Happy Friday

Except it isn't so happy.

Just busy.

Quiz, homework, essay, haircut, doctor's appointment.

Hope your Friday is more relaxing!

Secrets

I was listening to All American Rejects today. Here are MY dirty little secrets.

1. I still sleep with my bear, Fluffy, every night.

2. I still cry at night.

3. I am scared of everything... especially men.

4. I HATE this guy in one of my classes.

5. I still think about HIM a lot.

6. I read MLIA before bed every night.

7. I am afraid no one will ever love me as much as my mom does.

8. Sometimes when I am driving, I consider running away.

9. I have to convince myself to get out of bed and live my life everyday.

10. It is hard for me not to feel some degree of happiness at the end of the day because I was able to live.

11. I feel privileged that despite everything, I am in control of my life.

01-09-10

Have you ever had so much to say, but didn't know how to get the words out?

When it comes to writing, I generally don't have that problem. When using the written word, I can express myself with very little effort.

But today, everything I want to say is stuck, twirling around in my head.

Maybe I am just afraid to say what I am really thinking and feeling.

I wish I could go back.

Somewhere along the way I would do things differently. But what would I do differently? The beginning? The middle? The end? Yesterday?

But then again, that was another post, wasn't it?

I wouldn't do anything differently.

I need to SNAP out of this!

I need a hug.

Seeing Red

I find myself being angry about things regarding HIM...

More lately than I used to be.

ANGER was never an emotion I really felt.

I felt pain.

Hurt.

Sorrow.

Horror.

Not much anger.

I had moments of being mad.

But that was it.

This emotion is horrible and I spend a lot of time during my days to over come it.

It isn't healthy...

Small tidbits of good news.

A numbered randoms post to sum up my feelings.

1. I saw 5 old friends today! Talked to all of them, hugged most of them....

2. I am auditioning for a wonderful program! Due to this, I am meeting up with an AMAZING friend to help me prepare! I am so looking forward to this! She helped me nail a few other auditions in past times.

3. I found a way to get all past info off of a blog with no work at all on my part! Yay! As soon as I am able to take care of the old blog (that featured HIM and I), I will be able to delete it completely! Sigh of relief? Check!

4. Had the brakes in my care changed (fixed?)... apparently they were broken or something. Now I can safely drive many miles a week (yes, my life is now commuter-ized).

5. Got many compliments on my hair. Interesting, because I am not sure how I feel about it today... But no complaints here. A little self esteem boost is always appreciated.

6. Bought text books. Three hundred and some odd dollars later.... and broke.... I am officially ready for all of my classes.

7. Had French fries for dinner last night. Perfect.

8. Am currently watching Greek... BEST SHOW EVER!

9. I am happy. Last night I spent some time in an old friend's home. I used to spend at least one night a week in this house, but haven't for some time now. I went to ask for help with a project I am working on. It was nice to feel like my old self again...

10. It was nice that THEY (the old friends from number 9^) noticed that the old ME has returned.

To end my randoms, I want to add that every day is a choice. I wake up and choose how I am going to face the day. I am not successful at being positive and happy every day. And most days I wake up sick to my stomach. But if I continue onward with a good attitude, I find that I am content at the end of the day.

And I think to myself, "Life is beautiful. Go me!"

"Bring on tomorrow!"

HP Reborn!

Dear Bloggers!

I am happy to inform all of you that I have my computer back!! I am so happy! I missed it muchos a lot. :) As I type this blog, my fingers want to do a happy dance. Apparently they have bonded with my HP... (yes, all five of them)... and no other computer I used these past few weeks was as enjoyable to work on.

This means I will be able to jump back into my regular blogging schedule again! Now I can finally tell you my long stories I have been promising you. It will feel good to be able to talk to my blog friend again.

Love,

J.A.N.

Hey-Ho! 20-10!

Here I am, only 5 days into the year 2010, and I am proud to say how different this year is going to be!

The past 5 days have already been a grand new adventure.

Firstly, back to school. Two schools actually. I am crazy nervous and excited. I am going from a sporadic job to a scheduled school schedule. Monday through Friday.

