Scream

I have been screaming all day, but no sound has come out.

I have been crying, but the tears are a waste.

Any prayers or pleadings are falling on deaf ears.

It's like I am slowly being strangled and no one will step in to help me breathe.

My mind is racing and all I can think is "What about me? What about me? Please. Will someone just listen to ME?"

I hate coming here when I am broken. But I don't know where else to go. Maybe someone else will hear my cries...

Sticky

Today I feel like I am dripping.

Have you ever felt like that? Like everything is weighing on you so heavily that it physically feels like everything you are struggling with is dripping off your fingertips?

Or is that just me?

I wish I was in the mood to post something lighthearted. I hear posts about rainbows and bunnies are all the rage. I am just not into fluffy animals and refracted light right now.

So instead I will imagine the sticky stresses of life slowly dripping off my weighted down body. Hopefully if I stand really still they will drip faster. And maybe if I hold still long enough, it will all come off.

Or maybe I just need a bath.

Shades of Grey

It's interesting how actions can color impressions.

I'm not talking about our own actions coloring our own impressions. While that is certainly important and something we should all consider in our interactions with others, it is not the direction my mind is wandering today.

I am talking about how MY actions color what OTHER people think. I know that this is life--what we say and do has always (and will always) have an impact on what others think. But sometimes I think people should not judge so quickly in observing the way other people behave.

I'm making it sound like I have done something heinous. I haven't. But that doesn't change the fact that I firmly believe if you could see into my head... see my thoughts.... my soul... you would think of me differently.

Oftentimes I dream of pulling someone inside of me. Letting them look at the scars and the still healing wounds. I want them to see life through the glasses I wear; try to make sense of the contradictions that I barely understand about my life. I just wish they understood.

It seems the many in this world are convinced that everything is black and white. It's either right or wrong, and that is all it can be. But heaven help me, there are colors swimming around in everything. And, like it or not, there are a billion different shades of grey.

Today my life is a splattering of these colors. And so many different greys it is disgusting. There are blacks and whites in there, too, but the way they are bleeding into the other colors shows how complicated I am.

I think that's the point. And I think that is why I am frustrated right now.

There is more to me than meets the eye. Spend a lifetime with me and I still don't think you will completely understand. I should not be "judged" (for lack of a better word) on what you see on the outside. Until you know me, the deep dark parts of me... Until you see the colors and greys, I don't think you have the right to tell me who I am and what I'm thinking.

You may think you know. You may have a thousand impressions of me. But they are just impressions. Nothing more. They are not who I am.

I don't want to sound ranty. I am not upset or even angry. I am just intrigued. Intrigued that this whole world is run by what people think about others--whether their thoughts are right or wrong. I may be alone in this, but that doesn't seem fair.

Life is an interesting bag of tricks, isn't it. The world is so diverse filled with all types of people. I know I am not perfect and have no right even pretending to be. But I can say one thing. I know that when I see another human being... another child of God... I am only seeing a small fraction of that person.

What right do I have to base my entire opinion of that person on that impression?

Lonely

Have you ever had moments where you feel so incredibly alone and you have no idea where to turn? Days where you think "if I can just make it through to tomorrow, it will be ok" but you know that tomorrow probably won't be any better?

That's how I am feeling right now. I'm not depressed, thank goodness. And I am fairly positive, considering how hard of a time I am having right now. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to see some... relief.

There are too many details and stories I would have to go into for this to make any sense, but I wanted to share a little of how I am feeling. Alone.

Hooray for the little things in life that make it all worth it. The little words of advice and comfort. Pajamas and pillows. And the knowledge that nothing lasts forever. Someday I will look back at today and realize that this was worth it. I survived so I could obtain something amazing.

That is what I think about when I think about some of the previous stuff I went through.

Speaking of previous stuff, guess who has started harassing me again? Unknown Number.

Yeah.

That has made my blue-ish mood all the better.

Oh well. What can you do. Except for wait for tomorrow. Hope for the best. And count the blessing you do have.