Lesson Learned ... For now

It has been over a year since I last spoke to HIM (on the phone or face to face) and I am still dealing with PTSD.

While definitely not as bad as the real PTSD, sometimes I still suffer from the things that happened in my past relationship.

Example: I still shut down in certain situations. Yesterday I was upset about a misunderstanding with one of my closest guy friends. He wanted to talk about it, but the irrational side of me wanted to hide. He asked if he could come find me. I said, "no." He came and found me anyway, and I immediately shut down. He just sat next to me and asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Wouldn't hug him goodnight when the silence became overwhelming and he decided to leave. And wouldn't admit that anything was wrong. I even told him that we couldn't be friends anymore. He just told me that he would always be my friend, but if I needed space, he would give it to me.

Eventually my dam broke and I told him exactly what was going through my head.

He apologized. And then we talked about how it really was just a misunderstanding. When I told him I was afraid he was going to yell, he just said that he wanted to hug me.

I hate the fact that I still struggle with the residual effects. But after yesterday, I don't feel as much like a leper.

He told him me this morning that he found my blog. It's not much of a secret anymore, but he worried that I would be upset that he read it.

"Of course not," I said. "But I am worried that you will think less of me."

He doesn't.

I always worry that people will look down on me for my past. But I am beginning to learn (from great friends) that my true friends won't look down on me. The Bffff kinds of friends actually think more highly of you when they realize what you survived.

It took me over a year to learn this.

(Although you and I both know that I am still learning and growing and struggling and may very well forget this at the first sign of contention.)

But right now ... I am happy to say that the truest friends love you no matter what.

Another Randoms Post

Yes, I know, randoms posts are the worst. But I don't have enough new things happening in my life to write an entire post. So you will have to bear with me.

1. I love my roommates. There are seven other girls I live with, and they are amazing. I don't know how they would feel about my blogging about them, so until I actually talk with them about it, I will leave them anonymous. Just know that they are all amazing girls. :)

2. I don't think Joshie will care if I blog about him because he is my bffff. Everyone thinks we're dating because we spend so much time together, but we're totally not. It's crazy weird how much fun we have together. He is an amazing friend.

3. I am learning all about html in a class I am taking and am working on building a website. Crazy!

4. Tonight I am going to the circus for my birthday. I have been asking for a circus trip for years and years and I finally got it! I am so excited. I have so much homework, but I don't even care because I am going to the circus.

5. I found a song that I feel describes my relationship with HIM. Yes, he is still HIM. I can't say his name for multiple reasons. The most important one is this: This blog is about me, not HIM. And I am mature enough not to drag his name through the mud. ALSO, I think I am over it. It makes me sad still, and I am still scared of things because of everything that happened, but I'm OK. Happy, even.

6. I am sick. I have been sick for over a week now. I had a high fever and got a festering fever blister (which explains last post. Sorry if I scared any of you. I was out of it when I wrote that.) Now, I am over the headache and fever crap and I have a nasty sore throat and cough, but whatever. I am just hoping I will get feeling better. This has not been good for my homeworking schedule.

7. Also, to go along with #6, the festering wound on my face is now a peeling scab. Please cross your fingers it doesn't scar. I have enough of those already.

8. I have bangs. It is weird and I don't know if I like them, but yesterday I got the urge to have (in my eyes annoying) bangs. Yesterday I liked them. Today I don't. I am thinking I will just shave my head and avoid the whole mess. Perfect.

9. My professor asked if he could use another one of my papers as an example, and then told me that he now has "a higher opinion of journalists since he met me." Nice. Totally made my day.

10. I got an A on my first science test of the year. Totally shocked me because I am not a science-y person. Yay me! Also, a shout out to the friend who helped me study! You know who you are, and THANKS!

Ouch

My face hurts.

It has a huge festering wound on it that is making me want to cry.

It's definitely a panic attack day, and I don't even know who I would talk to about it.

Seriously.

My lip is pretty swollen-y and sore, too.

Ugh.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and today was just a nightmare.

History 4841

Last night ... or was it the night before ... (days tend to blend together whilst I'm studying it up and playing hard at school) ... I got an e-mail from my history professor.

