To A Happy 2013

It's hard to believe I haven't written since September. It's even harder to think about how much has changed since that last post. Time is a funny thing. It moves so slowly and rapidly at the same time, it's hard to fully grasp the changes it brings until you look back at what was and realize it no longer is.

As I am starting 2013, my life is white compared to the blackness of the beginnings of 2012. I have finally found my other half. The one person who completes me so totally and completely, it's hard to remember life without him. I finally have my sister back from her service to The Lord. And she is finally married to the one she chose nearly three years ago. I look toward the future and realize how rapidly my life will be changing, but for so long it has seemed that my life has slowly crawled by.

I look to the future with mixed emotions. Change scares me and though I know it will bring me happiness, sometimes I look toward the past and miss the simplicity of my childhood. And I'm also sad to leave my mom. She gave me get heart and soul and taught me how to be Christlike. She is truly my best friend and I will mourn when I no longer wake up to her cheerful voice and bright smile. The thought of one day becoming a mother terrifies me. I pray I can be half the mother she is; I was tuly blessed to have been sent to her.

But there is no other I'd want to move forward with. My Love has shown me what love means. A true Southern gentleman, I've been the rarest and most valuable jewel to him almost since the day we met. He tells me he doesn't know what he did to deserve me. I laugh because I'm the one who doesn't deserve him. Every day I thank God He wasn't right. I thought I knew what love was, but I had no idea. Even now I recognize how much more I have to learn. I can't wait for that experience.

I want all abide survivors to know that the journey to healing and happiness is a long, painful one. It takes patience and perserverance. Don't give into the dark thoughts that might plague you. And don't believe the demons inside of you and outside that tell you you're worthless. You're not. 

Today I'm grateful for what I learned. And for the bitterness of past experiences. Without those things wouldn't be so sweet now. 

A Few Rules to Live By

1. If it's milk, make it chocolate.
2. Always carry a good book.
3. Say "I love you" every day.
4. Be like a duck, let it roll off your back.
5. Laugh.
6. Welcome the pain, for when relief comes it will be twice as beautiful.
7. Feed the cat.
8. Forgive. It makes the load less heavy to bear.
9. Smile and nod.
10. Always have Chapstick. Or a friend with Chapstick.
11. Apologize.
12. Always get the horse first.
13. Stop wishing for tomorrow when you haven't lived today.
14. Ask for help.
15. Humbleness is not a sign of weakness.
16. Spell check is your friend.
17. Not all French fries are created equal.
18. If it seems too good to be true, it is.
19. Always have a backup plan.
20. The best things in life take time--don't miss out due to lack of patience.
21. Always choose the Mac.
22. If you look for the bad in people you are sure to find it.
23. Sometimes a change of perspective can change the world.
24. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
25. Everything is funnier when you laugh with a friend.

Quick, Quick Overview

Yes I am still alive.

I haven't written because I don't have anything to write about. My life is extremely boring. I guess I could tell you about all the crazy dates I have gone on recently. Maybe about the guy who sung his own theme song music on the date AND ate all the fries we got at Red Robin. If you know me at all, you know how big of a deal this is to me.

I could tell you about the guy who sent me a picture of himself "turned on." That was super awkward. And no, I am not going to explain further. If you don't understand then consider yourself lucky.

Hmmm... Or I could tell you about the job I got and quit, the Disneyland trip I gave my sister for her birthday, or the guy who drugged me on our second date.

I could tell you about my brother's wisdom teeth, my dad freaking out at the poor kid who was trying to sell my mom something, my new iPhone, or even our family trip to Nauvoo to pick up my sister...

But I don't even know where to start. Or what to talk about.

Maybe because it's embarrassing to admit that I am still here and still single and still interestingly alive. Or maybe it's because I don't want to vent all the time... even though that seems to be my only reason for getting on.

Whatever the reason, I have been noticeably absent from the blogging world. I don't even read blogs anymore. But I will try to be better. Not for you, but for me.

