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57 days into 2010.

308 days to go.

I have so much to say right now. So many things wanting to be written.

The filter on my brain is keeping me from saying these many things.

I would love to elaborate on my frustrations.

My joys.

My anguish.

But everything is one big, red blur. Or maybe it's blue...

...or purple...

I am glad that tomorrow is Friday.

Maybe in my class, the girl who sits next to me will tell me my swollen face looks better.

Maybe I won't leave early to avoid conversing with people.

Or perhaps tomorrow will be different than today.

And yesterday.

Different than last week...

All I ask is that I keep the rational side of my brain intact. Some days I worry about what I might do...

But that really doesn't matter, does it?

Just like my filter doesn't matter either.

Who cares what I do or say?

No one reads this anyway.

So here's to you, Nobody.

Happy Friday.

And happy day 58.

Cry For Help?

I find myself continually angry.

Each breath I take seems to be laced with a fury deep inside of me that I can't get rid of.

It's a painful anger.

The kind that keeps me awake until all hours of the night. The kind that leaves me sobbing; each painful, wrenching heave pulling me further and further into hate.

But who do I hate?

It feels like everyone. My contempt is lavishly given as the venom drips.

But it isn't true. I don't hate everyone. I don't even know if I hate anyone. Hate is such a strong emotion... sometimes the strongest....

Perhaps that is why I am using it to cover the emotion that is harder for me to deal with. The emotion I have long tried to ignore.

pain.

Hate is SO much easier to deal with! It is tangible. There is someone you can blame! And you feel more in control. At least I do. I can yell and scream and say horrible hurtful things. And for a second I feel better.

But it is only a second.

Then the pain comes back.

It is always worse, too.

Worse because I inflicted pain on someone else.

That hurts.

Everything hurts lately.

Today I woke up with a swollen face after last nights sob-fest. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop the horrible anguish that was escaping my lips. My head felt like it would explode, but I couldn't stop it.

Maybe I have been holding it in for too long. Maybe I have been hiding it under the pretext of hate.

But I can't seem to hold it in anymore. Everything inside of me is screaming to come out. Every emotion, every angry word, every painful thought.

And NO one seems to understand.

I don't even think I understand completely.

All I know is that suddenly I am caught in a whirlpool of emotion--deep emotion--that I can't seem to swim out of.

THAT coupled with the fact that I have been dealing with health problems... Health problems that have multiplied... has left me sinking as the swirling waters continue rising.

I wish I could rise above all of this. I wish I could stop the thoughts that echo through my mind day and night. I wish I could find peace and happiness. It has to be somewhere, embedded within the last two years I am trying not to remember...but trying not to forget.

Yet, there is a silver lining amongst all of this.

I have found a best friend in my dad.

I cry as I write this. Emotional overload. I have the world's greatest parents. Two friends who I didn't fully recognize in my younger existence.

Perhaps it takes immense amounts of pain and anger to allow you to see the greatest happiness and joys in your life.

It was once said that there is opposition in all things. Perhaps I needed this opposition.

Oh how I wish it would go away, though.

I cannot take another night like last night. My FACE cannot take another night like last night.

Which is why I am going to continue hating.

Hating my family.

Hating friends.

Hating him.

Hating ME.

And when the tear escapes my eyelid and lands on my pillow tonight...

...I won't admit to myself that it was a cry for help.

It is just anger.

Thursday

I think it appropriate to note that I still want my pictures back.

No, I am not over that yet.

Humph....

and grrrrrrrrr....

Today was a bad day. I stayed up so late last night that I slept in this morning and missed one of my classes.

Oh well.

I am doing pretty well in my classes. (I would hope so. I study and do homework from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed.) I'm not complaining though. I LOVE school and learning and using my brain.

I also like my professors a lot this year.

It's also very exciting to know that I am really close to being done for good. Although I am not sure what I am going to do when I graduate. What I want to do with my life has nothing to do with what I majored in.

In any case, I need to start getting more sleep. Otherwise, all of my enjoyment of school is going to end.

And I need my pictures.

:(

Sleep

I have developed a deplorable habit. And I can't seem to shake it.

Because of recent nightmares I have been having- nightmares that I can't seem to avoid and can't seem to get over- I have been staying awake until all hours of the night.

Not to avoid sleep, but to stay awake until I am so exhausted that I fall into such a deep sleep to avoid being awakened in the middle of the night to a horrible dream.

So far it is working.

But it is also KILLING me.

I am exhausted.

I pray every night that I can have peace.

And I have been reading scriptures to help heal and settle my broken heart.

But I am at a loss.

This part of my life seems to be getting worse.

I am hoping for reprieve.

That my prayers will finally be answered.

Other than that, life is good. I am too busy to complain. I spend at least 2 hours a day working on homework. Most of the time it is a lot more than that.

I also travel to school and work regularly.

Hooray for busy days and late nights.

And hooray for the knowledge that (hopefully) all of this is temporary.