Locked So Deep Inside

I feel the words in the back of my throat. They are burning through my chest as I write this. I labor with each letter I write. I want to tell you the things that are stuck inside my heart, but lately nothing will come out.

It's not for lack of trying.

There are so many unfinished posts saved, begging to have an end... to be posted. But I can't.

I can't brag about my accomplishments. Tell you how proud I am of myself and the "big" person I am being.

I can't explain my sorrow or my anger. There are no words that can fully express these emotions.

And telling you would lead you to believe that I am not ok, when I really am. I think.

I can't talk about the doctors anymore. I don't even understand my health, I can't expect you to. So many specialists, yet so little answers. So many new developments, yet so much more confusion.

My fears also tend to be off limits.

It isn't that I don't want you to know.

I just... can't find words to express my life lately.

I am not sad, per say. Nor happy. Nor angry.

I am just here.

Perhaps that is why I haven't written.

Every time I try, the lump grows larger... more pronounced. It gets more painful to try and release. To blog about what my heart yearns to write brings explicit pain.

I promise you so many posts. I want to keep those promises. But it isn't that simple.

It is so complicated.

Instead I immerse myself in schoolwork. I am happiest there. I love my classes: the reading, the studying, the loss of identity.

I just wish schoolwork eliminated the thoughts and feelings that I can't explain to you.

Or I wish I could explain them to you.

One of these days the lump of words at the back of my throat will break and I will be able to tell you everything I have locked so deep inside of me.

Until then, please accept these short offerings from my life.