Let me give you background on this history class before I share the e-mail's content.

I took a history class last semester--history 4840-- and fell in love with it. It was the ABSOLUTE hardest class I had ever taken up to that point, but that didn't matter. I was having a love affair with the class.

I had to read pages of pages of books a week, as well as watch 2 or 3 documentaries a week. I wrote 3 papers, and had 2 tremendously hard tests. Honestly, my every waking moment went into that class. But man, I learned so much.

When my professor decided to offer the second half of the class this semester, I was 100% on board. Even though he decided to up the workload to weed out the non-committed students. (As if this class were a walk in the park last semester?) I wasn't concerned. I just rearranged my schedule to be conducive to reading a hundred or so pages of books a week on top of the 3+ hours of documentaries. I also buckled down for the newly added "one paper is due a week."

Wow. It has only been 3 weeks and I am already ...  what's the word ... overwhelmed? ... In heaven? ... HAPPY?

Seriously. This class is the bomb. My ONE regret is that I am not spending time with my other classes.

I really do want to learn more about extra-terrestrials, Alien class! And computer class, I promise I will blog faithfully! I am just a little preoccupied with my new love. Woodrow Wilson. (Actually, of all the president's, he is probably one of my least favorite, but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyway, back on subject. The other day I received an e-mail from my professor asking if he could use my week one essay as an example on what an A paper looks like.

Wow.

Of course I said yes. And of course my mind was blown. ME?

WOW.

Then he uploaded my paper onto the class website with a list of why it was an A paper.

Wow again. I had no idea I did all those nice things he said in my paper. I had no idea I really gave the course content a lot of thought before sitting down to write it. (That's a lie, I really did. I just had no idea it showed.)

Needless to say, this little encounter definitely went to my head. I love writing, and I had amazing opportunities to work near talented writers and edit their stories this summer. But other than my mom and select high school teachers, I have never had such high praise of my written works.

:)

Whenever I think about it, I smile.

Speaking of smiling, I really need to blog about my amazing new friends.

Remind me about that, and I'll tell you all about it.

er...

If I can find the time! :)

The One Where I SAY My Name

For the more observant readers out there, I am sure you have noticed that I changed one crucial aspect of my blog.

That's right. I am no longer blogging anonymously.

It was a spur of the moment decision. I had to create a blog for one of my classes and decided I would rather use my blogger account to create the blog. I figure most of you know me anyway.

With this change, comes my request.

My blog isn't going to change. Not in appearance. Not in content. The only thing that is different is the seven letters following the "posted by."

I ask that you don't change either. Keep reading. Keep commenting. Keep being so helpful. I only ask that you change your letters following the "posted by" when you do comment.

I would love to know who you are. Please. I am no longer going to remain anonymous. The time has come to break out and be open and honest.

I don't think I am going to say much more in my posts.

But I think the addition of my name makes my blog more real.

What A Wonderful World

Today as I was walking to my class, I couldn't stop smiling.

The sun was shining. It was warm. I could feel a slight breeze rustling through my hair.

What a beautiful day, I thought. I am so happy! I love my classes. I love my new friends.

How far I have come from a year ago. Some days I just can't get over it! My life isn't perfect, by any means. I still struggle. There are things I wish I could change. And some days the sun isn't shining nearly as brightly as it was today.

But overall, my life is good. Really good, even.

This weekend I am going fishing with my family. In a couple of weeks I am going on a mini-vacation for my birthday. Isn't it awesome how you can have a place where you are always loved? My family and home is definitely that place for me.

I love that.

How can I ever doubt my blessings when I have so many?

The Post Where I almost Said My Name

Today I am blogging from my new college digs.

Although, technically I have been here for almost a week now.

My stuff has been here longer.

I love my room.

I love my rug.

I love my bed.

And my fridge.

I am making so many new friends and I am loving my classes.

Also: I just put in my paperwork for graduation! How awesome does that sound? ME, a college graduate!

I accidentally put my name in that last sentence which would have been bad for the "this-is-my-anonymous-blog" blog.

So I am going to say goodbye for now and write to you later when I have more important things to say!

Loves!