I think I need to write more.

There's something about writing that clears my head and makes things better. :)

My Sister

I miss Shantae.

I can't wait until she comes home.

I know this isn't much of a post.

But I'm lonely.

I can't wait until I can hug her again.

Purge So I Can Finally Sleep

It's hard not to question, looking back, what was truth and what was words fed to poison my mind. Telling me what I "wanted to hear" only goes so far when every other word spoken was a blatent lie.

Today I question myself. I question what I believe. I cry for the part of me that is lost. Self image is hard to recapture when you aren't sure what you see in the mirror. When the facade that has been built around you crumbles and you finally recognize it was built on lies, is it even possible to pick out truths amidst the destruction?

If the kind things you said were nothing but toxins you spewed from your mouth to blind me from truly seeing you, then clearly I am as useless as you say I am. I know the truth exists somewhere, but how can you be wrong when you weren't the first to say it?

But worse than that, how can I ever believe anyone else when you have poisoned me to all that is good in this world? It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Because of you I built the walls. Because of you I'll never believe.

Maybe it's a good thing you stole my trust--destroying even the desire to try again. At least now I won't get hurt again.

Yes. I have built my walls. I am done with the pain.

Hatred

Burning, scorching, a liquid fire
Each heart beat scalds my veins.
Oozing, bleeding, pulsing hate,
Throbbing, pounding pain.

Silent screaming, echoing
Searing, blinding, white.
Vulgar, warped, disgusting words
Vibrate through my mind

Coughing, drowning, gagging air
My throat is scorched by flame
Water fizzles, blackened air
Slimy suffocation

A crowbar, bullet, knives, a gun
Black and hard. Like me.
Beating, blasting, breaking, burning
Hate wields her weapons wild.

Sunrise, starburst. Darkness end.
Nightmares twist with smoke.
Hate churns, frothy, sour, unbidden
Poisoned saliva that must be swallowed

Molten weapons, locked inside
Devouring flesh within
Cold, unfeeling, unrelenting
Seeking to kill.

Death will come to one of us,
Hate takes who it can
Tempered eruption protects the guilty
Innocents wither, writhe, waste

Self destruct in bloody puss,
An abhorrent, flesh eating infection
Sucking, swallowing, gnawing, tearing
While apathetic guilty stoically watch



---I known this is a lame attempt at describing my feelings, but words in sentence and paragraph form just weren't doing my feelings justice. I hate someone right now. And I don't want to. It is destroying me from the inside out and I can't handle it. It's a daily process. I try tobget over it. I know that hating means I get hurt twice. Once by the offender and then once by me, wallowing in the horrific feelings of hate. I get hurt twice with the offender gets off with nary a bad word from me.

This is what I am trying to learn. How to shrug off the single worst thing to ever happen to me. Yes. Worse than everything else I have written about on this blog. How do I get past this now? It wasn't hard forgiving Him. So please. Tell me why this is so hard?

Catch me I'm falling. Please hear me calling.
I'm self destructing and I can't stop it. I can't fix it this time.

And I'm tired of trying.

I am grateful for... Pumpkin Pie

Breakfast: Pumpkin Pie and Orange Juice

Snack: Pumpkin Pie

Lunch: Pumpkin Pie and Water

Snack: Chocolate Cream Pie

Dinner: Chicken Fried Rice

Dessert: Pumpkin Pie

Midnight Snack: Pumpkin Pie and Orange Juice

Oh how I love Thanksgiving! Especially when my mom "over-does" the pumpkin pies. :) I also love this special month of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for. I will give you my "top ten," even though I really could go on forever. These "ten" are in no particular order.

1. My Dad. I am so grateful for him and for the time we spend together. This year we have had the opportunity to spend a lot of one on one time going fishing, working on trucks, Christmas shopping, buying trucks, fishing shopping. I love him. I love talking to him. I love laughing with him. I love teasing him. He is truly one of my best friends and I am so grateful for him. His advice (he is the voice of reason), his listening ear, even his stories about what he's doing at work. I relish all of it. Thanks for everything, Dad. You are my hero.

