A Belated Christmas Medley...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of time...

I promised a brighter post, featuring the highlights of Christmas. And I have every intention of doing just that. But I feel the need to pepper this post with the frustrations I am having a very hard time getting over.

I hope you will bear with me.

Firstly, ChRiStMaS!!

Every year, my wonderful mother asks each of her children to give her a list of things they would like for Christmas. When we were little we wrote letters to Santa, but now that we are all older, we give her the list.

Tacky?

Nah.

She gets pretty upset if she doesn't have a list of the things we want the most.

This year my list wasn't very long. This year has been an exhausting one, and I just had a few odds and ends books and movies that I wanted.

This year, not only did I get everything that was on my list, but I also got quite a few things I had found myself wanting, but not asking for.

I got things like diamond earrings, a beautiful coat, "Friends" (the last 3 seasons I needed to complete my collection), and a book that I didn't even think was released yet!

The best surprise, however, was an iPod Touch!!

My 32gb baby hasn't left my side since Christmas morning. In fact, THAT is exactly what my family has started calling it.

Baby.

My BABY made THIS Christmas the BEST Chirstmas EVER!!

Actually, everyone in my family would agree that this year rocked. My amazing mother made sure to give everyone a healthy balance of stuff on their Christmas list as well as great surprises we weren't expecting. Plus, WE all put a lot time and consideration into our gifts for each other. Giving my family the presents I had picked out for them was even a little better than getting my Touch!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

I have been trying to dwell on the happiness that was my holiday. But the terrible "gift" that greeted me when I went to put music on my Touch has been haunting me every since.

I got up the nerve to email HIM about my missing photos, and he told me that he had them on a disk.

What possessed HIM to take them off my computer and put them on a disk is beyond me!

He said he would have to get them back to me sometime.

I asked him when.

He didn't respond.

He won't respond.

I am trying to simply let go.

I have some of the pictures printed out. I have SOME parts of the memories.

AND I worry that if he did give me the pictures back, he would purposely leave some of them out, just to spite me. Even though all of them mean so much to me. Even the ones he took are close to my heart.

Cruel twist of fate. None of my feelings mean anything to him anymore.

So I am trying to let go. Let go of the pictures of my family, close friends, vacations, camping trips, and dates. Our dates.

I pray every night that I will be able to drop it and forget it.

But the harder I try, the more I dwell on it.

And the more I dwell on HIM and our past, the more my emotions start leaking through my trained, hardened face of indifference. So many emotions. Some good. Some bad. But none I want to actually feel.

To think this is all because of pictures.

AND to think that it is all a direct result of such an amazing Christmas.

They say that you can't feel good unless you have felt bad.

I supposed the incredible joy I have felt is directly correlated to the intense pain I have also felt.

Too bad there is such a fine, fine line between bitter and sweet.

Just like there is such a fine line between the best of times and the worst of times.

Suffice it to say, I think my New Year's resolution is going to be finding a more permanent emotional equilibrium halfway between the good and bad emotional roller coaster that is my life.

(Did that make sense to you? Phew....)