Hello Again

I am sorry I haven't written in so long. I know I am a fail at blogging, but it isn't because I dislike this blog. I just don't have very much to say in such a public forum. When I started this blog I wanted it to be private because I didn't want people to know that I, SHIRREL, was struggling with things. I wanted a place to vent my frustrations, but I didn't want to allow people who knew me know of my struggles. It sounds crazy, but I wanted a private place to struggle.

Now that this place is only frequented by people who know it is my blog, I feel that I have to censor myself. I hate it. I hate that I have so many things going on inside of me that I can't use this blog as an outlet for. So I don't blog. I don't even really talk about things. I keep everything locked inside and I try my best to be happy all the time.

Especially on this blog. I hate that I sound like this emotional wreck in here. Especially because I am not an emotional wreck. I just have battle wounds that I talk about on here. I have so much to say, so many things I want to vocalize. But I can't because I don't want to be THAT girl. You know the one. The one who can't stop talking about herself and obsesses over everything.

AND because people who read this blog know me so well, they will undoubtedly know who I talk about, even if I refuse to mention names. I just don't want that. I don't want people asking me questions.

So there you have it. I am a loss for words so I don't write on this blog. And as much as I want/need/crave a place to vent and get feedback... I can't bring myself to open the door to my life. I don't know why.

Me

So I have officially become this person who refuses to tell people when they have hurt me. It's as if I have been told that it's my fault so many times, I can't bring myself to tell the anyone that I think it is their fault.

Recently I have struggled with the actions of a person who I thought was one of my closest friends. This person has broken promises made to me and treated me in a way that I feel is unacceptable for a friend. I want to tell this person how badly I have been hurt by these actions, but I can't bring myself to do it. I worry that it will make things worse. I worry that it will start a fight. I don't want to just be told that I am the one at fault and if I were different things would be different. I have really struggled with this. Sometimes I feel like I am just too nice and I take too much crap from people--letting them walk all over me. But other times I wonder if I really do have a problem. Am I the one who sabotages friendships and relationships? Would I be happier if I stopped being Shirrel and became someone else? Someone better?

I guess my question is this: How do I change and who would I become?

Whoever I become, it has to be better than the person I am now. It has to hurt less than being Shirrel.

Vague... I know

I am so frustrated.

I feel like I am invisible. Like I am not being heard and every explanation I utter is nearly always taken wrong.

I have spent the last few days trying to explain myself when all I want to do is scream, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!

But I don't. I continue to try and explain and defend myself and to patch up what little I have left of my life.

I know this is so much vagueness. Always vagueness. I feel like I can't explain fully which is equally as frustrating because maybe if I could share all the details of my latest struggle, someone could help me.

I hate that this blog has become such a depressing place. I don't mean it to be.

I am not going to take the blame for what I am going through, though. The only thing I did wrong was trust.

I am far too trusting of a person.

An abusers dream, really.

Ugh.

This isn't even about abuse. I don't even know what it's about. It's about pain and wanting so desperately to make sense of it all... It's about wanting to know when it's going to end... It's about wanting normalcy in my life... It's about missing my sister, my best friend, and not knowing where to turn.

I must seem like the world's most depressed person. I'm really not. This is the only place where I appear like this. It's the only place where I feel like I can let these feelings out. Outside of this blog and the blog world, I have to be someone else. I have to be happy and positive.

I should go to sleep. It's nearly two in the morning and my thoughts are churning like crazy.

Maybe sleep will help.

At least when I'm asleep it's ok that I'm invisible.

Self Destruction?

Some days I feel like I deserve abuse. I feel like I deserve the bad things that happen to me. It is hard to talk myself out of the pain I feel. Although I have been making great headway in doing positive things and thinking positive thoughts, I haven't done a good job in telling myself I deserve better.

Even now as I realize that I have become caught in a similar situation as I was with HIM, I can't seem to break away from the horrible self-degrading thoughts.

I think that is the worst problem with abuse. The abuser convinces their victim that they are worthless. Yes the pain--physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, emotional--is absolutely horrendous and definitely drains a person. But it is the mind games that leave you convinced that you deserve everything you are getting.

That just doesn't go away.