2. My Mom. Where would I be without her? She is the one who is by my side through thick and thin (and rain and snow and ice--name that song). We have a special bond that only we share. I can read her like a book and I would do anything for her. And likewise, she is the only one who truly knows and understands me. Maybe it's because she's had my entire life to mother me. I am so lucky that God gave me to her. We are the perfect Mother-Daughter-Best Friend fit. I owe you everything, Mom. Without you, I wouldn't be here!

3. My Favorite. You know who you are. Where would I be without you in my life. You are the sunshine that brightens up my world. Even in my darkest moments, you can bring a smile to my face. I have never had something as wonderful and as mine as you are. You amaze me. You are so kind and compassionate, but you would kick every "muffin's" butt just to protect me. Don't worry, Lovie. I would kick their butt's too, to protect you. I am so grateful for My Favorite. I don't know how I became so lucky to have her sent to me. She is more than a best friend. She is my favorite.

4. Shantae. Words cannot express my gratitude for everything she has done for me/does for me. She is an amazing person who was willing to sacrifice her life so she could serve a mission. While it has been hard to be away from her, I have become so much closer to her in the process. Each letter we send to each other, each email, each update... I adore her. I love the fact that we are still close. I love the fact that we have been close my whole life. I was the lucky kid who grew up with a playmate and adoring sister in the same room. She was my confidante, and I hers. There were so many nights we forwent sleep so we could chatter well past midnight. I can't wait until she comes back so we can spend another night talking. I love you, Shantae. Thanks for always being there for me.

5. Shmooish. I love that we can still play super mario together and have a fun time. He is such an example to me of perseverance. He is so strong, but so sweet. I love my "little" brother and I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with him. He is crazy, hilarious, and so much fun to be around. But he has always been understanding. I know I am just your "big" sister, Shmoo, and I am not nearly as much fun as your friends, but I love you! I remember when you were born! You're the baby brother I never knew I always wanted. Thank you. Where would I be without you? Life would definitely be a lot less interesting!

6. My Squishy. How I love this cat. How I love her soft black fur and her scratchy tongue that does such a good job of waking me up in the morning. I love that she is so "willing" to drive with me to pick up Jenni. I love that she sleeps with me. I love that when I am sick she never leaves my side. She was the greatest birthday present I ever received and I count her among my greatest blessings.

7. My Education. I never thought I would actually make it to graduation. I always planned on it, but there were a few times where graduating just seemed to impossible a goal. I can't count the number of all-nighters I pulled, the number of tests I crammed for, or the number of papers I wrote (at least one a week for the last year and half I went to school). There were times I detested school. There were professors I loathed and there were classes I would much rather have skipped (some I did) but they were all worth the degree I now have. It seems weird to be grateful for my own accomplishment, but I can't help it. I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to get an education, but even more grateful that I had the foresight to act upon those opportunities and get an education.

8. My Home. I am so grateful that I have a place I can escape to when the rest of the world gets bad. I love my room and my bed. I am grateful for the spirit that is in my home and the peace it brings to me. I am grateful it's warm in the winter and cool in the summer and that it houses the people I love. I am grateful for the things inside of it that I often take for granted.

9. My Health. I can't lie and say I have the prefect health. But I am so grateful for what I do have. I have a body that can fight disease and infection. I have a mind that is open and ready to continue learning throughout my life. The small ailments I do have are minimal. I am grateful for these small trials. They are nothing in comparison to other health issues I could have.

10. The Gospel. I am grateful for the peace it brings me when life gets hard. I love reading the Book of Mormon and praying. These simple things bring me the greatest peace and happiness and for that I am eternally grateful.

Life is hard. But there are so many things in life that make it worth living. I hope you can find things in your life to be grateful for, too.