And I can't forget my part-time job; Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

2010 is going to be busy.

Hooray!

Also...

2010 is going to be filled with new challenges as well as new adventures!

I already have 2 great vacations planned!

This year is also going to be filled with old memories. As I look to the future, I very much need to reevaluate the past. This year, I am sending my past to the history books, once and for all!

Speaking of my past, today I met up with a friend I haven't seen in over 2 years. It was amazing. I've missed her... and all of my other friends that have been non-existent in my life since HE came around. Actually, today I met up with a few old friends. Awesome. And THAT is just the beginning. I feel like my life... MY LIFE.... (not this messed up existence I have been wallowing in the past 2 years) is FINALLY returning!

HOORAY!

So welcome 2010! To thee I say hello! I shall be uniting with old friends, as well as new ones! I am ridding my life of old problems and am dancing (yes, dancing... I am thrilled) to tomorrow!!

Bring it on!!

A Belated Christmas Medley...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of time...

I promised a brighter post, featuring the highlights of Christmas. And I have every intention of doing just that. But I feel the need to pepper this post with the frustrations I am having a very hard time getting over.

I hope you will bear with me.

Firstly, ChRiStMaS!!

Every year, my wonderful mother asks each of her children to give her a list of things they would like for Christmas. When we were little we wrote letters to Santa, but now that we are all older, we give her the list.

Tacky?

Nah.

She gets pretty upset if she doesn't have a list of the things we want the most.

This year my list wasn't very long. This year has been an exhausting one, and I just had a few odds and ends books and movies that I wanted.

This year, not only did I get everything that was on my list, but I also got quite a few things I had found myself wanting, but not asking for.

I got things like diamond earrings, a beautiful coat, "Friends" (the last 3 seasons I needed to complete my collection), and a book that I didn't even think was released yet!

The best surprise, however, was an iPod Touch!!

My 32gb baby hasn't left my side since Christmas morning. In fact, THAT is exactly what my family has started calling it.

Baby.

My BABY made THIS Christmas the BEST Chirstmas EVER!!

Actually, everyone in my family would agree that this year rocked. My amazing mother made sure to give everyone a healthy balance of stuff on their Christmas list as well as great surprises we weren't expecting. Plus, WE all put a lot time and consideration into our gifts for each other. Giving my family the presents I had picked out for them was even a little better than getting my Touch!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

I have been trying to dwell on the happiness that was my holiday. But the terrible "gift" that greeted me when I went to put music on my Touch has been haunting me every since.

I got up the nerve to email HIM about my missing photos, and he told me that he had them on a disk.

What possessed HIM to take them off my computer and put them on a disk is beyond me!

He said he would have to get them back to me sometime.

I asked him when.

He didn't respond.

He won't respond.

I am trying to simply let go.

I have some of the pictures printed out. I have SOME parts of the memories.

AND I worry that if he did give me the pictures back, he would purposely leave some of them out, just to spite me. Even though all of them mean so much to me. Even the ones he took are close to my heart.

Cruel twist of fate. None of my feelings mean anything to him anymore.

So I am trying to let go. Let go of the pictures of my family, close friends, vacations, camping trips, and dates. Our dates.

I pray every night that I will be able to drop it and forget it.

But the harder I try, the more I dwell on it.

And the more I dwell on HIM and our past, the more my emotions start leaking through my trained, hardened face of indifference. So many emotions. Some good. Some bad. But none I want to actually feel.

To think this is all because of pictures.

AND to think that it is all a direct result of such an amazing Christmas.

They say that you can't feel good unless you have felt bad.

I supposed the incredible joy I have felt is directly correlated to the intense pain I have also felt.

Too bad there is such a fine, fine line between bitter and sweet.

Just like there is such a fine line between the best of times and the worst of times.

Suffice it to say, I think my New Year's resolution is going to be finding a more permanent emotional equilibrium halfway between the good and bad emotional roller coaster that is my life.

(Did that make sense to you? Phew....)