Happy Memorial Day

Today I helped my parents do yard work. Well, help is a relative term for someone who is terrified of bugs and hates dirt... But I did spend the day in the beautiful outdoors keeping my mom and dad company while they tackled the gardening demons.

The rest of the family was gone. I relish the time I get to spend alone with my mom and dad. Crazy, I know, but it is always fun to be alone with two people I care about immensely. The time I got today with them was no different. What a great day!

Life lately has been... stressful. I have a list of things I am worried about and that are making me sick. I hate that about me--the fact that I can obsess and worry about things until I am physically ill. It doesn't help that I have a hard time sleeping at night. I hate that I can't control my anxiety as completely as I would like.

But I am hanging in there, waiting for peaceful days like today when I don't worry.

I leave for my trip in two days. At this point in time it is actually less than two days away; our flight is Wednesday morning. I haven't let myself get really excited for the trip yet because I know the second I let myself get truly worked up, it will be over. Isn't that how most trips are? You countdown forever and then it lasts for what seems like merely seconds?

I hate that feeling of "now it is all going to be over." Perhaps that is why I never let myself get truly attached to anything. I don't like the sadness that comes with the end. This is evident in my relationships with people.

Especially now.

I have always been somewhat reserved, but someone once convinced me to let go and trust. I did. Whole-heartedly. The demise of THAT relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever had to get over (get through?).

I think that is the reason I relish the moments I have with my parents... like today. They are two of the few people I trust totally and completely. I know they will never leave me. Even in death, I know that we will be together again.

I just wish I could trust people outside of my family.

What would it be like to be normal again?

But then again, are any of us really normal? I think if everyone was perfectly normal, this world would be a bland one indeed. Ha ha. I know my family would not be as great if we were all "normal."

Anyway, it is dinner time. And I am starving. :) So I will talk to you later!

I hope you had a happy Memorial Day. The next time you hear from me I will be well-vacationed and hopefully tanner (more tan?)

Until next time!

Bucket list? Or something like it...

I was reading a friend's blog and stole this nifty idea. She stole it from her friend, so I don't feel exceptionally terrible. Anyway, it is a list of things you should do before you die. I have bolded the things I have done already. Although, I am not sure if I will ever complete the list.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant...
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (do my own movies count?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating?
88. Had the chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Wow, I still have such a long way to go if I ever want to finish this list. You should copy and paste and do this yourself. I am sure you will have a lot more than I did!

I wish...

For five minutes in my life, I want to be the center of the universe.

I know that is highly self-centered and selfish, but gosh darn it, right now I don't care.

I am tired of sitting back and watching good things happen to other people, all the while pretending to be happy for them.

"I am so happy for you!" "Congratulations!" "You're baby is so cute!" "I'm glad you love being married."

The words taste like vinegar and I am tired of lavishing others with them so freely. I am sick of being sad, lonely, depressed, upset, angry, and upset. Yes, I know I said upset twice. It has been an underlying theme in my life lately.

I know money and possessions don't buy happiness. I know that material items won't magically make my world better. But right now I am not allowing myself to believe that. Just give me instant gratification ONCE in my life and let me relish in the momentary happiness it brings.

Yes. I want to be the center of the universe right now. I want everyone to love me, everyone to want to spend time with me. I want all of my dreams now. I want people to be happy for me! I don't want to have to fake smile/talk my way out of a conversation anymore. I want my new car, I want school to be paid for, and I want to be the favorite for once in my life.

Ugh.

And I want to be able to fly and to know all, as long as I am throwing out my wants and wishes and other things unobtainable.

Can't I just have one wish today? Please?

I thought not. :(

11

Eleven.

We are now at eleven blogs posts that will never make it to this blog.

Almost twelve.

I really need to post my thoughts.

I really need to ask my questions.

I am very confused.

Please. Help.

P.S. Today I am happy because of my haircut. I feel pretty.

Emotional Purge

If you could go back in time, would you?

What would you do differently?

I have so many unanswered questions right now. My mind is spinning and my heart is pounding. My hands won't stop shaking. I don't understand. I want to understand.

Things have changed so much. Yet, not much has changed at all.

I'm still the girl who puts on a face... I'm still burying emotions and feelings deep inside for fear of hurting... or hurting another. I still try to hide. I still try to run.

