Locked So Deep Inside

I feel the words in the back of my throat. They are burning through my chest as I write this. I labor with each letter I write. I want to tell you the things that are stuck inside my heart, but lately nothing will come out.

It's not for lack of trying.

There are so many unfinished posts saved, begging to have an end... to be posted. But I can't.

I can't brag about my accomplishments. Tell you how proud I am of myself and the "big" person I am being.

I can't explain my sorrow or my anger. There are no words that can fully express these emotions.

And telling you would lead you to believe that I am not ok, when I really am. I think.

I can't talk about the doctors anymore. I don't even understand my health, I can't expect you to. So many specialists, yet so little answers. So many new developments, yet so much more confusion.

My fears also tend to be off limits.

It isn't that I don't want you to know.

I just... can't find words to express my life lately.

I am not sad, per say. Nor happy. Nor angry.

I am just here.

Perhaps that is why I haven't written.

Every time I try, the lump grows larger... more pronounced. It gets more painful to try and release. To blog about what my heart yearns to write brings explicit pain.

I promise you so many posts. I want to keep those promises. But it isn't that simple.

It is so complicated.

Instead I immerse myself in schoolwork. I am happiest there. I love my classes: the reading, the studying, the loss of identity.

I just wish schoolwork eliminated the thoughts and feelings that I can't explain to you.

Or I wish I could explain them to you.

One of these days the lump of words at the back of my throat will break and I will be able to tell you everything I have locked so deep inside of me.

Until then, please accept these short offerings from my life.

The Ugly Stick. Thanks James. :)

I have such a funny story to tell!!

It involves lost love, new girlfriends, and the funniest comment I have ever heard about being hit by an ugly stick.

SO FUNNY.

But alas, the mature, grown-up part of me has decided that now is not the time to tell you. The timing is not right. But it will be.

I am waiting for that time.

And I am laughing to myself.

I will post more tomorrow. It's Spring Break, BABY!!

ALSO. Don't worry. It isn't my new girlfriend.

(Although she was the one hit by the ugly stick, apparently.)

Let's Raise A Glass!!

Huzzah!!

I made it through my final test before Spring Break! I little more class sitting/professor listening and I will be sitting pretty in Spring Break Land!!

Today's test was a doozy. The take home essay portion was 9 pages! And that didn't include the in class identifications and multiple choice portion. I feel like I have successfully spent more time studying than anything else this week... Period.

But I can tell you anything you'd even want to know about foreign policy in the United States between the 1750s and the Civil War. :)

As you can see, I am doing well. Perhaps the key to happiness and joy is found in wars fought hundreds of years ago. Or perhaps busy-ness is the key.

Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I will be getting a little break from stress for one whole week.

That must have a little to do with it.

Or a lot.

:)

In any case, hooray for breaks and for the end of tests.

Hope all is going well for you. I'd love to fill you in on more personal things, but right now it seems so... Pointless?

So until next time, farewell my friends and happy (almost) Spring Breaking!

P.S. Thank-you Anonymous for your blogging support. Though I don't know you, I keep a special place in my heart for you... right here (points to center of heart).