and now that I have released my identity, I don't feel right about attaching more names to this blog. This blog is not a family blog or a relationship blog. It is a blog where I share my feelings. Just because my feelings sometimes focus on loneliness and pain does not mean that I am alone or in a constant state of depression. On the contrary, I have been happier recently than I have ever been before. Pain and loneliness are attached to life. I don't want to get religious, but feeling like God isn't listening can bring loneliness even if you are being held by the one you love.

My trials in life have nothing to do with you--that ship has sailed. Even the residuals are finally going away. There is definitely less flinching around my poor Josh and fears of being screamed at have almost all dissipated. I know I don't talk about my successes near as much as I should, but I have a hard time publicly attaching these successes with the person who has made it possible. Just because I don't talk about him does not mean that he is not there. Like I said before--this isn't about him. Just like it wasn't about you. This blog is about me.

There are so many more things I wish I could say--some mean, some full of pity for you. As "anonymous" as you have been since I started this blog, I am not stupid or naive enough to believe you haven't been keeping track of me through this blog. I think you are the one who needs to move on--not me. I don't mean physically (we both know that that has already happened) but emotionally. I don't know what you are looking for in reading my blog so religiously, but whatever it is, it isn't healthy. I don't know or care what is going on in your life. I haven't known and haven't cared since I blocked your attempts to get me back. My future is bright and I will have everything I have ever dreamed of--more than you could have ever given me. The only reason I can see for all of your "anonymous" stalking can be summed up in one word: Regret.

Well get over it.

I have repeatedly ignored all of the crap you have posted and emailed but this is the last straw.

You are nothing to me. You mean nothing to me. And you are not a part of my life or my blog. Whatever abuse you inflicted on me and whatever pain you caused are my pains and as such are my right to talk about. But that does not mean, nor has it ever meant, that I am not over you and that I want you back.

So seriously.

Don't flatter yourself. And leave me the heck alone.

Because I am done.

Today

It's one of those days. 

A day where I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart is going to burst from the pain permeating my chest. 

It's a day where the old scars don't feel much like scars, but still open, festering wounds. Today it feels like there is blood pooling under my rib cage. I don't know why it aches so desperately, but today is one of those days. 

A day where I wonder how I can possibly make it through to tomorrow, and why in the H. E. double hockey sticks I can feel this soul wrenching anguish when the only thing I ever did wrong was love. I'm beginning to believe that is the ultimate sin--loving to much. 

Woe unto the one who gives so totally and completely of his heart for surely it shall be wrenched from him, leaving him in anguish and total hell. Woe unto the lover for he shall be cast down into a loveless world. 

It's probably a good thing I am not in charge of writing scriptures. I fear they would be full of self contempt and sorrow. What good could possibly come from that?

I am sorry to ramble on. Pain, anguish. Sorrow, contempt. You do not come here to witness my pity party. Neither do I purposely inflict you with one. But dear blog, I am in so much pain right now and I did not know where else to turn. I feel like my life is one giant mistake that I will forever be punished for. I guess today I can't see the light. 

Actually, I haven't been able to see the light very much lately and it scares me. I want to be free of this self inflicted bondage and the turmoil that comes with self mutilation and self loathing, but I can't seem to look past my faults and reconize that there is a daughter of God worthy of incredible happiness locked deep inside. Today I don't even know if God believes that's true. 

Why else would a kind loving Father in heaven ignore his child's heartfelt pleadings? Today I soaked my carpet with my tears and allowed my pain to escape my throat. Maybe I couldn't hear God because of my sobs. Or maybe not. Maybe I really am unworthy of blessings and happiness and freedom from the pain of an abusive relationship. Maybe I need to learn more from that situation. 

Or maybe not. 

Can you hear me?

Please. 

Today it's one of those days. You've had them, too. You just want to sink into the carpet and cease to exist. Just for one or two days. Today my eyes just can't seem to stop leaking. 

I probably shouldn't have put makeup on today. Or clothes. My pajamas handle tears better than this white shirt. 

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even got out of bed this morning. 

Dear Heart: Please stop aching. For me? 

Please?

It's one of those days. 

Yep. 

I think I need a hug.