A Few Rules to Live By

1. If it's milk, make it chocolate.
2. Always carry a good book.
3. Say "I love you" every day.
4. Be like a duck, let it roll off your back.
5. Laugh.
6. Welcome the pain, for when relief comes it will be twice as beautiful.
7. Feed the cat.
8. Forgive. It makes the load less heavy to bear.
9. Smile and nod.
10. Always have Chapstick. Or a friend with Chapstick.
11. Apologize.
12. Always get the horse first.
13. Stop wishing for tomorrow when you haven't lived today.
14. Ask for help.
15. Humbleness is not a sign of weakness.
16. Spell check is your friend.
17. Not all French fries are created equal.
18. If it seems too good to be true, it is.
19. Always have a backup plan.
20. The best things in life take time--don't miss out due to lack of patience.
21. Always choose the Mac.
22. If you look for the bad in people you are sure to find it.
23. Sometimes a change of perspective can change the world.
24. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
25. Everything is funnier when you laugh with a friend.

Quick, Quick Overview

Yes I am still alive.

I haven't written because I don't have anything to write about. My life is extremely boring. I guess I could tell you about all the crazy dates I have gone on recently. Maybe about the guy who sung his own theme song music on the date AND ate all the fries we got at Red Robin. If you know me at all, you know how big of a deal this is to me.

I could tell you about the guy who sent me a picture of himself "turned on." That was super awkward. And no, I am not going to explain further. If you don't understand then consider yourself lucky.

Hmmm... Or I could tell you about the job I got and quit, the Disneyland trip I gave my sister for her birthday, or the guy who drugged me on our second date.

I could tell you about my brother's wisdom teeth, my dad freaking out at the poor kid who was trying to sell my mom something, my new iPhone, or even our family trip to Nauvoo to pick up my sister...

But I don't even know where to start. Or what to talk about.

Maybe because it's embarrassing to admit that I am still here and still single and still interestingly alive. Or maybe it's because I don't want to vent all the time... even though that seems to be my only reason for getting on.

Whatever the reason, I have been noticeably absent from the blogging world. I don't even read blogs anymore. But I will try to be better. Not for you, but for me.

I think I need to write more.

There's something about writing that clears my head and makes things better. :)

My Sister

I miss Shantae.

I can't wait until she comes home.

I know this isn't much of a post.

But I'm lonely.

I can't wait until I can hug her again.

Purge So I Can Finally Sleep

It's hard not to question, looking back, what was truth and what was words fed to poison my mind. Telling me what I "wanted to hear" only goes so far when every other word spoken was a blatent lie.

Today I question myself. I question what I believe. I cry for the part of me that is lost. Self image is hard to recapture when you aren't sure what you see in the mirror. When the facade that has been built around you crumbles and you finally recognize it was built on lies, is it even possible to pick out truths amidst the destruction?

If the kind things you said were nothing but toxins you spewed from your mouth to blind me from truly seeing you, then clearly I am as useless as you say I am. I know the truth exists somewhere, but how can you be wrong when you weren't the first to say it?

But worse than that, how can I ever believe anyone else when you have poisoned me to all that is good in this world? It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Because of you I built the walls. Because of you I'll never believe.

Maybe it's a good thing you stole my trust--destroying even the desire to try again. At least now I won't get hurt again.

Yes. I have built my walls. I am done with the pain.

Hatred

Burning, scorching, a liquid fire
Each heart beat scalds my veins.
Oozing, bleeding, pulsing hate,
Throbbing, pounding pain.

Silent screaming, echoing
Searing, blinding, white.
Vulgar, warped, disgusting words
Vibrate through my mind

Coughing, drowning, gagging air
My throat is scorched by flame
Water fizzles, blackened air
Slimy suffocation

A crowbar, bullet, knives, a gun
Black and hard. Like me.
Beating, blasting, breaking, burning
Hate wields her weapons wild.

Sunrise, starburst. Darkness end.
Nightmares twist with smoke.
Hate churns, frothy, sour, unbidden
Poisoned saliva that must be swallowed

Molten weapons, locked inside
Devouring flesh within
Cold, unfeeling, unrelenting
Seeking to kill.

Death will come to one of us,
Hate takes who it can
Tempered eruption protects the guilty
Innocents wither, writhe, waste

Self destruct in bloody puss,
An abhorrent, flesh eating infection
Sucking, swallowing, gnawing, tearing
While apathetic guilty stoically watch



---I known this is a lame attempt at describing my feelings, but words in sentence and paragraph form just weren't doing my feelings justice. I hate someone right now. And I don't want to. It is destroying me from the inside out and I can't handle it. It's a daily process. I try tobget over it. I know that hating means I get hurt twice. Once by the offender and then once by me, wallowing in the horrific feelings of hate. I get hurt twice with the offender gets off with nary a bad word from me.

This is what I am trying to learn. How to shrug off the single worst thing to ever happen to me. Yes. Worse than everything else I have written about on this blog. How do I get past this now? It wasn't hard forgiving Him. So please. Tell me why this is so hard?

Catch me I'm falling. Please hear me calling.
I'm self destructing and I can't stop it. I can't fix it this time.

And I'm tired of trying.