I feel stronger.

Yet, I feel beaten down... less than a person.

I started this blog to be honest. But I find myself hiding in the words I write. Tempting you to understand. Daring you to know what I am talking about. But never completely opening up.

I have nearly ten blog posts that are saved in my computer. Deep, heartfelt writings where my feelings are bare on the page. I have read and reread each word. But I can't bring myself to post... to open up. How can I?

I wish I could see the future.

I wish I could go back in time.

I hate that I find myself so repulsive. I cry for the person I have become. I am a lonely outcast who tries to remain hidden. I try to mend my heart by building walls. The walls of anger and apathy are growing thicker each day. It's easier.

Sometimes I feel that everyone I have ever loved has hurt me. Why should I try to love again?

I don't understand what I did wrong... What am I doing wrong?

"It will get better," they say. "Be patient."

I want to yell and scream at them. They don't understand. How could they? They are not me! They have never traveled down the road I am on. How can things get better when I am trying so hard to disappear? Can't they see that the inner turmoil is preventing any hope of happiness?

And can't they see that they will never understand what I don't tell them?

I have buried the secrets dark and deep. They are locked away forever in places in my soul that I don't dare look at... let alone show anyone else.

They think I am doing better. They think they I am happy. They don't know that they are wrong--that I am only showing them what they want to see. The truth is far too potent.

The truth is I have nothing.

I have a cat and Fluffy.

I have my mom, but even she will never know--can't ever know--what I am thinking and feeling.

I try to swallow the emotions. Some days the lump in my throat makes me throw up. It isn't fair. I wish it would go away. I wish there was a way for my questions to be answered.

But how can they when I have made it impossible for the answers to reach me?

Won't the answers just bring more pain?

The last time I questioned, I got hurt. I missed class. I stayed in my room for days and cried. I found out HE had moved on. Doesn't that prove I need to stay hidden from the world forever? Doesn't that prove that my desire for answers might prove fatal?

I am so lost.

I am so confused.

The summer sun has come, and with it my scars. They are worse in the summer. They remind me of a different place... A better place? They remind me of the scars that are forming on my broken heart.

Some days I wish they weren't scars, but open, festering wounds. It sounds sick, I know, but the anger and numbness that has replaced the blood seems... worse.

I am talking in circles, and I apologize. This is the most real I have been in a long time. Seeing the words form sentences on this page is semi-cathartic. It is also painful. My chest feels like it is going to explode.

I wonder if I am going to post this. Or if it will simply be another draft I will read again and again.

It is getting late. Nearly 2:30 a.m. I should stop writing and go to sleep.

Sleep is hard to come by lately. It's elusive. I wish it wasn't needed. I hate sleep almost as much as I hate food. It is slightly depressing that I abhor two main staples in my life.

I wonder if going back would change that.

I wonder if continuing forward would.

Right now I wonder if I can even do either.

I wonder if disappearing would solve anything.

I wonder if anyone would even notice--or miss--my absence.

If you could go back in time, would you?

What would you do differently?

The questions are still haunting me. The pain in my chest is still there. My hands are still shaking. While this is the most honest I have been in a long time, I still can't utter the questions I have.

I can hardly think past the first two.

Would you go back in time?

What would you change?

Would you go back in time?

What would you change?

The questions are echoing, followed by answers I am not ready to admit, I'm not certain they are legitimate.

Yes. I would go back in time. I would change a lot.

I can't admit what I would change.

Perhaps that's why my hands are still shaking.

Exhaustion is setting in. My emotions are far too close to the surface for comfort. Forgive me for this emotional purge. I took someone's advice and felt sorry for myself--something I have not been willing to do in a long time. It almost makes me feel... better.

If you could go back in time, would you?

What would you do differently?

Now it's your turn to answer.

Droopy

I want to complain.

But I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm tired.

I am in pain.

I am lonely.

Sometimes I miss HIM.

I wish things were different. I've tried to change my situation. I've been positive. I've been busy. I've done everything I can think of.

I want it better. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to pretend to be happy.

Some days.... I don't even want to be here.

But I am trying to remain positive.

It's hard.

But I can't complain. I won't.

Not now.

:(

Maybe tomorrow.

Today I...

...woke up sick.

...had waffles for breakfast.

...accidentally bought an expensive item on ebay.