I convince myself fairly regularly that I deserve pain. "Clearly if I deserved better, the bad things wouldn't happen," I tell myself. A twisted attitude to have, I admit, but for some reason feeling like I deserve bad makes the bad easier to handle.

I have a friend who spreads the word about this blog anytime she hears of someone struggling with abuse. For those caught in the cycle--because it very much is a cycle that is incredibly hard to get out of--it is hard to feel like there is anyone else out there who understands, cares, or has even been through something similar. I think that is why I started this blog. I felt so alone and had nowhere to turn. Of course my family was supportive and loving, but I needed to share my feelings somewhere else.

Now, as this friend tells me that "I sent someone else to your blog," I feel the incredible need to say "you're not alone."

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

There are people who understand that feeling of being trapped. More people than you realize have felt similar pains of abuse. And there are people everywhere who are struggling to get out.

It is a struggle. It isn't something that just "goes away." Every step in the process is painful in and of itself, but every step is necessary for healing.

I am still healing. I am still traveling though steps. My personality has been detrimental to much of my healing process. My willingness to take the blame for everything and everyone in my life has left the abuse hard to get over. But is slowly getting better. I have learned what to do to avoid those self destructive thoughts. It's always a challenge, but it is needed.

Life is hard. It is a challenge. I have new hardships to share that have left me battered--new demons I have not yet conquered. But now isn't the time to share the most recent chapter in my life. The pain is still too fresh, and honestly, in this case my body has turned against me in a way unlike ever before. I suppose that after everything I have been through, my body could only handle so much.

I am not complaining, mind you. I just want to talk through my thoughts and feelings and, even though I am in a moment of hopelessness, share my knowledge that there IS hope.

Each day brings another chance for us to overcome, help someone else, and to rise above our trials. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I have meaning in this life and I have overcome so much. What right do I have to complain when I have been given so much? And beyond that, what right do I have to complain when I have broken out of an abuse cycle that many others are still struggling with?

I am very grateful for that.

And as for those self-deprecating thoughts, I will continue to work on that. Hopefully as I close this current chapter in my life, it will be easier to recognize that I don't deserve bad things--that they are just parts of life. Isn't life an interesting bag of tricks?

Happy Sunday, all. Keep on smiling. And wish me luck. I'd like to smile extra big for the remainder of this trial. A positive attitude changes even the worst situations.

Secret Regrets

New favorite website.

secretregrets.com

I regret you. I regret trusting you and letting you know the pain I had been dealing with. You used that against me and hurt me far worse than I could have ever imagined. And yet your words continued to sooth me and blind me to the truth until it was too late. I regret telling you I love you and letting you touch me that way. I never wanted you to, but I allowed it because the abuse was worse when I didn't comply. I regret not telling you to leave long before I did and I regret holding on for so long after I said goodbye. I regret allowing myself to fall into the same trap again and let someone new into my life to hurt me. I regret that I am not stronger and all men seem to think I am only good at being their punching bag. But the thing I regret most is that despite the fact that I claim to know I am worth more than you say I am, I DON'T. I regret that I secretly believe that everything you have told me is the truth, that I am worthless, and that I should be dead. If it wasn't so sick, I would regret that I was even born in the first place.

Scream

I have been screaming all day, but no sound has come out.

I have been crying, but the tears are a waste.

Any prayers or pleadings are falling on deaf ears.

It's like I am slowly being strangled and no one will step in to help me breathe.

My mind is racing and all I can think is "What about me? What about me? Please. Will someone just listen to ME?"

I hate coming here when I am broken. But I don't know where else to go. Maybe someone else will hear my cries...

Sticky

Today I feel like I am dripping.

Have you ever felt like that? Like everything is weighing on you so heavily that it physically feels like everything you are struggling with is dripping off your fingertips?

Or is that just me?

I wish I was in the mood to post something lighthearted. I hear posts about rainbows and bunnies are all the rage. I am just not into fluffy animals and refracted light right now.

So instead I will imagine the sticky stresses of life slowly dripping off my weighted down body. Hopefully if I stand really still they will drip faster. And maybe if I hold still long enough, it will all come off.

Or maybe I just need a bath.