Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sunday

Today is Sunday.

Technically it's the last day of Fall Break.

I have my homework finished for the week--amazingly--considering I took two days off to go camping with my family.

And now I am hiding out in my room, exhausted.

Wednesday I learned that I only have 13 credits left to take before graduation. Next semester is officially my last. I have even filed for graduation. Now, other than the classes I have to take, all that I have left to do is pay.

It is scary to think about the future. I am very much accustomed to my life. The thought of being completely grown up terrifies me.

With that in mind, I have been looking into grad school. I love learning and there is nothing stopping me from continuing with my education. I don't know where I would go. Already, things at my school are changing.

My sister, who I am currently living close to, is leaving to serve a mission. I can hardly believe it. I have mixed feelings about her decision. It will be really weird for her to be gone. My brother leaves in just over a year. It will be exceptionally weird to be a family of four for the few months they are both gone.

Unless I am married by then.

I don't think about marriage very often. I can't. It messes with my head. A woman in my ward told my mom that it is basically a death sentence if you aren't married at the age of 18. Wow. Apparently I should be dead or near dying. It's strange how all of my deepest, darkest fears have come true. I used to be terrified I'd be an old maid. Now look at me. I know I am a bit dramatic, but I can't help it. Some of the people I graduated with already have two children.

Unfortunately, the whole idea of DATING, the thing you need to do to get married, freaks me out. I still struggle. Even with my best friend, Josh, I have moments of utter fear. Which is odd because he has never yelled at me. It's crazy how patient he is with my anxiety attacks. Regardless, guys still terrify me. So, as far as I am concerned, I am destined to remain an old maid.

Which is why grad school poses such a real desire to me. I have nothing better to do with my life, I might as well continue learning. I don't know what I would do with a Masters Degree, but the thought of taking my education one step further leaves me feeling ... fulfilled.

I can't get ahead of myself, though. I still have a lot to finish this year. Classes this semester. Classes next semester. Christmas. Spring Break across the country. A long drive with Josh to Texas to move him home. And then hopefully on to Florida. A possible trip to Washington, D.C.

There is so much life to live. I can't get ahead of myself and be counting down to grad school ... just yet.

Maybe in the mess of everything, I will be able to find all of the secret, deep wishes, that my heart yearns for.

Regardless, I can't think about it. This last week was exhausting. And next week will be tiring, too. That is life.

Today is Sunday.

Technically it is the first day of the new week.

Isn't that interesting?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Nightmares

Is it bad that I still have nightmares?

About our relationship? About the bad things that happened? About HIM?

I hate it.

I feel normal and then I have a night full of flashbacks and terror and I wake up thoroughly depressed.

I wish I was better about not letting such bad nights get to me. But I can't help it. It makes everything worse. If I have anxiety about anything else, it magnifies it. I stress myself sick after nights with such horrible dreams. I wish I wasn't like that.

I feel like I have a new life--a life I never  imagined I would have for myself. I am a new person. I have new dreams, new goals, new friends. But part of me is still hopelessly stuck in the past.

I hate the past.

I learned a lot. I am grateful I was able to grow from it. But I hate that part of me still resides there.

The insecure and scared me resides there. And sometimes that girl comes back with a vengeance. I start questioning everything and everybody. I don't trust anyone. And I hurt.

It makes me SO MAD!!

Why am I still not normal?

Today was a bad day. I am going to admit that. Both to myself and to you. Maybe if I recognize that life isn't perfect and that I am still learning and growing and overcoming I will be more accepting of this lifelong process.

If anything, maybe it will make it so I never have another nightmare about HIM and THAT again.

On a happier side-note. My professor told me I should seriously consider graduate school and told me to stop by his office for more information.

I think I just might do that.