...watched chick flicks for hours.

...planned a vacation to Chicago.

...ate Oreo ice cream.

...cried.

...resented my sister's boyfriend.

...took a shower.

...read.

...laughed.

...put a UTA tattoo on my leg. Classy.

...played games on my computer.

...hugged my family.

...realized that I am grateful.

What did you do today?

Randomings Ramblings

Less than twenty days until vaca numero uno. :) WOOT.

The second vacation is still in the planning phase. We know we are going somewhere... but not sure where. Chicago has been thrown around. As has Washington, Texas, and Oregon. We also don't know whether we will fly or drive.

Speaking of vacations... it is making me realize how expensive school is! It eats up every last dime I have. Oh school.

I need a job. I was able to get grant money for next year... but GEEZ school's expensive. Too bad I am on burn out because of school and have NO clue where to work for a summer. No one wants to hire you when you can only work temporarily. Unfortunately, I am not feeling as concerned about my lack of income as I should feel...

... I made a list of items I need for next semester. NEED is a relative term, however. While I say I need a dorm room aquarium for dorm fish, I am fairly positive most would agree I can live without it.

Meh. School. I am not stressing. I just feel that everything is going to work out.

Also, grades were posted. Yay for hard work that allows for As at the end of the semester and a 3.9 cumulative GPA. (Hooray for teachers who give ME the highest grade in the class on papers because I am apparently "a great writer." That was a hard class too. History 4840.)

Regardless of good grades, it is a relief to have a summer off. Then only one more year of school. Period. Good gravy, time sure flies.

Did I just say good gravy? I'm pretty sure staying up all night is affecting my brain. Playing Angry Birds on my Touch is probably not helping things either. Or watching Bones, Jon & Kate Plus Ei8ht, Friends or Greek.

See. I told you I need a job.

Or a new book. The one I am reading is SO boring and is taking me forever to finish. But I can't start a new book until I finish this one.

I think I am going to go put on another glow-in-the-dark tattoo. And then eat ice cream for dinner. It made a good dessert last night...

It was also a great midnight snack. Oh boys... demanding ice cream at all hours of the night. It's a good thing I am very accommodating. Walmart runs are always welcome in my world. Even when we don't start hanging out until 10:30.

10:30... and we wonder why I stay up all night.

At least there will be a time difference on my trip! See. I need this vacation.

I also need a one-track mind.

Hmph.

I LIVE!

Finals are over.

(Insert exhale here.)

I am sorry that I have slacked on posting. But school tends to rule my life when finals are approaching.

Who am I kidding? School ruled my life this entire semester.

It was such a good semester, though. I LOVED my foreign relations class. SOOO INTERESTING. I am looking forward to the second half next semester. I have never worked so hard in a class before.... but I have also never learned so much. I think my family is tired of me sharing all of my new-found knowledge. (Like, did you know America has only officially declared war five times. Ever.)

I also enjoyed my marriage and family relations class and my theater class. My other classes were more icky, but that's ok. We all have those classes, right?

Now that school is over I can blog a little more frequently. It is such a stress-reliever for me. Even if I don't actually post when I blog. I have done that a lot recently. I have quite a few posts that are saved, but I don't know that I will ever share them. They are a little sad.

--I don't mean to only post sad or upsetting things. I am generally a very optimistic and positive person. I just tend to turn to the blog when I am not happy to help relieve whatever sadness I am feeling. I need to work on posting upbeat things as well so the world doesn't think I am always a basket case.

On the contrary, I am actually really happy most of the time. My one REAL complaint is that I stay up WAY too late. During school it was because I had to study or wind down after studying. NOW, I am just pathetic. All I want to do is read. I can't tell you how many times I have been reading when I realized it was almost 4 a.m.

It's a good thing I can function on little to no sleep. :)

I'm also counting down to vacation! Only 26 days to go! I'm so excited, I posted a picture from my last vacation! It's my favorite place. Seriously.

In any case, I hope this post finds you well. I hope you have a wonderful, happy weekend and enjoy this weird spring weather.

Oh. And if I don't get the chance to say it before Sunday...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Be sure to thank the mothers in your life for all they do for you. I know I am grateful for mine. Even when she makes me laugh so hard it physically hurts.

Anyway, happy weekend all. Keep smiling!