Vague... I know

I am so frustrated.

I feel like I am invisible. Like I am not being heard and every explanation I utter is nearly always taken wrong.

I have spent the last few days trying to explain myself when all I want to do is scream, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!

But I don't. I continue to try and explain and defend myself and to patch up what little I have left of my life.

I know this is so much vagueness. Always vagueness. I feel like I can't explain fully which is equally as frustrating because maybe if I could share all the details of my latest struggle, someone could help me.

I hate that this blog has become such a depressing place. I don't mean it to be.

I am not going to take the blame for what I am going through, though. The only thing I did wrong was trust.

I am far too trusting of a person.

An abusers dream, really.

Ugh.

This isn't even about abuse. I don't even know what it's about. It's about pain and wanting so desperately to make sense of it all... It's about wanting to know when it's going to end... It's about wanting normalcy in my life... It's about missing my sister, my best friend, and not knowing where to turn.

I must seem like the world's most depressed person. I'm really not. This is the only place where I appear like this. It's the only place where I feel like I can let these feelings out. Outside of this blog and the blog world, I have to be someone else. I have to be happy and positive.

I should go to sleep. It's nearly two in the morning and my thoughts are churning like crazy.

Maybe sleep will help.

At least when I'm asleep it's ok that I'm invisible.

Self Destruction?

Some days I feel like I deserve abuse. I feel like I deserve the bad things that happen to me. It is hard to talk myself out of the pain I feel. Although I have been making great headway in doing positive things and thinking positive thoughts, I haven't done a good job in telling myself I deserve better.

Even now as I realize that I have become caught in a similar situation as I was with HIM, I can't seem to break away from the horrible self-degrading thoughts.

I think that is the worst problem with abuse. The abuser convinces their victim that they are worthless. Yes the pain--physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, emotional--is absolutely horrendous and definitely drains a person. But it is the mind games that leave you convinced that you deserve everything you are getting.

That just doesn't go away.

I convince myself fairly regularly that I deserve pain. "Clearly if I deserved better, the bad things wouldn't happen," I tell myself. A twisted attitude to have, I admit, but for some reason feeling like I deserve bad makes the bad easier to handle.

I have a friend who spreads the word about this blog anytime she hears of someone struggling with abuse. For those caught in the cycle--because it very much is a cycle that is incredibly hard to get out of--it is hard to feel like there is anyone else out there who understands, cares, or has even been through something similar. I think that is why I started this blog. I felt so alone and had nowhere to turn. Of course my family was supportive and loving, but I needed to share my feelings somewhere else.

Now, as this friend tells me that "I sent someone else to your blog," I feel the incredible need to say "you're not alone."

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

There are people who understand that feeling of being trapped. More people than you realize have felt similar pains of abuse. And there are people everywhere who are struggling to get out.

It is a struggle. It isn't something that just "goes away." Every step in the process is painful in and of itself, but every step is necessary for healing.

I am still healing. I am still traveling though steps. My personality has been detrimental to much of my healing process. My willingness to take the blame for everything and everyone in my life has left the abuse hard to get over. But is slowly getting better. I have learned what to do to avoid those self destructive thoughts. It's always a challenge, but it is needed.

Life is hard. It is a challenge. I have new hardships to share that have left me battered--new demons I have not yet conquered. But now isn't the time to share the most recent chapter in my life. The pain is still too fresh, and honestly, in this case my body has turned against me in a way unlike ever before. I suppose that after everything I have been through, my body could only handle so much.

I am not complaining, mind you. I just want to talk through my thoughts and feelings and, even though I am in a moment of hopelessness, share my knowledge that there IS hope.

Each day brings another chance for us to overcome, help someone else, and to rise above our trials. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I have meaning in this life and I have overcome so much. What right do I have to complain when I have been given so much? And beyond that, what right do I have to complain when I have broken out of an abuse cycle that many others are still struggling with?

I am very grateful for that.

And as for those self-deprecating thoughts, I will continue to work on that. Hopefully as I close this current chapter in my life, it will be easier to recognize that I don't deserve bad things--that they are just parts of life. Isn't life an interesting bag of tricks?

Happy Sunday, all. Keep on smiling. And wish me luck. I'd like to smile extra big for the remainder of this trial. A positive attitude changes even the worst situations.

Secret Regrets

New favorite website.

secretregrets.com

I regret you. I regret trusting you and letting you know the pain I had been dealing with. You used that against me and hurt me far worse than I could have ever imagined. And yet your words continued to sooth me and blind me to the truth until it was too late. I regret telling you I love you and letting you touch me that way. I never wanted you to, but I allowed it because the abuse was worse when I didn't comply. I regret not telling you to leave long before I did and I regret holding on for so long after I said goodbye. I regret allowing myself to fall into the same trap again and let someone new into my life to hurt me. I regret that I am not stronger and all men seem to think I am only good at being their punching bag. But the thing I regret most is that despite the fact that I claim to know I am worth more than you say I am, I DON'T. I regret that I secretly believe that everything you have told me is the truth, that I am worthless, and that I should be dead. If it wasn't so sick, I would regret that I was even born in the first place.