Because it hurts to chew...

I am starving but I can't eat because it hurts to chew. Horrible, really. I already don't like eating (it is a nuisance, if you ask me) but now eating hurts. Well, actually it has hurt for a while. It has just gotten progressively worse.

As have a lot of my ailments.

No worries, I have ANOTHER doctor's appointment with ANOTHER specialist in a month. Two months?

I should probably tell him that I fell down the stairs the other day at school after blacking out. THAT was awkward.

Maybe I will tell him that I have done EVERYTHING that all the other "specialists" have told me to do. (Specialists? I am beginning to doubt...)

Or maybe I will just let all the new blood work speak for itself.

I should tell him that I have small veins and that it is really hard to get blood from me.

Although I don't see the point in that because he (the nurse, more likely) is still going to take the blood, whether it takes one prick (HOLE) or seven. Hopefully his blood suckers will be a lot more skilled in their blood sucking ways. Last time I had nasty bruises all over my arms from the multiple failed attempts. OUCH.

I shouldn't think about doctors and future appointments with needles that I am scared to death of.

I should think about my vacation this summer! HOORAY! I booked my flight a few days ago. (Sunday at 2 a.m.)

I should think about my cat who is making it hard to type this because she insisted on sitting on my lap even though I told her I had a computer here already. She tends to be possessive and clingy.

I should think about summer vacation (although I think I am going to take classes over the summer so I can graduate faster...)

I should think about my new house. That should be fun.

Unfortunately, it is hard to think about much else because of my stomach. The growlings and protests coming from my innards are a constant reminder of my jaw and constant aches... everywhere. Which makes me remember that I am falling apart. Literally. Which makes me think about new doctor's appointment. Which makes me scared of the new needles that are sure to be inserted into my arms. But that is only the small part of my bigger fear.

What if they find out what is wrong with me?

And what if it is bad.

Hmph.

Today sucks.

All because it hurts to chew.

Questions.

When you look into my eyes, do you see pain?

Do you see anger?

Do you see compliance?

Do you see how I have given up? Withdrawn?

Do you see the turmoil?

Can you see the acceptance? The defeat?

Or do you see success? Triumph? Pride?

Do you see strength? Happiness?

Joy?

Do you see forgiveness?

Do you see love?

What do you see when you look at me?

A child? A daughter? A stranger?

A success?

A failure?

A person?

Do you even see me?

Do you see me hiding?

Crying?

Running?

Do you see me frozen?

Do you see my pain?

The bruises?

The blood?

What DO you see when you look in my eyes?

Have you even looked?

Have you even tried?

...do you even care?

When you look at me will you even see...

...me?

Or will it be too late?

Randoms: Easter Edition

Three thoughts for today. Random. But thoughts, nonetheless.

1. Loved How to Train Your Dragon. I was getting tired of the commercials and the hype, but after seeing it, I forgive Dreamworks. It was definitely deserving of the hype.

2. Happy Easter! Interesting how far we have all come from last Easter. Do you ever wonder about people who have been part of your life... where they are... what they area doing.... and if they are wondering about you too?

3. I am too trusting. I see good in people. Always. I'm like Pollyanna, I guess. I guess I'd rather see the good in someone and trust them, and be hurt... then look for the bad from the start. I'd wish the same when you look at me.

My three Easter thoughts. :) Hope you are having happy thoughts and are gearing up for a new week.

Love you all!

Photo from http://defencedebates.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/easter-baby-bunnies.jpg